16th May - Positive pregnancy test

25th May - Started bleeding

26th May

I've been to the EPU this morning & they have took my blood to see what my HCG level is which I will get the result for at 4PM but due to all this I didn't go for my appointment yesterday but they took all my bloods today - Dizzy dizzy when I seen how many bottles she had prepared for me

I get the results in 6 weeks but 1 of the results in 12

At least its a start but I was shocked how long it all takes.

12th, 13th & 14th June - Positive pregnancy test

23rd June- Started bleeding

19th June

I just got my genetics blood results back & NOTHING wrong there!

I am soooooooo pleased!!! (They can't treat it)

Due to a borderline positive a couple of week ago for lupus I've to take a daily dose of 75mgs aspirin & 5000iu of fragmin, which is to be injected daily – My OH has the pleasure of that! So I have a 14 day supply of treatment & my druggy box

I have a scan booked in for the Tuesday 11th July, hopefully we WILL be attending that!

That months chart: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v8...p/i1480158.png

26th June : 18.41PM

Too much ...

This is KILLING me I'm trying to keep my head up high but I'm finding it such a struggle.

My OH & me nearly finished today & I'm not sure if we have really sorted this out! *Pift* to me putting some reality to our marriage talk!

He tells me I need to stop thinking about it & that’s all everything seems to be about & I guess he's right but I can't stop thinking about it, it's eating me up every single day - Do I stop TTC (?) because I think if I do I’d be giving up any hope I have left.

I was scared to be a parent due to my own child hood but I want this now & somebody somewhere some how is telling me I can't.

Sorry if I sound selfish there are so many other women in my situation or worse

27th June 11.51AM

I don’t want my relationship to suffer but it has definitely been taking that road more than what I thought.

My OH told me last night he too is down with all that is happening but sadly he doesn’t show his emotions too well & I don’t know what is going through his mind, sometimes I feel he is so negative & it’s hard when I’m trying to stay positive & other times I feel he’s just saying things for the sake of feeling that’s what he should say when all I want him to do is open up to me about this. It’s US there’s no one else here. I want & need him to open up to me.

I started feeling I couldn’t be upset in front of him & I started disappearing out of one room to another just to have a 5 second sob only Friday he noticed this & I think he felt really bad that I felt I ‘needed’ to let go of my emotions away from him.

I know he's hurting but not showing me or having a little heart to heart makes it difficult for me to see how this is effecting him too & I just want to scream TELL ME!

July

14th, 15th, 17th, 18th, 20th & 21st July - Positive pregnancy test

I was using progrestrone natural cream & taking baby aspirin still

22nd July - Started bleeding

That months chart:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v8...p/i1486485.png

28th July

Well I have my lupus result back as NEGATIVE!

I'm happy enough but no too happy!

When I had my first one it was borderline positive for lupus which is why I was then treated with daily fragmin injections & low dosed aspirin thing is when I had my test done my HCG was also 9 so I may as well of been borderline pregnant! Obviously the week just gone proves that is not helping leading me to believe it is no way the cause of my early losses!

I know I am going to be one of these women who only show for lupus 'whilst' carrying a healthy viable pregnancy so I won't forget these results in the future but it's something to remember for further on - I need to get past 5 bloody weeks first!

That is all my blood results out of the road - So what next? I'm so confused although I am happy about my results I'm not happy about the fact I really want to know what is wrong with me

*Waited for a callback from EPU*

Well I’m a mixture of angry, upset & very frustrated with the lack of support I have from these guys now!

Most of my conversation was stutters & complete confusion & that wasn’t me that was the EPU nurse!!!!!!!

What do we do next I asked? She said they would give me a run of HCG injections if I occur another loss so I fessed up an told her about this month & that clearly lupus may become a problem for me in a viable ongoing pregnancy but not the cause of my early losses to which she agrees!

