OH already having a child? - Page 2

elmaxie · Jul 4th, 2009, 06:27 AM

I recon I would find it very hard especially as I am not very good at the fact he has an ex who he still has contact with....dont get me wrong she is nice and all but grrrr I just hate it

BUT your OH is with you and yes has kids but they are also part of your life as you are part of his (although in your case they are far away and there is minimal contact) but I know I would have a jealous pang deep down in me but not have it reflect outwards if that makes sense...after all its not the childs fault their mum and dad arent together....

Plus...your kids with your OH will be both your genes so different...

Gosh I am so confused...but these are my thoughts/ideas since I have no experience of it.

Emma.xx

MaybeTTC · Jul 7th, 2009, 11:23 AM

Oh my,

I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but know what you're feeling! I've read book after book on being a - the dreaded word - "stepmom". You have to deal with a roller coaster of emotions, the main one being: you're not the first person the DH has had children with. There is a natural degree of disappointment that comes with this. But, as a person posted earlier in this thread, there are also many positives that can come with it.

My DH has two girls from a previous marriage, ages 8 and 11. I've dealt with so many emotions about this, I could write a novel. All of the feeling you are having are natural, normal, and more common than you think.

I highly recommend reading this book: "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin It's the most pragmatic out of all the self-help books out there on become a stepmother - trust me, I've read them all

The bottom line is, there are realistic pros and cons to the situation. I try to look at the pros though

Cheers!

~J

Diggydog · Jul 9th, 2009, 11:52 AM

I find it soooo difficult. 3 years ago me and my OH split up for 2 months we had been 2gev for 4 years then got back together and some girl 4 months later decided to tell us she was pregnant with his child. I was so upset, more to the fact that someone esle has given him his first child and not me.
This 'girl' gave me nothing but hassle the whole way through her pregnancy...keying my car, slashing the tyres, phoning my work up and telling them all sorts of lies wanting them to sack me, trashed her own flat and told the police i had done it even thou i dont know where she lives! Told me if i dont leave my OH so he can come back to her shes going to go to the police and say he raped her!!!

I often feel down about it, as we will be TTC soon and i fear what if i cant get pregnant and can never give him a child. But that nutter, who was just with him for a couple of weeks has his child.

Eyes On Fire · Jul 15th, 2009, 13:03 PM

I don't think I'd be strong enough to date someone who already has children with another woman so I applaud you on that.

In my situation, my OH's ex got pregnant at a young age. The child wasn't his but he took on the role as a father figure. And it was the hardest thing for me to deal with when he met me and we started dating. Especially since we are dating long distance. I was always scared his ex was going to use the child to get OH back.

I hope the situation with you and your OH works out. Definitely talk to him about how you feel if you have issues with anything. Me and my OH have talked about the situation numerous times and he's done a lot of stuff to help me feel better about our relationship. I'm sure your OH would do the same for you.

Lyndz · Jul 17th, 2009, 15:26 PM

Hi Guys, just popped over from First Tri cos i saw this thread and can relate.

My OH has a son with another woman, and yeah, i find it incredibly hard sometimes. The fact that i'm not the one to give him his first child is a lil hard to cope with at times. He's already experienced a birth, his first baby etc. He was very young when he became a dad to his son, and when he tells me that this time feels way different & right, i do believe him, especailly cos he went through a whole load of crap with his ex when she was preg & after the birth.

It's also hard that this woman is always going to be there bothers me, her partner isn't the most, balenced shall we say, guy & i don't want my child around people like this.

Don't get me wrong, i love the fact we're having a baby, but sometimes i wish it was just us 3....

Crailly · Jul 20th, 2009, 15:46 PM

My OH was married before he met me. She had a little girl from a previous relationship when they met. He had contact with her up until Dec 2007, and then then evil ex got into a serious new relationship (she is engaged to get married in Dec 2009 now) - and somehow she felt the need to tell my dear OH that she cheated on him with one of his best friends. It was a total lie. Up until this point they had a pretty civil relationship, but all of a sudden darling little girl was seeing the fighting again. He cut off all contact until she could get her act together. Then he wrote her a long email and poured out his heart asking if he could just see her once in a while - evil ex said she would get back to him but she never did.

It's a horrible situation, but they are officially divorced now, we are engaged, and we will have our own children. Hopefully his heart can now fully mend.

Beautywithin · Jul 20th, 2009, 15:57 PM

When i got with my ex.. he had a 9 year old daughter bare in mind i was only 17 at the time.. i did find it hard.. my OH now has 2 kids from a prev relationship, his ex is a bitch.. says he can see the kids then when he goes round there to collect them she says he cant have them.. they are nearly teenagers but she shouldnt mess with there heads like that. so at least your OH's ex is trying to be reasonable...

Its hard but im sure you love him enough to be able to deal with it, and some day you will have a child together!

x

achekh8707 · Jul 20th, 2009, 19:24 PM

DH has an 11 year old daugther. He has not seen her since she was 8 due to a very unfortunate situation with the mother. It is a very long story - he wishes he could see her, but at this point she doesn't even know that he is her father. We will just have to deal with that down the road when she is old enough to figure out the situation. I wish she could be a part of our lives, especially since we had Emma. Emma has an older sister and I just wish she knew that.

