Okay ladies, anyone who can help me deal with this one gets a big cookie.
My mother-in-law and her boyfriend smoke (~2 packs a day, each). My husband's entire family smokes. Neither my DH nor I, nor anyone on my side of the family smoke, and we're all very sensitive to cigarette/cigar smoke (hubby and my dad are both asthmatic).
Here's the problem. My MIL lives down the hall, in the same apartment building as us. We share her van, and often go places as a foursome. Even on a 15-minute drive, my MIL will light up. I assumed if we ever brought up how much it bothered us that she'd refrain, so today DH addressed it and she said she wouldn't stop. He told her how sick it makes us both feel, how it aggravates his asthma, but she didn't care. He didn't tell her we're TTC as that would open up a can of worms (did I mention my MIL is a bit nosy?)
I believe strongly that while TTC it's important to try and treat your body as though you were already pregnant. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't take drugs (other than prescriptions and acetaminophen for pain). Knowing that second hand smoke is just as poisonous as first-hand, I don't want to travel with her if she's going to smoke - particularly during the TWW when I could potentially be pg. Today I decided not to go shopping with them in order to avoid the smoke, but I can't stay home every time - it's a bandaid solution, not a permanent answer to the problem.
Now that I'm taking a stand, it's causing a major problem. It's Christmas, and of course the family wants to get together, but I don't want to visit with a house full of smokers (at a typical Christmas gathering with DH's side of the family the air is actually blue and I'm usually sick for days afterwards). I might be pg right now, and even if I'm not I don't want to make myself sick, but living in the same building as my MIL things get very touchy. I absolutely don't want to upset her, but I also refuse to make myself sick in order to maintain family peace.
Help! Am I doing the right thing, rocking the boat this Christmas? I want to do what's best for both DH and myself, and our potential baby, but it's going to cause some serious waves if I put my foot down and say I refuse to visit or travel with anyone who insists on smoking from this point forward.
I know how you feel. By boyfriend smokes (1 pack/day), his mom smokes (3+ packs/day), her boyfriend smokes (1 pack/day), my mom smokes, etc, etc, etc. Everyone I am around smokes. His mom is the worst though. We live with her too, so it's worse. I stay back in our room all day to avoid it. It's so bad, as soon as I walk in the living room (where she stays most of the day, and she doesn't work/do anything so she is here all day) my eyes instantly start watering and burning!!
My boyfriend knows that he will not be smoking in the house when we move, and I told him I wont stay here if we aren't moved out by the time baby is born. I know my mom will avoid smoking around the baby. However his mom said she would smoke in a different room until the baby was 1 year old, and then she would freely smoke around him as she pleased!!
What makes it worse too is that my BF had really bad ear infections (so much that he said "green stuff" used to run out of his ears when he tilted his head!!) until he was 12, and he has asthma. However his mom isn't the type of person to care what anyone else wants or how they want their children raised, she thinks she can do whatever she wants when she wants. I will feel bad not letting her around Colton because it's her first grandbaby, and the only child of her only son (and only child), but if she thinks she will smoke around him as she pleases then she has another thing coming.
I know that it's no different with them smoking around me being pregnant, than it is them smoking around the baby. But, sad to say it, with the baby I will have something physical that I can take away from them and not let them see. May sound like a bitch, but he is my first and only son/child.
ToriaaaTRASH - I have to respectfully disagree. I think (at least for me) it can be prevented 100% of the time, but not without making some people seriously upset with me. I'm outspoken, and if I need to I can be nasty, I just don't want it to get to that point; I'm looking for the solution I can't see, hoping someone has an easier way out than a screaming fight with my MIL.
Wow MarchBaby, thanks for that! At least I'm not alone, not that that's a good thing - I wish neither of us was in this situation.
I think it's awful that you're hiding in the back room to avoid the smoke (and VERY wrong that your boyfriend is still smoking - he needs to quit, you tell him I said so! You should be able to move around freely in your own home, for goodness sake. I know that she owns the place, but you'd think that even if she can't respect you, she'd respect her future grandchild enough not to smoke around you.
His mother saying she'll smoke around YOUR child as she pleases just makes me hopping mad - that's so selfish I can't even believe it. If you keep Colton away from someone who intends to smoke while he's in their care, you are most definitely not a bitch; you're protecting your child as any mother should. Don't forget to look after yourself as well!
To heck with it. If you're going to tell your MIL what's what (once you're on your own turf, which is understandable), so can I. Let's make some waves!
BTW, Colton is a beautiful name. I've always liked the name Cole if we ever have a boy, or Coulter, but Cole sounds better with our last name
You are right about taking a stand ...let them know that your door is open to them as long as they come and don't smoke in it mention it will be ok if they want to step outside and i have smoke break (and the day you have the baby than mention that should wash theirs hands before hugging him or her
My mother in law is a big big smoker i already make that deal with her she knows it already ,my husband is backing me up (he does not smoke ).
you mention that she is a little noisy but sometimes this kind of person are the best to talk to one on one .If you don't want to go at christmas have a little celebration at your home with your own conditions "no smoking live happy "
good luck to you!
