Mendy

10 and 11 DPO...creamy CM still there, although it's been less and less each day. No sore BB's yet...usually they get sore about a week before AF, so we will see. Woke up with a horrid headache yesterday morning and this morning and flu-like symptoms today...I think it's cause the AC was on all night! LOL. Was tired all day today. 3 more days before testing!!!

Went to see Mom and the rest of the fam this weekend, it was fun. We had a baby shower for my cousin's girlfriend as well....usually I'm sad and bitter when it comes to pregnant women, but I guess because this is family, I was happy to see my cousin happy cause we had this for his girlfriend. Then today we took my brother for his birthday dinner, and then we drove back home.

All in all, it was a good weekend. I have one more day left to rest! Tomorrow's a day off work. YAY!!!

Mendy

12 DPO....much less creamy CM, but still there. No sore bb's and no other symptoms. I guess I can test....but I don't want to! I mean, I do, but I don't...I'm scared of what the outcome may be!!!

I really do feel like this 2WW has been the longest EVER! I feel like my last IUI was AGES ago! So Weds is my test day....we'll see if I'm in the mood for testing then, or I may just wait for the weekend....unless AF arrives before then to confirm what I don't want to know yet.

Either way, until then, I'm still hopeful and praying...it only takes one!

Tiffers

I have everything crossed for you this cycle hun! Hope this is it!

Mendy

Thanks for the well wishes Tiffers! How long have you been TTC for? Wish you the BEST of luck as well!!!!

So...13DPO and I decided I will test tomorrow. The biggest reason why I'm doing it is because I got the day off, not because I wanted to test, it was just that I got lucky and had that extra day, and decided why not tomorrow? That way I can test and jump for joy, or I can be miserable all day by myself. LOL. I really will try not to be, even if its a , and even if it means a possible year long wait before we start trying again.

Me and DH had an argument last night, that carried on until today. He says he feels we are drifting apart, and that he feels this TTC deal has a lot to do with it and he's right. I know it's taking a toll, but I just feel like I'm taking this harder than he is. He says he gets sad, but I've never seen him shed a tear, or even look depressed for that matter. I know he cares, it's just I'm more emotional and wish he would show that sometimes, or just understand me. I feel like I'm going through this journey by myself, but again, I know that's not true. Just cause he doesn't break down and shares a sob session and eye-wiping marathon with me doesn't mean he doesn't care. He's a man, and I guess I can't expect him to be as sentimental as I.

Anyway, he says I've been very snappy and moody, and bitchy. I can't blame the meds cause I'm off Clomid and hCG shot....so I guess it's just me and the toll this is taking on my mind....

Can you believe the end of this week will be 3 weeks since we last ???
I just honestly haven't been in the mood, and I know this isn't healthy for our relationship either. So I decided if this doesn't work, I will snap of out whatever it is I'm in....or will try to, and will try to be nicer to my DH. I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me.

So back to my 13DPO....Creamy CM, but more than yesterday, but not as much as I had at the beginning of OV. I kinda feel like BB's are starting to get sore, but if they are it's very slight and I'm hardly feeling it. Tomorrow will tell if it's really sore BB's or my imagination. I've felt kind of dizzy today, not these huge dizzy spells, but very slight subtle ones. Been kinda tired, with zero energy, but we will see what all this means as I will test with first morning's pee tomorrow!! And if it's ....can't give up until shows. So wish me luck!!!!

Whew....that was a long post!

Mendy

So I tested...

Can't rule anything out till arrives...

Had a little bit of dark brown creamy CM it looked like this afternoon..just a tiny bit...weird. AF not due for another 5 or 6 days.

No sore BB's either or any other symptoms.

Mendy

While I still don't have sore BB's and I get them EVERY month before AF, I noticed I continued to get that dark red looking CM, which just tells me I'm spotting and AF should be on its way.

Why? Why? Why?!!!!!! I prayed, I was hopeful, I was positive and nothing freakin worked!!!! I hit my 12 month mark last week and I still had that hope that I may possibly get pregnant around my first year of trying. I hate myself for being so hopeful only to be let down like this..no one told me my chances were great, I let myself feel hopeful and these are the consequences.

Now I need to wait a year and WILL have to do IVF; that's our last hope. It's going to be a whole year wasted before I can even think of having my own baby. I hate this shit, I am SOOOOOO tired of it! I am so bitter and mad at the world and bitchy towards my DH....and I can't help it. I feel like I have to put on a happy face for the world and smile and act like nothing's wrong, but inside, I know what's going on within me, and if I start thinking about it, I start crying.

And all along I feel like DH doesn't even care. He doesn't seemed fazed by the fact that I got a BFN yesterday, he acts like nothing's wrong. And I HATE that! I feel like I can't cry in front of him, I wait for him to go to work or isn't home to cry..... I'm just so tired of all this.

But my spotting has confirmed my BFN...I didn't want to believe it yesterday, I was just giving myself more false hope. So now I feel like SHIT!!!!

celine

*hugz* Mendy Im so sorry you got bfn
Im also sorry your dh isnt being being too sensative right now, If he thinks you 2 are drifting apart why dont you two go out on a date-date, just the two of you and have a heart 2 heart, let him know exactly how this is making you feel, he just sees you getting frystrated and maybe he isnt sure what to do about it.
*hugz*

Mendy

Hey Celine,
Thanks for stopping by my journal. Yes, you are right, I think going out on a date and doing something out of the ordinary is a must for us right now.

We are going to have to discuss this and how we are going to go about doing IVF, the timing and all that, but I guess in the meantime all I can do is enjoy it just being my DH and myself cause once we have a baby it will be hard.

I know it's hard on him too....like I said, he's not the the emotional, sensitive type, so I'm not surprised I don't see him all teary eyed and stuff. lol.

As far as my "spotting" I don't know what it was. It seems to have stopped between yesterday evening and today. So now I'm just confused. LOL.
Either way, gotta keep moving forward....

Mendy

So I'm back for cycle 13.... AF came today full force.

Guess I can start counting backwards from here....12 months until IVF.

celine

Mendy Im so sorry stupid af came
Now you have 1 year to do all the things you can do when your not preggers - so I say make a list of fun things to do with your hubs and do them, for example it will be harder to travel so travel a bit and of course drink loads lol