HI there,

I am new to this site, but I am loving it, don't know anyone yet but I love this thread of personal diaries, I think it's a wonderful idea and would be really good for me to keep a diary for myself and will help to write everything down (and to know that others feel the same and I am just not crazy helps too lol!!!)

Well a bit about me, I am Sarah aged 25, married to my wonderful DH Ross for 2 years, been together 5 years. We have been TTC our first take home baby for over 20 months now. I sadly had an ectopic pregnancy last year, after TTC for 12 long months, resulting in emergency surgery in October 2007 with the loss of my bubs and whole left fallopian tube. Then I fell pregnant again 3 months later, but sadly miscarried in February this year. So we are now on our 4th cycle of TTC since the mc.

Today is CD10, and I am going to start using opk's today, i have used opk's ever since my ectopic last year. I often think I am totally obsessesed, crazy etc etc - having a baby is all I can think about day in day out and constantly counting days, and waiting and worrying and stressing (I'm a very stressed person lol!) But there doesn't seem to be another way to go about it, people say, "Just relax, don't worry it'll happen ..." That makes me so so angry!!! How can I relax about anything after what we have been through and being so desperate for a baby!? Not only an I scared about TTC I am terrified for when I do get pregnant again and what could happen, some days I get so so down I feel like just resigning myself to the fact that maybe I am just one of those women who cannot carry a baby full term but those are the really bad, down days, most days I can try to convince myself I am being positive and things will happen - but it is so so hard every day at the minute seems like such a struggle, just to try and get on with things, knowing there is a big gaping whole in our lives that should be filled with a baby. The due date for my first angel baby is fast approaching on the 6th June ... I am finding myself increasingly emotional about it and feeling all the more heartbroken as I wanted so much to be pregnant again by then ... I am not sure how I will be on the day but if it is anything like the awful pain and anxiety I feel now I am not gonna be worth a sh*t that day !!!

My Husband is wonderful and is such a great support to me and so understanding, I really don't know what I would do without him and I know I cannot be very easy to live with at the minute lol! I thank every day that I have him, he is great. I know it's hard for him too and he wants a baby just as much as me. I often feel so guilty that I haven't been able to give him the baby he so deserves, his "little soldiers" do their job no problem but it's my body that can't hold the pregnancies

Anyway back to the diary, as I said today is CD10, since the mc my cycles have been slightly erratic but they seem to be going back to normal now - last cycle was 26 days with ovulation on CD12. My af's usually are between 26-28 days, with 26 days being the new norm I guess, so I know I am lucky in that respect. However I do have a problem with not ov'ing every month, after the ectopic I only detected ovulation every second month, which as we know due to the loss of one of my tubes, that reduces our chances all the more But, the last two cycles I have detected ovulation 2 months running ... which is great - though we didn't get pregnant (and not through want of trying - we did everything we possibly could to catch that little eggie at the right time!) so I am really really hoping to ovulate again this month, and hoping perhaps that I will ov every month from now on - but that remains to be seen, so fingers crossed!!!!! I have noticed since last night my cm has become more slippery and a bit clearer - though not totally clear yet - so I am hoping that is a good sign as I generally don't ever notice ewcm but seem to have had a bit of it the last two cycles for some reason!?

So we will use ovulation tests from today and fingers crossed I ov again, I would love a February 2009 baby .... just got to try and keep positive about TTC and try not to get too down (easier said than done lol!) Also bd'ing is a bit difficult sometimes between the shifts dh and I work, we do crazy hours and I work alternate day and back shifts - nightmare but we will just have to buckle down and make it work lol ;-)

So fingers crossed for this cycle I hope I am not here too long (in the nicest possible way lol!)

Lotsa Love and luck to all you lovely people!

xxxxxxxxxx Sarah

ps - I have no idea how to do these icons or smiley things just yet, it looks a little complicated - hopefully I will pick it up - or someone can point me in the right direction!? xxxxxxxx

Hi Sarah! I find writing a journal on here helps keep me a little bit sane and it's so nice to be able to share our experience, worries and doubts with people who understand and don't question your rationale. If one more person says to me "but you're still so young!" I will kick them very very hard. I am 24 (25 in 2 weeks!) and married for just over a month, we have also had a mc at just under 12 weeks, followed by an ectopic. 3 weeks ago I had emergency surgery to remove my right tube. So I really do know where you're coming from!
On the smiley front, if you click "go advanced" there are a whole host of them to express yourself

Hi Sarah

Welcome to the journals. I am so sorry to hear about your losses and difficulties hun. I am sure though that you will find a lot of support, friendship and understanding on this forum for the journey that awaits you.