So HCG I have a feeling this may be one of the probable reasons with my losses & I am fully aware that HCG injections can be given from date of ovulation! NOT here though because of cost! I don’t give a damn about cost I want the treatment & care I deserve. But they are willing to treat me with this when I have a positive on a pregnancy test – No I’ll reword that when THEY have a STRONG positive on their naff tests. From past experience I know they are not that blinking reliable! So if I have a ClearBlue positive it makes no difference at all! Completely useless to me! So I said to her “that’s no good to me I loose at 4.2 weeks” & the reply was “*stuttering*; oh I don’t know” HUH?????

They are a lovely bunch of girls don’t get me wrong but this is WRONG!

I asked if there was anything further that can be done …. NOPE! Mentioned PCOS & I got told NOPE – I’d have to go private!

OK so I want to see Mr O’Bri the consultant which she suggested too …….. WAITING LIST for an appointment is 3-6 months!!!! WHAT? I have his secretary’s number; I’m going to make this appointment myself! I can’t wait that long that’s ridiculous!

August

We were on a break this month!!! Uhuh ...

It only takes once; OH thinks I'm 'doing' the postman!

9th August was my first positive pregnancy test! I was 5DPO according to my chart but maybe that was wrong! I knew it by this point anyway!

I managed to get some progrestrone supplements, cyclogest from a lovely lady on a fertility forum so this month that is what I tried!

Started bleeding on the 24th August! Well more like spotting but the obvious was obvious!

That months chart:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v8...p/i1689248.png

September

Things have been going a lot better this last couple of weeks, the odd moment but on a whole I have felt loads happier about myself! I guess the constant up & down of my hormones haven’t exactly helped! My body must feel like it’s on a rollercoaster but then that’s exactly how my mind feels. I think I could accept things more if I could ‘know’ what is going on. I find the situation frustrating more than upsetting – Don’t get me wrong I’m in bits sometimes emotionally but maybe I’m getting use to fate giving us the shit card!

My relationship has definitely suffered but in general I think men find it harder to understand us as we find it hard to understand them.

I often wonder what happens if I can’t give my OH what he wants, a family (?) He assures me as much as that is what he would like he would much prefer to be in a relationship he’s happy in! That’s ok short term …. If someone wants something out of life does that just change? If something is in your way from achieving what you want move around it don’t you (?) Insecurities on my side maybe?

12th September

Faint plus on Clearblue – Ah I knew it anyway!

We saw my consultant today for the first time!

He’s very ‘not bothered’ attitude & pretty defensive. I have forgotten what my OH said to him but it wasn’t a positive feeling in general!

Pretty quickly into discussion he said there wasn’t really much else that could be done the fragmin (heparin) I was on a couple of months ago was due to a borderline positive of lupus but on a repeat test I had a negative. That’s pretty much for further on down the line than NOW when we don’t get past 5 weeks. We sort of knew that!

I had a number of blood tests a wee while back, a couple of those are immune related but there are more biggy tests that can be done which are usually not carried out at the hospital BUT of course the "usually" made me question if ‘I’ could have these done! SO with the miscarriages we have occurred so far he is sure he can negotiate with that department for me to have these tests done!

HCG injections – Well back to self injecting. I have to inject (well he does) 10,000I.U of Pregnyl chorionic gonadotophin (HCG) 3 times a week! Had my first today so no more home tests for me (will save us a fortune).

Booked in for a scan on the 26th! Unlikely to see anything but they might if it is too early they will check the lining of my womb! If a MC was to occur in most cases the injections will stop my bleeding hence I have to be scanned so soon but in other cases these may help us to carry our pregnancy full term ( [-o< ) - something to do with the placenta!

If the pregnancy fails the consultant will arrange for the extra screening/blood tests!

13th September

I was in bed by midnight last night & up at 10.45AM this morning for work. A nice long sleep & feeling more energetic today although less when I think of the house work! How on earth can 2 people make so much mess? An the washing you would think we had 10 kids not trying to reach our first sticky LO!

Odd wee crampy feeling today – Very mild & a little more tenderness to boobies!

Medicated up with a double dose of folic acid, B6 vitamin & baby aspirin!