It's been a couple of weeks ladies!! I missed y'all
We got back from our cruise last night.. It was truly the ultimate dream vacation. I can't wait to do it again
How many BFP's did I miss??? CONGRATS to all who got theirs!! And BABY DUST to all who are still hoping and waiting!! (I'll search the posts too to see what all I missed).
OH, and uh, remember how I said we probably weren't TTC for a while...?
With the whacky and stressful cycle I had last month I decided I was done counting for a while (all the numbers are on my calendar, I want to have a GREAT and UNSTRESSFUL cruise so I'm NOT even thinking about it). Well, with our almost 3 year old with us during the cruise it was hard to get any alone time together anyway. So then, the whole ONE time we "BD'd" was one morning while he was still asleep. We weren't sure what kind of time we had and we're trying to be sooo quiet so we sure as heck weren't getting up to get a condom. I was thinking about it laying there afterward (ya know, COUNTING again)...So the facts are, I ended up starting about 12 days late last time, January 10th (first time EVER being more than a couple of DAYS late). This was the morning of the 24th. YEP, day 14. So, here I am again, whether I like it or not, I'll be thinking about it all the time unitl I get an answer.
I dunno, it's a touchy subject for me.. I've not come out and said I'm actually TTC because even though I feel physically and financially ready, and relationship wise we are good-to-go, I went through a lot of emotional issues the first time (here we go, I smell a novel coming). First off I was 19 years old, my husband was 25 but it was his first child too. I gained a lot of weight - about 70 lbs. Dilated 1cm at 27 weeks and stayed on strict bed rest until 37 weeks (when I had him) which drove me completely insane
. He was flown out to Children's only 5 hours post-birth with no assurance to me that he'd make it there. We stayed there for 2 weeks treating him for Hyaline Membrane Disease with oxygen, feeding tubes, needles, monitors... need I say more. I got no sleep and was battling Mastitis since he couldn't nurse and I was producing more milk than I could pump - I was pumping two 4 ounce bottles every 3 hours. It was the most emotionally draining 2 weeks of my life. I still haven't gone to the preemie forum here, I haven't had the guts to yet
. Finally he got better (thankfully this is a temporary condition, once treated gone for good) and we were able to come home. But
I didn't get better. DH and I even split up when Alex was 8 months old because things had gotten so bad. All I did was cry and try to self-rid my mood swings by forcing a smile on my face. I hated everything but my baby. I wanted DH home all day and when he came home I wanted him gone. I was SO MAD at myself that I couldn't control my emotions. I knew how I was being and that it was uncalled-for but I didn't know how to deal with it. Especially since I didn't even know what depression was in its modest form before I had him. I just kept trying to rationalize that I was justified so I never got help. I hardly ever changed out of my pj's. All I wanted to do was hold him. When people came to visit I literally had to shut myself in my room with pillows over my head JUST because someone (other than myself, my husband, or MY mother was touching him). RIDICULOUS. UGH it makes me sick thinking about it. I didn't finally get treated for post-partum depression with meds and counselling until Alex was a year and a half old. WAY TOO LONG. I'm still taking the meds for it (mostly preventative) and he'll be three in a couple of weeks. Anyway I learned a lot from it and I am much more exerienced, stable, and prepared now for what
could come but I just don't know if I am ready to say YES, let's make this happen. But at the same time I want to.
So if I seem wishy washy that's why... I guess we'll see though! Thanks to all who made it through that...If it was stressful to read, imagine my struggle! I'm sure there are many who have gone through a similar situation though. I'd love to hear from those who have braved a second go-round...
that would be great! 
for you and fingers crossed!!!
Linear Mode