Jul 4th, 2009, 06:27 AM	#11
elmaxie Mum (Mom) BnB Addict Join Date: May 2008 Location: Edinburgh, Scotland. Posts: 3,207	I recon I would find it very hard especially as I am not very good at the fact he has an ex who he still has contact with....dont get me wrong she is nice and all but grrrr I just hate it BUT your OH is with you and yes has kids but they are also part of your life as you are part of his (although in your case they are far away and there is minimal contact) but I know I would have a jealous pang deep down in me but not have it reflect outwards if that makes sense...after all its not the childs fault their mum and dad arent together.... Plus...your kids with your OH will be both your genes so different... Gosh I am so confused...but these are my thoughts/ideas since I have no experience of it. Emma.xx

Status: Offline

Jul 7th, 2009, 11:23 AM	#12
MaybeTTC Waiting To Try (WTT) Active BnB Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: USA Posts: 14	Oh my, I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but know what you're feeling! I've read book after book on being a - the dreaded word - "stepmom". You have to deal with a roller coaster of emotions, the main one being: you're not the first person the DH has had children with. There is a natural degree of disappointment that comes with this. But, as a person posted earlier in this thread, there are also many positives that can come with it. My DH has two girls from a previous marriage, ages 8 and 11. I've dealt with so many emotions about this, I could write a novel. All of the feeling you are having are natural, normal, and more common than you think. I highly recommend reading this book: "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin It's the most pragmatic out of all the self-help books out there on become a stepmother - trust me, I've read them all The bottom line is, there are realistic pros and cons to the situation. I try to look at the pros though Cheers! ~J

Status: Offline

Jul 9th, 2009, 11:52 AM	#13
Diggydog Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: essex Posts: 979	I find it soooo difficult. 3 years ago me and my OH split up for 2 months we had been 2gev for 4 years then got back together and some girl 4 months later decided to tell us she was pregnant with his child. I was so upset, more to the fact that someone esle has given him his first child and not me. This 'girl' gave me nothing but hassle the whole way through her pregnancy...keying my car, slashing the tyres, phoning my work up and telling them all sorts of lies wanting them to sack me, trashed her own flat and told the police i had done it even thou i dont know where she lives! Told me if i dont leave my OH so he can come back to her shes going to go to the police and say he raped her!!! I often feel down about it, as we will be TTC soon and i fear what if i cant get pregnant and can never give him a child. But that nutter, who was just with him for a couple of weeks has his child.

Status: Offline

Jul 15th, 2009, 13:03 PM	#14
Eyes On Fire Waiting To Try (WTT) Active BnB Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: South Carolina Posts: 373	I don't think I'd be strong enough to date someone who already has children with another woman so I applaud you on that. In my situation, my OH's ex got pregnant at a young age. The child wasn't his but he took on the role as a father figure. And it was the hardest thing for me to deal with when he met me and we started dating. Especially since we are dating long distance. I was always scared his ex was going to use the child to get OH back. I hope the situation with you and your OH works out. Definitely talk to him about how you feel if you have issues with anything. Me and my OH have talked about the situation numerous times and he's done a lot of stuff to help me feel better about our relationship. I'm sure your OH would do the same for you.

Status: Offline

Jul 17th, 2009, 15:26 PM	#15
Lyndz Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Near Derby Posts: 951	Hi Guys, just popped over from First Tri cos i saw this thread and can relate. My OH has a son with another woman, and yeah, i find it incredibly hard sometimes. The fact that i'm not the one to give him his first child is a lil hard to cope with at times. He's already experienced a birth, his first baby etc. He was very young when he became a dad to his son, and when he tells me that this time feels way different & right, i do believe him, especailly cos he went through a whole load of crap with his ex when she was preg & after the birth. It's also hard that this woman is always going to be there bothers me, her partner isn't the most, balenced shall we say, guy & i don't want my child around people like this. Don't get me wrong, i love the fact we're having a baby, but sometimes i wish it was just us 3....

Status: Offline

Jul 20th, 2009, 15:46 PM	#16
Crailly Trying to conceive (TTC) BnB Addict Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Calgary, AB Posts: 5,794	My OH was married before he met me. She had a little girl from a previous relationship when they met. He had contact with her up until Dec 2007, and then then evil ex got into a serious new relationship (she is engaged to get married in Dec 2009 now) - and somehow she felt the need to tell my dear OH that she cheated on him with one of his best friends. It was a total lie. Up until this point they had a pretty civil relationship, but all of a sudden darling little girl was seeing the fighting again. He cut off all contact until she could get her act together. Then he wrote her a long email and poured out his heart asking if he could just see her once in a while - evil ex said she would get back to him but she never did. It's a horrible situation, but they are officially divorced now, we are engaged, and we will have our own children. Hopefully his heart can now fully mend.

Status: Offline

Jul 20th, 2009, 15:57 PM	#17
Beautywithin Pregnant (Expecting) BnB Addict Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Kent Posts: 6,014	When i got with my ex.. he had a 9 year old daughter bare in mind i was only 17 at the time.. i did find it hard.. my OH now has 2 kids from a prev relationship, his ex is a bitch.. says he can see the kids then when he goes round there to collect them she says he cant have them.. they are nearly teenagers but she shouldnt mess with there heads like that. so at least your OH's ex is trying to be reasonable... Its hard but im sure you love him enough to be able to deal with it, and some day you will have a child together! x

Status: Offline

Jul 20th, 2009, 19:24 PM	#18
achekh8707 Trying to conceive (TTC) Active BnB Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Arlington, VA USA Posts: 144	DH has an 11 year old daugther. He has not seen her since she was 8 due to a very unfortunate situation with the mother. It is a very long story - he wishes he could see her, but at this point she doesn't even know that he is her father. We will just have to deal with that down the road when she is old enough to figure out the situation. I wish she could be a part of our lives, especially since we had Emma. Emma has an older sister and I just wish she knew that.

Status: Offline

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