Snowball

It's coming up to that time of year again and a lot of people are decorating resting places and buying little things for them and it makes me question myself... Why didn't we have Beau buried?

When I was first told he'd gone I went into a lot of denial and I said no to seeing him or burying him because I think I felt that ignoring everything made it less real. I feel so bad about that now. We didn't get hand or footprints and I want them too. Why didn't I ask for all that stuff?

The last week or so I've wanted somewhere to go to feel close to him and there is nowhere. I looked round for things for Christmas and got a personalised bauble for him but I can't go and take it to him so it's going to hang on our tree every year.

I just wish we had somewhere where we could visit him

meldmac

Maybe set up a shelf or somewhere in your place that you can decorate just for him. I have a chest where I put all of Devin's keepsakes, and where we have his ashes for now.

RileysMummy

Heya hun. I can imagine how very hard it is with everyone having places they go to see their angels, but hun just because Beau doesnt have this or that, doesnt mean you cant remember him. Just look inside your heart, thats the most beautiful place you can remember your little angel. Sorry if that doesnt answer your question hun xxx

louise1302

aww hun i dont come in here often but could you not plant a little tree for him in your garden and decorate it, i know its not the same but its somewhere to quietly sit and somewhere to put little things

Drazic<3

Oh hunny,
Huge
I agree, a garden can be really therapeutic. We did bring our tiny bubs home but I would of done the same if I couldn't have. We have been putting little ornaments on there and planted a small tree which we hope to give roots in a garden one day. I have pics of his garden on the link in my sig if it helps?
Thinking of you

Tishimouse

Hi Snowball,
I've been reading about peoples experiences relating to loss here and notice how different things comfort different people. Some have graves to visit, some have ashes in their homes and some have distant memories of loss. Whatever you have, it's important to manage your grief and I think there are lots of things you can do to help you.

I love the idea of a special bauble for your Christmas tree and I would have thought of that myself. I also love someone elses suggestion of planting a special tree or a beautiful house plant if you don't have a suitable garden.

The closest loss I have experienced is that of my mother (5 years ago) and she has a grave, but it's in a different country to where I live, so it's not a place I can regularly visit. If I'm honest, I now feel content with that as I recently went there to find that I couldn't concentrate on speaking to her and spent my time looking at everyone elses graves and reading headstones, I was evading looking at her headstone as seeing her name written there just reminded me of her actual funeral. I really detest that memory and find it quite disturbing. On Mother's Day I buy her fresh flowers and display them in my home. They are for her but I believe she would be happier to see me brighten my home with her memory, rather than place the flowers where noone can see them. When people visit, I tell them that the flowers are for my mother's memory and that means I get to share a few memories of her with others and keep her memory alive. I light candles for her too and have a special Christmas candle that is for her so when it's lit it makes me feel that she is a little closer to me.

I hold on to the belief that her soul is in heaven and for as long as we live, a little part of her will remain on Earth too. Although it's comforting for people to have a grave to visit, it's not necessary as the person isn't really there and there can be sadder and more disturbing memories when visiting for people like me who find that task difficult.

I've written this in the hope that it will help you accept that your choice was the right one for you at the time and that in the big scheme of things, should not be something to upset you. Do all the other things you can to cherish your little boy. He is an angel and will always be with you. Your bauble, flowers, candles, plants etc., can act instead of the missing handprints and footprints and over the years may even become easier to grieve with than other types of memories. I would like to think that some divine power or even your little angel guided you wisely not to choose these options, knowing that in the long run the alternatives would make you happier and ease your grieving process.

Thinking of you and other parents who have to go through this terrible experience.

Coffee

^Such wonderfully wise words from Tishi.

Sending you xx

serina27

i was the same now Hope as a cherry tree x

Jody R

Is there any chance the hospital would have taken the hand and footprints anyway? Could you ring the bereavement midwife or your old consultant and ask about that?

You could also ask about which memorial garden they use, lots of them have statues or areas where people can leave flowers and momentos even if their little one isn't actually at rest there for whatever reason.

We take flowers to Ally and Elisabeth but our special things for them are at home, because that's where they should be. We have special tree ornaments and a little ornamental fireplace with three little hooks on it to hold tiny stockings with their names and Joseph's on them. We have a special vase for flowers so we get two bunches the same, one for their garden and one for their vase at home.

You could plant something in your own garden or add something to a memory box or even decorate a tiny tree just for Beau. But you are always close to him you know, because you carry him in your heart every day.