Not really sure where to put this.

Right now its 11:30pm, i'm normally in bed by 9:30pm at the latest and fall asleep with 15 or so minutes. I've been in bed for over 2 hours and I just cannot get to sleep.

I just feel so numb, sad and teary, all because of this stupid test. I feel how I would expect to feel if I misscarried or something, only I haven't. I just can't seem to feel anything except for numbness, sadness and hopelessness. Its all I can describe it as.

Today I lounged around all day, unable to do anything except for basic housework. I hardly ate anything all day, didn't get much sleep last night either.

I wish I never took that test. I know some of you still think I could be preg, but I am 1000000000% sure i'm not, completely convinced it was bodgy. I really thought I hadn't even gotten my hopes up...i'd hate to think how i'd feel if I did really get my hopes up.

Not much point to this post, just hoping that if I write down how I feel I might feel a bit better and be able to get some sleep.

I feel so awful that it is churning me up so bad, making me feel sick.

Thanks for listening
xoxo

aww fjl... i really feel for you if you are not pregnant it is soo cruel. i hope you get some sleep pet i know your convinced your not pregnant so i dont want to get your hopes up but i really really hope your FR tests are crap and you are pregnant! You say you feel like you imagine if would if you had a MC in a way though it is like you did becaue for a couple of hours/day you understandably thought you were so it is a loss. so what your feeling i totally natural. I think you should def test again but it is prob (in a way) a good thing that your convinced your not pregnant so if you get a bfn you wont have to ge through it again. I really hope you get a bfp though, you deserve it!

your in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry hun. I really, really hope it happens for you soon. You deserve this so much.

fjl you are such a wonderful person and i feel so bad that you are going through this. i can understand how you feel as you had a glimmer of hope for a few hours and now it has gone. you always give such great and thoughtful advice to everyone to make them feel better and i wish i could say something to make you feel better.

don't beat yourself up for doing the test, it is natural that you were really excited and thought you had a few symptoms and light af last time, i'm sure most of us would have done the same thing. ttc makes us all so impatient!

just take some time to do the things that make you feel good, maybe watch a movie, get a facial or talk to dh about it so he hold you for a while. i really hope you feel better soon xx

I just want to vacuum up all your hurt feelings and endure your pain so you don't have to! Maybe try some yoga to help get your mind away from what has happened. I know it is not easy to distance yourself from your thoughts...but you need to keep healthy mentally and physically. Please keep posting if it helps you get out how you are feeling! And I agree with Mojo ~ Treat yourself

aww hun.

i know how you feel it hurts like hell even if u try your hardest to not get your hopes up, i hope you get a bfp soon hun i really do.

Jaymie xxx

your in my thoughts i hope you get some sleep tonight and everything works out for you xx

aww hunny, I know it hurts, but we're all here for you! Don't be so hard on yourself, I agree with what was said, it's only natural you would hope. It will happen for you hun, I'm praying for you.

Hi FJL,

Just see what the next few days will bring before you lose hope. Like the others said, treat yourself - it's nearly Christmas, go out and enjoy yourself doing what you normally would do. Try (probably impossible, I know!) to not think about things too much until about Wednesday/Thursday and test again using FMU.

Do not beat yourself up about feeling bad and feeling like it is a loss. Because of the CB test, you were made to feel pregnant for a while, so naturally got excited about it - we would all have been the same. However, you don't know yet for sure if the CB was wrong. You are less than a week past ovulation, early days yet. Things could work out well for you. Fingers crossed for you!

Hey girls, I managed to get 5 hours sleep...a bit different from my usual 9-10 hours!

I ended up waking DH up (even though the poor guy had to get up really early for work) for some much needed cuddles and fell asleep in his arms.

The main reason I have 0 hope is because of this last sperm test. If it had've tested out ok then I don't think I would feel this bad. But judging from the test it is virtually impossible to have conceived.

I will wait until my cheapy ebay tests arrive and test again if AF doesn't come before hand.

Thankyou so much for all your support everyone, it helps me more than you could ever know