You ladies are crazy! Well, today I took my last Provera so now I am just waiting for the . Please please please let her come soon!!! I wanna start my clomid.

You can have mine! Mrs. AF Ma'am, it's not that far, still in the north, you're fast, what's Stockholm to Wasilla to you?

I'll let you know soon if she listened or not.

You be sure to let me know! ^_~

So, I am now playing the waiting game. My nerves are just totally raw right now and I seriously have been a real witch at work lately because I am having trouble controlling my temper. I am not sure if this emotional ickiness is due to the Provera still or just because I feel like most of the people I work with are morons. LOL

My husband asked me the other day, "What happens if the Provera doesn't work?" I was like "I have no idea."

Please pray for me! I am still totally optomistic about everything working, I am just worried!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH... WTH!! A mouse just ran across my floor!!!!! I guess this is what I get for living in the woods!!!! Please go away little mouse.

cmoooooooon

Still waiting and praying for af! I really hope she comes soon! I just wanna get going on this next step!

~~~> she always comes when you don't want her and now when you do she is no where to be seen! I hope that she gets here very soon

So, I think today is a bit of an emo day for me. I am REALLY emotional so I am hoping that it is a sign of AF but I am seriously just going to vent out in my journal so I feel better.

Here it goes...

THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT!!! I mean, FOR REAL! Why is it that everyone has normal periods and not me. I am not trying to be all shitty and I know the grass is always greener on the other side but at least most other women get a period! At least they get to try in a cycle for a . I am just there. I feel awful and broken and totally not a women. I just really want a child. I want to make Jack a dad and I want to have my own little family. I just want a fighting chance but noooooooooooooooooooo. I am the weird girl who only gets a period every 6-9 months and even my doctors are shocked and dismayed. WTF is that?!?!?! I mean, yes they say we will fix it and stuff but then every time I see them, they are like, Nothing yet?! UGH!

I just want to be normal. I want to be able to chart and temp and whine when I do not get my scheduled af or when I get a . I mean, I can still get a neg everyday but I mean, why was my money. I know for a fact that I haven't O'ed. In fact, my doctor things that I may never have EVER o'ed before. I will be 28 on June 13th and this is just really hard right now. I never thought I'd wait this long to be a parent since DH and I have been together since I was 18 in 1998. Jack is 37 now and I don't think he expected to wait this long either but THANK GOD he has never complained and is always supportive.

I hate that people are always saying, "You can have my cycles" or "you are so lucky" or "someday you will be happy that you get no periods." I just always fake laugh and silently wish them instant painful karma but I know that they just do not understand. I am not lucky, I am broken and they can all kiss my fucking ass. Seriously. I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and I was state champion and 4th at Nationals for sparring. If I had less self control, I would be kicking major ass but I don't. I keep it all in and try to hide how much it hurts because no one understands and I hate that so much.

With all this fertility drug stuff and work being all crazy, I sometimes feel like I am loosing it like right now and I so wish I had someone I could call or talk to but I don't. Hell, I wish I had someone to text message. Alaska is so small population wise and there are no fertility support groups. My friends don't get it and I know my husband gets sad about it too so I try not to talk to him about it when I am all upset. He is working overnights now so when I am home alone, I just think too much.

I think once I get some sleep and get up for work at 4am then I will be doing better but for now I just needed a good cry and I needed to get all this out. Sorry if I am all depressing or annoying in my pathetic-ness but I just had to vent out my feelings, you know? Any US people want to be my text message/venting buddy? LOL

Love ya all and thanks for caring. I just feel all alone sometimes.

Sarah

I think I had a nervous breakdown last night. (I know that sounds so overdramatic but it's true.) I seriously tried to go to bed at 12:30 and laid in bed and cried until like 1:30. I just could not stop. Then I finally fell asleep about 2:15 and got up at 3:55 for work. (10 minutes ago.) I will be leaving in 15 minutes but I have a killer headache.

Thankfully, I feel all cried out so my 14 hour day today should be tear free and hopefully I will start feeling better soon.