celine

The glass is looking half-full again

krockwell

I keep having these thoughts...

I guess I should start from the beginning...
I've wanted a baby since I can remember, I was always the girl who played "mom" and had all her friends be her children, and I was always the one that was the leader...or the head of the household.
*sigh*
I can really remember being 14 or so, and thinking - man I could SO have a baby right now and do everything right...
I didn't have one then, wasn't even sexually active then.
But, I kept having the thoughts that I wanted a baby, and I could do it at any age and be totally fine.
Now...I met hubs in Dec of 06, we were dating for about 6 months or so and had talked about having a baby, but decided because of both of our living situations it wasn't the best idea.
So, we got engaged in September of 07, and talked again about getting pregnant before the wedding...but then decided against it, because of all the complications it would cause on both sides of the family and all that lovely jazz...
Needless to say, we bought our house in March of 08, got married April 5, 2008, and moved into the house the 15th of April.
Now... All this time I"ve still had this HUGE craving to have a baby, and all the while keep trying to convince Hubs we're really ready for this commitment, and now we've got everything sorted out so that it can happen. He wasn't quite on the same page. He's always dreamed of being a young father (he's 25 as of January) and I've been dreaming of this since I can remember (23 as of May).
So...we talked about it, thought that it would be great if we could wait a year and try in the spring of 09. Well, that feeling got the best of me and we talked about it again, deciding that if I could wait till at least a 3 month probation on my work (so we can get maternity leave etc) then that would be even better.
So I said ok...and off I go - still had to find that job.
I got a job, and then realized that I hated it there, but 1/2 way through the month I spent there, I got the hankering again that I wanted to have a baby...
So we talked about it again and decided that it would be fine to stop taking my BCP now (beginning of June 0 and we'd try.
I've now been off the pill for a month, had a crazy whacked out 38 day cycle, and have started with the again for another cycle.

THIS is not all together bad, because, really I want an April baby, in both sides of our family no one has their birthday in April - so it would just be perfect.

Anyway... the actual point of my long speel here now...
I keep getting these feelings that I'm never going to get pregnant. (no it's not because I didn't get it this month already...it's not even like that)
It's more of a feeling...like you know how some women just "know" they ARE pregnant? Well I have this feeling that I KNOW I can't GET pregnant.

Weird...
Because I could always see it in myself before, for years before... and just all of a sudden now, while we're starting to, and things are actually going great in my life... I don't see it, and I can't see it.

*sigh*
Sorry for this long rant, just really wanted to get this kinda stuff down on paper.

celine

It always been a fear of mine that I wont be able to. I wish I could just go to the doc and know if everything's ok.

I dont know if u've seen the Sex and The City movie? Im not giving too much away cos its obvious Charlotte gets preggers but in the movie she says she is scared something will go wrong with the baby cos everything else in her life is going so well.

I get like that, but hun, its only your first mnth trying, Im hoping and praying for all our bfp soon *hug*

krockwell

Another day of another day closer to and getting pregs!
WOOOO!!
I'm very excited for this next cycle, because this is being normal to what it was before I was on the BCP.
I think I've been on BC for like...3 year or something...maybe closer to 4.
But, I stopped for a while, and went back on again, etc etc.
I'm confident that things are going to be on the right track now... Things are gonna be awesome!
Kevin and I are excited about making a baby... AND I'm not going to be obsessive over it....that just makes it work, and it shouldn't be work.
All this baby stuff should happen naturally...I think anyways.
I'm going to be charting my temp, and I'm actually gonna do the OPK's, because I've got like 10 left in my cupboard, and I've got more on the way from "preseed".
I ordered that a while ago...I should be getting that pretty quick I would think.

Yup - things are gonna be great from here on out.

krockwell

Sooooooo still on the - should be ending tomorrow. It's been pretty decent this time around, longer than usual - but about the most normal I've had it since being on BCP.
Hubs and I are gonna be trying here in the next week or so, giving it another shot for this July/August Cycle.
I'm excited - I'm really hoping for a this month, that would be awesome...*sigh* BUT really - it's not that big of a thing, if we don't get it this month...we'll get it eventually. We're staying positive. No stress...
I've been temping, but the weekend temps are f*cked up - I don't wake up at 5:00 am on the weekends, so they're not gonna be accurate - and I have no idea how to "adjust" them to the time difference.
BUT that's ok, I'm getting 5 days a week great.

Hope everyone else is doing great. 's going around so I hear...hope mine's around the corner.

celine

Hope so too hun *babydust*
and dont under-estimate the power of positive thinking

krockwell

Well... TMI to follow - BEWARE

I've got a dilemna.
Hubs and I really enjoy AND I usually get off - but it seems that Hubs doesn't even care if he gets off inside me or not..
He KNOWS we're TTC - he's on board with it, I make sure to ask him just to be sure.
But...it seems like he's enjoying giving himself a hand job, more than getting off with or inside me
I don't know what to do..
I don't know what I"m doing wrong - when I ask - he says nothing's wrong, and that everything's great.

It's like...I don't get it.
I feel very unattractive and like he doesn't even care if he makes love to me. He's liking his hands more than me. What the fuck gives!
*sigh*
I'm feeling very down and depressed about it.

Any suggestions are EXTREMELY welcome!

celine

how do u know he's giving himself a handjob? Why dont you help him out (with your hand or whatever...) and jumpo on board just b4 he goes over-the-top?

krockwell

I know because he tells me... The other day I was all reved up to get it on, and he's like "Well I didn't know you were off so I went once on the way home, and once again when I got home - sorry I'm not up for it now."
AND I told him the last week that I was soooo itching for some love as soon as this stupid was gone - and he didn't even ask if it was gone or whatever...
I guess it sounds selfish. I don'tknow.

I can' tjust jump on board either, because he's usually too into it with his hand or whatever and won't finish getting off if I do.

I seriously hate our sex life and the way it goes...ugh!

celine

bite his hand! LOL

Dont get men sometimes. If it makes you feel any better the other night my hubby just couldnt 'go overboard' but he was great etc and I was very satisfied etc (tmi)
afterwards he was so happy that I was satisfied I wanted to yell at him that for ttc it doesnt matter about me it matters more him HIM!!

But I didnt yell. I just smiled

men!