Good luck hun.

Sending you some for this cycle.

Yaya xxx

Hi Sarah and welcome to BandB

First of all, please don't blame your body for the losses you've had honey because that's only gonna make you feel worse!

Secondly I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get your soon and you'll find all the help, advise and emotional support you need on here cause they're all great girls

And finally have some super duper power double strength baby dust for your diary

TT's xxx

Sounds like you've invested loads of time and tears into this TTC adventure and like you're long overdue for a sticky

Good luck with that and welcome to your journal.

Hi there everyone,

Awww bless you all, many many thanks for all your wonderful kind words and support!!!! It is so lovely to hear of women going through the same emotions and fears as me. It is very comforting.

Well it's CD11 for me today, I am currently burstig for a wee but have to hold it til' 1pm to do my ovulation test lol!!!!! Grrrrr ... I am working on back shift this week, 3pm-11pm, which is a nightmare for ovk's and things, I much prefer being on day shift 7am-3pm when I am ovulating (well hopefully ov'ing lol!) as I can hold my wee at work and keep busy then do my ovk when I get home. It's also difficult bd'ing on a back shift as I don't get home til' 11.30pm and by then it's almost into the next day - but DH is off work for a few days so I have well warned him that we are bd'ing tonight when I get home, tomorrow before I go to work and tomorrow when I get home from work (CD12 is when I usually get +ovk so most fertile day lol!) and on Sat and Sun too lol! God, doesn't that sound obsessive .. but I can't help it, just don't want to miss any chance we have. Fingers crossed I get a +ovk today or tomorrow - although it may not happen as don't think I can hold my wee much longer lol!! God - the legnths we go to eh!?

Feeling okay today, the weather is just beautiful, I am going shopping before work as it is DH's birthday on Monday so need to get him a card and present. We are off work together Sun and Mon so we will be doing something nice on Sunday night, maybe a meal and the cinema, so I am really looking forward to that, we barely see eachother with the mad hours we both work. Then we will be on the dreaded 2ww .... I am really trying the "positive mental attitude" this cycle, I will get pregnant, I will get pregnant, I will get pregnant :-):-) ... let's hope it works lol!

Hope everyone is well, lotsa luv

Sarah xxxxxxxxxxx

Keep up that positive attitude and I hope this is your month for a

Good luck with the positive attitude. I find it's harder to do than the tww themselves. One thing I couldn't live without on a deserted island? Bitching!

Where is she????

Hi there,

Well I haven't managed to get any time on the computer until now!! My goodness what a few days we have had .... well the fabulous news is that I got my positive ovulation test on CD12 - bang on time!! I am so over the moon as that will be the third month running of ovulating after being every second month for such a long time so woooo hoooo we got plenty bd'ing in, I swear I knackered DH out lol!!! So I am now on CD16 today, 4dpo ... and going by when I ovulated and my last cycle - I should be expecting af/bfp on CD26 so now on the dreaded 2ww .... but I am really gonna try and be patient and NOT TEST until I am guaranteed a reliable result, and I WILL NOT analyse every single twinge and "symptom" like I did the last two months cos both times I thought I had every symptom in the book and I was not pregnant ... so let's hope I can stay positive and not obsess (much lol!)

Anyway that was great, but we had an awful Sunday/Monday ... DH and I were both off together for the first time in ages Sun/Mon as it was DH's birthday Monday so we were going out for a fabulous night out on Sunday ... we never made it out!! Poor DH ended up with food poisoning that started in the early hours of Sunday morning, and was just horrendous, he was so ill and weak as a kitten, couldn't keep anything down and every bit of water he drank came back up (or out the other end lol! ) so he was completely dehydrated and at the point of passing out! We think the offending item was a big mac from McD's he had on Saturday night, it was the only thing he had to eat that day and if it was a virus or a bug I would've had it too! So needless to say, we will not be going back to McD's!!!! Thankfully DH is okay now, he felt a lot better last night and managd to keep some dry toast down so he is on the mend. So that was our fab weekend and poor DH's birthday! So the next time we will be off work together is not for another 4 weeks, but we will have a night out then. And I know this sounds awfull but thank goodness I had already ovulated on the Friday so we got plenty bd'ing on the Thur Fri and Sat when he was fit and well lol !!!!!!!

Not much else to report, i am not long home from work, early shift this week so am up at 4.30am every day but it does mean I finish at 3pm and have the whole rest of the day to myself - although I am knackered by 7pm lol! Just going to have something to eat, and do a bit of house work. The weather is lovely up here in Bonny Scotland for once!

Really hope everyone is well sending lots of love and and

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx