suzan

I confess that I have a problem. And this problem hurts, breaks, and drives me crazy. I confess that TTC has stolen everything from me. My smiles, my dreams, my peace of mind, my sleeps, my eating habits, my fun side, my physical appearance.

I confess that I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Feeling of emptiness, and sadness.. feeling of a loser and a dreamer.. this is what I know how to do in my life.. dream, stress, and feel anxiety every single second.

I confess that I really want to get out of this deep hole. I need help, and I have reached a point that I wont try hard for it. I want my life back, even DH has told me to get my life back, and it hurts so much to hear it from him.

I confess that I want to heal, I want to smile again and joke much more like before.. I really want to take things less serious and get back the life I had. I want to live a honeymoon with DH every single day, and be the best wife there can ever be.

I confess that when I say that I am a loser is because I feel that if DH would have married someone else, then he would have been a dad by now.. who knows? but sadly this is not the case with me... Maybe this is wrong to be said but I feel I have to say it out loud or my heart will stop beating.

I confess that the 2 miscarriages I have been thru have destroyed me.. oh wow, I really have a sad life, don't I? I want to get out of this.

But I also confess that I want a baby so badly.. I confess I want to be a mother.. give birth to a miracle and blessing, either blue or pink, it doesn't matter..

Most probably, if this month doesn't work out.. I will give up, and try to get my life back.

Carolina

aww suzan...im sorry your feeling so bas..it sounds like your heart is breaking! Whether or not your DH would have a child by now or not with someone else doesnt matter because he wouldnt be as happy...he loves you. I have felt how you do and was worries that i would never feel 'normal' again. I knew i had to do something to calm myself down so i went to an accupuncturist last week and im going again this week. I would really recommend it suzan because it has worked for me i feel relaxed and im not thinking about not being pregnant yet anywhere near as often infact i feel great and only get down for a couple of minutes a day compared to all the time. I could feel my depression really coming back and starting to destroy me and now i dont feel depressed. The accupuncture can be used for relaxation, stress, depression, general well being and fertility. (I really think you should give it a go its not scary and doesnt hurt and im scared of needles!). If not i think you should talk to a councellor or someone impartial where you can express exactly how your feeling!

NeyNey

Oh sweetheart.

Massive hugs for you.

I really hope that this is your month, I really do. But even if it isn't, there are so many avenues that you have yet to go down. I would hate to see you give up. I know what you're going through, and I know how hard it is to try to get the motivation to keep going.


Thinking of you sweetie.

Alexandra

Suzan, I know this will not necessarily hit home, that I don't have all the data and PLEASE don't take it the wrong way BUT

There have been serious studies to suggest that depression can affect your fertility. Please, for your sake, that of your DH and that of your future little miracle take a long hard look and check if you are not experiencing a real depressive episode and if you are please go talk to a specialist.

In my counseling days I've met hundreds of depressive women and I can tell you hand on heart that it is NOT something that you can ignore. Accupuncture, StJohn'sWart and so on are all very good steps but talking to a therapist is even better and will help you sort loads of things.

http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html This is a good starting point.

I hope I'm wrong and this was just a venting post, you're not actually depressive but if you are, I'd rather you hated me for posting this and took the steps to get better than not.

I wish you all the luck in the world sweetheart and I apologize if this was offensive, it wasn't meant in any other fashion than as help.

Mynxie

just wanting to send you a giant sized cyber hug and tell you that I understand. I'm here for you if you'd like to chat xx

wishing4ababy

wow this ttc is hard. I felt the same too when i was ttc for the first time. Please do not blame yourself, please don;t be too down. i know how you feel...i am here if you want to chat. PM me or any of the other ladies on here - we are all in the same boat and sometimes it is better to chat to someone you dont know rather than the people who are close to you. Try and stay positive and focus on the positives in your life. I know it is hard and easier said than done. Someone once said to me that i had lost myself when i was ttc #1 - and they were right. I knew they were right but they didn;t understand what i was going through and i hated her for it - but how could she know. No one will ever know how hard this ttc is until they are actually doing it themselves.
sending you massive hugs - please talk to someone - even if you don't want to talk to me. I have found it so fantastic to talk to the women on here - it gives me hope and makes me feel "normal" that i am not the only person in the world going through it.
xxx

superp123

I haven't been on long, so I can't say that I know you. But I agree with some of the girls... if you're seriously down maybe it's time to talk it through with someone.
And DH is right too. I know I'm not supposed to side with the men. But if the person who knows you best is telling you to get a life, then he's prob. right. Right? It's time to reconnect with yourself and get grounded again. Start to pick up where you left off and enjoy yourself again.
And don't forget we're here and you're not alone.
I'm sending you lots of Thinking of you.
P

Lazy Leo

Oh Suz, there's really not a lot I can say to make you feel better I know. I think you'll know yourself what you need to do. It hurts to say these things out loud, but its the first step to dealing with things sensibly. Sending you lots of , some and lots of love.
Look after yourself xx