Status: Online
The following user says 'Thanks' to miel for this post:
Thank you miel! She's nosy, not noisy - I meant she pokes her nose into our business (and everyone else's). I'm guessing if I tell her I'm pg (when I am) that she'll stop smoking around me if I ask/tell her, but we didn't want to use TTC as the reason when my DH talked to her today because that would have started a HUGE discussion about money, timing, space, birth plans, and everything else you can possibly think of that having a baby might affect in our lives. She worries far too much about things that are really only our business/problem, we just didn't feel like having that in-depth a discussion today.
2nd hand smoke is WORSE than smoking because it isn't filtered. Smoking can contribute to lower fertility, miscarriage and low birth weight to name a few.
You're doing the right thing by looking after yourself so well, and when you are pregnant you will just have another reason to not car pool/visit etc.
I hate to say this but I am a smoker I quit 2 months before TTC and stayed quit until we found out about our infertility and became so stressed and thought what the hell...I will be quitting as soon as we know when we'll be doing IVF or whatever fertility treatment we do.
I'm really conscious about smoking around non smokers and would NEVER smoke close to a pregnant woman or child...I keep my distance big time.
If your MIL is going to be pissy at you then thats her problem. She knows the reason why and its up to her to compromise and if she won't do that then stuff her! I know its easier said than done with inlaws though
If people choose to smoke then that is their choice and right to hurt themselves, but they have NO right inflicting this on other who were smart enough to never take up smoking!
Be strong hun, you're in the right and she is being totally unreasonable. If you can get DH to back you up (sounds like he already is) then thats a big bonus.
There is no point in making yourself sick (and possibly your baby) in order to keep the peace
Wow MarchBaby, thanks for that! At least I'm not alone, not that that's a good thing - I wish neither of us was in this situation.
I think it's awful that you're hiding in the back room to avoid the smoke (and VERY wrong that your boyfriend is still smoking - he needs to quit, you tell him I said so! You should be able to move around freely in your own home, for goodness sake. I know that she owns the place, but you'd think that even if she can't respect you, she'd respect her future grandchild enough not to smoke around you.
His mother saying she'll smoke around YOUR child as she pleases just makes me hopping mad - that's so selfish I can't even believe it. If you keep Colton away from someone who intends to smoke while he's in their care, you are most definitely not a bitch; you're protecting your child as any mother should. Don't forget to look after yourself as well!
To heck with it. If you're going to tell your MIL what's what (once you're on your own turf, which is understandable), so can I. Let's make some waves!
BTW, Colton is a beautiful name. I've always liked the name Cole if we ever have a boy, or Coulter, but Cole sounds better with our last name
I've tried to get my boyfriend to quit. At first he said he would try, but now he really has no determination to even try. I mention things all the time to him, like when we are standing in our future house and he is smoking, I'll tell him, "you better enjoy smoking in here now.." or when we are in the car I tell him, "you better start practicing making it a whole car ride without a cig, because you cannot smoke in the car with the baby". lol. I've also told him that I would make him wash his hands after every cig, and even went as far as telling him he would have to brush his teeth before getting close up to the baby!! He doesn't smoke that often (or as much as other people around us), but he thinks that it "relieves his stress"
His mother doesn't care about anyone besides herself. This maybe alittle off topic, but she is the same with our dog (which he bought me for christmas). She feeds him whatever she wants, and basically stuffs it down his throat if he turns it down. It makes him sick and he has diarrea (sp?) all the time . However, when we tell her not to give him stuff of the table, she tells us not to tell her what to do!!
Oh, and thanks (about the name). I thought about doing Colton, and doing Colt for short.. but my BF doesn't like Colt.. only Colton not that much difference, so whatever.. Lol
i smoke myself and so does my bf, i know it bad for me and as soon as i get pg they will be out of the door. Even so i smoke outside as its not fair to do it round my daughter, canyt they go outside at least??
I have a very similar problem. My mum and stepdad both smoke. My mum is a chain smoker. My dp also smokes but never around me or in the house.
Obviously for me the situation is a bit different because I'm already pregnant and I told them firmly not to smoke in the car. Aside from it being bad for me it makes me travel sick. I try to stop them smoking around me but in their own home they won't. Even dp gets annoyed and says it makes him feel ill when we sit in their lounge and they chain smoke with no windows open. He refuses to stay their over night this Christmas so we are staying at my Nans. I think they feel that it's ok because dp smokes too.
I would try not to worry too much about a little smoke and tollerate it where you can but if it gets to much & you're in their house then step out of the room or go outside if they light up. You can't really force them to do something differently in their own homes, especially if they don't know you're ttc so it's more polite to go outside for a bit for some fresh air and at the same time they might realise how much it's bothering you.
Status: Offline
Join the community! Register your FREE account to remove these ads!
. It can't ALWAYS be preveted
You should be able to move around freely in your own home, for goodness sake. I know that she owns the place, but you'd think that even if she can't respect you, she'd respect her future grandchild enough not to smoke around you. 
I quit 2 months before TTC and stayed quit until we found out about our infertility and became so stressed and thought what the hell...I will be quitting as soon as we know when we'll be doing IVF or whatever fertility treatment we do.
. However, when we tell her not to give him stuff of the table, she tells us not to tell her what to do!! 
not that much difference, so whatever.. Lol
Linear Mode
