babyell

When I was pregnant with Harry, I was paranoid all the way through, I had an emergency scan when I lost a clot, kept thinking every twinge was me losing him, everytime I went to the loo I would look to see if there was any blood. Something in my head kept telling me he wouldnt be born alive, kept thinking im not lucky enough to be blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children. I kept looking in here at all the other ladies stories,and feeling so sad for them, thinking how unfair life can be. And now I too belong in here. I keep going into the second tri section, and looking on my phone how far along I would be now, how big he would be, what he would weigh. And what he would have looked/been like. I can imagine him with his little button nose and cheeky smile, with his hair like his daddy's. I keep crying for no reason.My heart feels like it is being crushed. With an aching pain in my chest, and an empty feeling. When I dropped kids off at school I had to run back and as soon as I closed the door I started crying again, that was 1 hour ago and I'm still crying now. I feel so alone, even though I have my hubby and kids. The kids are really suffering from it. Keep shouting at them for nothing. I just feel like I can't face anyone ever again. I have avoided my hubbys family, and barely speak to mine. It is hard, especially with hubbys lot, his brother had a baby the week before we lost Harry and we had to go round and see them the day after I had had him. It was so hard, just feel so angry and depressed, every pregnant woman, I can't help thinking why didnt it happen to her instead. And I feel awful for thinking it, because noone should have to go through this pain. Like hubby said, it could have happened to them and now she is on her second chance. I just want to go to sleep so the pain goes away. I hate myself for how I am acting. I thought I was stronger than this.

natasja32

Oh sweetie...Im so sorry you are going through this right now. Its awfull and no parent should have to go through what have to. I wish i could take your pain away sweetie. Dont feel quilty for the way you are feeling. Its "normal" to feel the way you are.I have felt the same in the past. I still do from time to time,but no as much. It does get "easier" in the sense that you learn to live with your sadness. Its been 8 months since we lost our little boy and i still cry,not as much but i miss him everyday. Are you receiving any grief counceling? It does help tremendously. Hubby and i are still seeing our councelar and it has helped us both alot,more so hubby i think as you know what men are like,they dont do feelings. But when we see the grief councelar he has to open up and talk about our son and how he is feeling. May be worth finding out about it,if you arent seeing one. Thinking of you sweetie. Sending you big cuddles. Im only a pm away if you want to talk.

babyell

How do you arrange to see someone? the hospital just sent me on my way with no follow up appointments or anything, so pretty much on our own. I dont want to take antidepressents with TTC as if I am lucky wnough to get pregnant I dont want to harm the baby. (I know that could be ages off and that kills me knowing I will have to wait). Keep telling myself it will happen straight away because it did last time (but I know it wont). I got pregnant a few weeks after having implant removed. Just feel stuck in limbo.

natasja32

Your hospital should have a grief councelar there that you could see sweetie. Or your gp could recommend one. My oldest son who is 9 also speaks to the grief councelar when he is feeling upset. Its helped him alot. But i talk about our little boy Bodhi all the time,so the kids also feel comfortable talking about him and telling me when they feel sad.I can understand not taking antidepressents with ttc. Im sure you will get pregnant again sweetie,when your body has healed it will happen,you will see.

lauraperrysan

im so so sorry for your loss I have only suffered early losses so I understand it is very different. i dont really have much advise but i think you should be offered the chance to speak to someone about how your feeling, it sounds like that would be the 'normal' way to feel - sorry that sounds odd but thats how I would expect it to feel??
sending you massive and lot's of strenght to get you thro the next few weeks / momnths.....us women are stronger than we think
and remember you are very special as you have your own angel looking over you always
god bless you and your family xxxxxx

meldmac

It's still really early days for you sweetie. Everything you are feeling is completely natural. I felt the same too after losing Devin. It does get easier to deal with as the time goes by but you need to let yourself grieve. Don't let anyone ever tell you there is a time limit on grief because there isn't.

Early_Bump

So sorry you find yourself here with all us other angel mummy's my loss is recent as well... infact we may have been in 2nd tri together my little boy was born on 13th oct at 25+4 and died after 2hrs 13mins.... its the hardest thing in the world, ive also lost a little girl Ella at 24+3 she died after 5hrs 8mins... and then theirs my harry born sleeping at 22wks after falling asleep in my 21st week...

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as its early days for you as it is me... the rollor coaster of grief after losing a child is the worst we will ever experince i thought this time round I'd be prepared for it, but im not its just the same pain. its horrible i hate it, i hate the way it controls me i have no control. keep going. Floaty Kisses to your beauiful little boy xxx