Lazy Leo

Thanks girls. but it's over, she's here and it's just so bloody unfair. i'm going to my mum's for tea. I'll probably rant and cry some more later tonight x

Tanya

so sorry hun.... well here is to a new cycle... it will be your turn soon.. just have to keep at it... good luck hun!

TT's

Sorry honey, just think that you're another step closer to your BFP!

Lazy Leo

Well I've reached a breaking point which hitherto I've never been at. Not even when I miscarried did I feel like I do now. It's just so tough at the moment. I don't know why this month is any different to any other month. Maybe it's just because I was so sure. I feel completely useless. I'm sure we did concieve this month but I just didn't manage to keep it safe. The level of cramp I'm suffering seems to reinforce that notion. We can't try this month anyway as John is away and when October gets here we'll have been trying 15 months. I know we can do it, we've done it before but why does it have to take so long. I feel so angry that John took an extra two years to decide that we were financially stable to have kids, yet I know if I went back I wouldn't change anything. He was right. But I've waited two years for him to be ready, it's been 15 months of miserable failure and even then if I fall next month it's another 9 months of waiting - by my reckoning that's bang on 4 years of waiting to have a baby. I could be thinking about sending him or her to school by now.

I feel such a mess, part of me wants to curl up and sleep forever, part of me wants to go on wild rampage and just break things and part me just thinks what the f@ck's the point, it won't change a single thing. I'll still be the same sorry miserable mess I am at the moment. I think this might be the point at which I need to take my break. I never thought I would come to that. Part of me almost thinks I should just go back on the pill, at least I would know for sure I won't be having a baby instead of this see-saw, maybe I am, maybe I'm not shite. But I know I won't do that. It's just emotion and not rational thought coming through. I was so flaming sure this month. I was positive. I really was. I think at the very least I am going to stop temping and opk'ing. My cycles are pretty regular still anyway. I need to talk to John about it all, but he's away just now and I don't like upsetting him too much when he's over there, it's not as if he can just fly home and give me a hug and make it all better. I wish I knew what would make it better, but I don't feel as though this pain wll ever go away. I've lost all hope at the moment. Things always seem worse at this time of the month - I know that. And I want to say I know things will seem better in a few days, but it just sounds like plattitudes, I don't even have enough hope to think that this hurt might subside never mind anything else.

I guess I just need a couple of days to wallow in my own self pity.

I'm sorry if you came in here looking for good news, and positivity, you really got a surprise in that case, through

TashaAndBump

I'm sorry you're having a down time at the moment. I can see your frustration and I can understand why entirely. Four years is a long time to wait... but like you say, you have done it once, you will do it again! I can't wait for it to be your turn, hun. I think you've been very patient to only hit that 'feels-like-breaking-point' now and not sooner, but try to remember that it is just feelings at the moment - I do not believe you are at breaking point, you are a very strong and persistent woman and you will keep trying, and soon enough you will get that again, this time it will be sticky!

As for having to wait 9 months, it can seem to drag at points and you're just wishing time by, but most of the time it's all part of the experience and time flies by too quickly - I bet you'll be missing your bump in no time! haha

Best of luck for your coming months, hope that MrStorky has a nice surprise up his sleeve for you soon.

PS: Don't be too disheartened if the witch gets you a few more times; wouldn't a big fat positive make the PERFECT, most magical Christmas pressie ever??

Big Chin up, chuck.

PPS: I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but hope that you don't mind my chit-chat-positive-wishes instead?

Keep smiling. Keep pestering OH for lol

Take care x

Lazy Leo

Hi there, thanks for the message. I really appreciate the support and your chit-chat-positive-wishes! It's just what I needed.

I just feel that the backside has fallen out of my world this month. I know I'll start to feel better in a few days. I'm not temping this month. There's no point, John's not here anyway. My cycle is fairly regular. My ovulation day has moved to day 15 and I've had a 14 day lp both cyles since my miscarriage. I might even stop my vitamins though with what happened to my friend's baby I'm not sure it's a good idea.
I think I need to step back a bit before I crack up completely. And please, no matter how well meaning, don't say anything about the correlation between taking a break and getting pregnant. I just don't believe it at the moment. Sorry if that sounds awful, I just can't handle hearing that at the moment.

Loo

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. So heres instead x

Lazy Leo

Thank you x

The Catster

Bummer! Bugger! Crap! x 1000

Nah I don't get the sayings...'if u stop actively ttc the u may suprise catch'......just doesn't make sense!!!
If you want a baby, u want a baby!!!! Sod all this, relax and u will catch shit!!!

Anyways, big hugs and squeezes!!! Do some breathing exercises/meditation techniques and stuff....that usually calms me down....

U see, your prob is getting ur OH to be near you when it is O time....so those 15 cycles, are probably truly half of what they should be, with regards of being suseptable.....or maybe even less????

What I would do in your situation is plan the next time John is going to be around within O time, say within the next 6 Cycles....
For example-
Cycle 16.....John away.....no chances
Cycle 17.....John home CD5-17.....high chance
Cycle 18.....John home CD16-CD28.....low chance
Cycle 19.....John home CD12-CD20.....high chance

Etc etc.......

So then at least you can see what lies ahead and how you can try and control it, and so it doesn't control u!!!!

Hope this is of some helps huns!!!! Thinkin about ya mate!!!

xxx

Omi

Oh, Monkey...

what can i say..but that ive been there. I have , and i feel the pain..(ok, snap out of the Bill Clinton vision..'i feel you're pain' ) But i do. I honestly do.Rest assured you will get the spring in your step back...its just that it happens to be worse after a mc as you know you can do it and- you long for nothing more to get back to that stage of being pg, of knowing you actually are having a baby and that you can fulfill all you dreams. Yes, sweetheart...i know how you feel.

But the upshoot is..you will get your strenght back- youre a strong woman and come from strong stock..so dont let past dissapointments hold you back. Its just a blip. Things will feel better and ttc will feel better... its a journey..and every month you feel different about it- i know i do. I dont go on about it much on here..mainly because i do know its blip... even when i feel like 'fuck it..i give up' i KNOW i dont actually mean it, I KNOW that im on this road to succeed, just as you are. So if a few obstacles get in my way..well, there's 2 trains of thought 1) Denial IS a river in Egypt (my fave) or 2) you move around them..and find something else to focus on..

The road you're on might change - but the direction- NEVER!!

Chin up, im here for you, love!!!

, Omi xxx