So frustrating, Holly! I am glad I am not the only one.

So, I had a little breakdown at work last night. I am in the middle of planning a baby shower for my co-worker and good friend Liz who is 31 weeks pregnant. It should be fun but tlaking about makes me a little sad at times but I deal.

Anyway, Lizzie had a friend come to the store last night with her 13 day old baby, her baby's daddy who had just been released from prison earlier that day and was high as a kite and some other strung out looking guy. The baby was so beautiful and I told them but then I had to walk away. I started crying and my friend Trinity listened to me trip out in the break room about fucked up drug addicts popping out kids left and right when me and so many of my B&B friends are just praying for a baby everyday. It just seems so unfair.

My best friend Nana and my "son" Shin (Their real names are Crystal and Matt) came in later in the night and gave me hugs and kisses which helped too so I am better but god I was frustrated, you know?

Also, on a side note, my son Shin is leaving state tonight. Matt aka Shin is an 18 year old kid who I adore, calls me Mom and my DH Dad and I honestly treat like he is my kid. I am so sad he is leaving tonight and I am sure I will be in tears but he will be back in a few months so it will be okay. He told me and DH that I needed to have a little brother or sister for him on the way when he came back and swore he would be in state when I have my baby so I felt loved. He is a good kid who is just coming off a pretty major drug habit so I pray to god he stays fairly straight.

Here is a pic of my best friend Nana, me and Shin from last Thursday:


That is all for now. I am SUPER bitchy right now so maybe the will visit?! I will let you know.

That's so nice of you to plan and help out a babyshower for your friend must be fun!! Seems you have a lot of nice coworkers. I took a look at your photo album from the other week where you said you went out and added photos up (on myspace) i was going to ask who that one guy "Shin" was, as he appeared in multiple photos. Seems like a good kid and lol @ wanting a little brother or sister how cute. I really hope 2008 is your year!!

Awwww and oooooo lol!!

Awww for that is so sweet helping out with the baby shower, esp when your TTC, i know id feel a little "grrr why isnt it me".

And ooooo for the feeling bitchy, i'll try only to be nice

Well, my bitchiness seems a bit better but last night I was really weepy. I actually think that was because Shin (my "son") left town but he called me at 4:30 this morning just to let me know his plane landed safely so I was better after that.

Right now, I really have no symptoms. None... no sign of the or of a possible pregnancy. Grrrrr... I wish I just had cycles like a normal girl. Oh well... I will be patient... okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... I will TRY to be patient.

Today I am a bitter TTC-er!!!

I hate anovulation. I hate that all books on infertility are about charting and CM. Both of those will not work for me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am mad and I told my husband that when the doctors give you fertility drugs, they should also give you a punching bag. Jack says that I should suggest it to Dr. Elrod. He can sell them right in his office. I would buy it. If I was still training in Tae Kwon Do right now, I would be in the studio letting off stress.

I love my pregnant friends but I don't want to see them right now or hear about their changes or any of that crap! Today is one of those days I feel like it will never happen for me.

I know I must seem so bipolar in my journal but I hope you all forgive me.

Hiya hon, are you feeling better? God I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for you!!! You're amazing, you sound so positive, you even bring humour to your frustration! You so deserve a LO, I'm rooting for ya with everything I've got! Come on meds, kick in and give our girl her !!!

Ohh sweety, I hope you're feeling better. Did they say why tracking CM wouldn't work well? I have irregular cycles, 30-130 days or so and I BD'd more on the days I had EWCM and it worked!

Well I can really understand your frustration with the irregular cycles, they truly suck. The girls with 28 day cycles don't know how lucky they are! They may ovulate 2-3 times or more while we only ovulate once, doesn't sound fair to me

Here are some

I have a feeling you´ll be pregnant sooner than you think

lots of hugs Sarah! Must be so frustrating at times wish things could be easier for ya! Sending you some extra and good luck . you can vent on your journal all you like! That's what it's here for, to collect your thoughts

I love you guys! I am feeling much better.

#1 - I have like the greatest husband on earth. I seriously do not mean to brag because I know not everyones DH is supportive but mine is the freaking bomb which is awesome because I am pretty co-dependent and would be awful if I tried to live alone. LMAO He is being really understanding about my TTC mood swings and very very rarely tells me to get over it so that is a huge help.

#2 - I am feeling better. I am done being bitter. It is unfair to my pregnant friends and can not be doing me any favors. (I don't want stress wrinkles! LMAO) I need to realize that God or Buddha or whatever higher being there is out there has made me like this for a reason and when I do get my I will love my baby even more because I had to work so hard to achieve them.

#3 - You girls really help. You may not know exactly how I feel about things and the same things goes for me about you but you are so supportive. I think if I had to sit at home and stew about things on my own, I would get even more depressed and down on myself. I would think I was broken and the only women in the world that felt this way. You guys really do help my piece of mind and I am so glad I found this drama free site of awesome, kick ass women!!!!

#4 - Why will charting not work. Because my hormones are out of wack, I am getting CM and stuff but it is not from ovulation at all. When I get my period, it is because the lining in my uterus is so heavy, it breaks off. (That is why when I do get periods every 6 months or so, they are 2-3 weeks long and very irregular.) Your body will still produce CM without ovulation because the hormones set off at the wrong time and send weird ass signals to the brain. So, in the end... nothing is really happening fertility wise... UGH! The one thing that I do have going for me is that all my girlie bits are in the right places.

#5 - Possible other problems that the doctor may look at... He thinks I could have endometriosis or possibly even scarring on my uterine lining because of the way my periods work which could make it harder for an egg to stick. However, checking for those things is a invasive surgery so he is going to try Clomid or other things first to see if we can get me knocked up before we go the surgical route. (I read in TCOYF how they do that test through your belly button and I told my DH. He was like, "Then we need to get you pregnant before July or Aug when they would want to try that!" He was so disgusted!)

So, now you all know more about my periods and stuff then you ever wanted to know but there you have it... Sarah has screwed up cycles! I am going to attempt to not be jealous of your lovely ladies anymore with your fairly monthly periods and just be praying for all your 's and healthy pregnancies!

Thanks for all your support!

sorry sweet...i understand your frustration...but you will get your BFP ! you have such a wonderful personality and you will you be a great mother i am sure of it! good luck!