Hello everyone! I was looking around the net last night, hoping to find a little support for my situation right now, as I feel completely lost. I found this site First I'd like to say thank you to all of you brave enough to share your story. Hearing that I'm not alone in this nightmare is more reassuring than I can put into words...

Ok. Here goes... I am a 34 year old single mother of 3 beautiful children. My first baby was born a month after I turned 17. I was a single mother to him for 9 years before I met my husband and had two more babies, 19 months apart. A year after we were married, I walked in on him and his best friend. His MALE best friend. We were divorced a year later.

He has not been the best father, however he has never abandoned his children and his parents have taken a very active role in my children's lives. I did not want any more children. I finally started dating again two years ago. I fell madly and deeply in love with this man. He was soooo handsome and charming, had his own house and two cars and seemed to have his life together. Then one day about 10 months later, completely out of the blue to me, he announced that he had been seeing a 19 year old and he was breaking up with me. I can't explain the heart break and rejection I felt. I felt used and thrown away like yesterdays garbage.

I was also in a dire financial situation at the time, so I took a job at an escort agency for a few months. At least if I was going to be used for sex, they were going to pay through the nose and I wouldn't be getting hurt. I made $30,000 in that 3 months. And then that same guy came crawling back one day, telling me how much of a mistake he made, how much he missed me and wanted me back. I still loved him sooo much, and against the advice of my best friends, I quit that job and took him back. Everything was great for months, until one day he found an old ad I had. He confronted me, calling me every name in the book, telling me how he could never trust me again. But he "loved" me, and wanted to still try.

It only got worse. The relationship became abusive, filled with constant accusations of me "working", even though I spent every waking moment with him. He choked me, called me names, went through my phone, my purse, every drawer in my house, even read my diary at one point and confronted me about what was in there as well. I had never cheated on him, and I so hoped that eventually he would see that and things would go back to normal.

One night we had a terrible fight while my 7 and 5 year olds slept in the bedroom next door. That's my number one rule, NEVER fight when the children are home, sleeping or not. So I tried to pack up my stuff and wake my kids up to take them home. He grabbed me around the neck and threw me on the bed, telling me I wasn't going anywhere that night. I did not want my children to see this so I gave in and tried to just go to sleep until morning when I could sneak out while he slept. He didn't let me sleep. Instead he reached over for the condom and demanded sex. I could have screamed and yelled rape, however it would have been my children who woke up to those screams, so I just lay there and endured it. The next morning I left.

3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was so mad. I had been so careful, used protection EVERY time! How did this happen?? I showed up at his house with a box of pregnancy tests to prove I was pregnant and question him as to how this happened, and he admitted to not using the condom that night we had the fight. He said he didn't want me to leave him, and he didn't want me to go back to work and he knew I was against abortion. I was tricked. Then he started with the whole "I love you so much baby, we can make this work." Don't ask me why, but I gave him one more chance.

2 weeks ago he changed his mind again. He decided he wanted me to get an abortion and that we should break up. No matter what mean things he said to me, I could not/ would not have the big "A". So how did he handle it?? He sent me his mother's phone number and told me to contact her if I needed anything from him, and he changed his number.

So here I am, pregnant at 34 with baby number 4. I had my first baby alone at 17, and 17 years later I am having my last baby, alone. I'm terrified, maybe even more than I was when I was a teenage mom. I feel so tricked and used and hurt that I don't know how to handle all these emotions. I feel so alone. Its killing me to know that I am single and alone and he is carrying on with his life, dating, going out, being free of all responsibility. When I refused the "A" he threatened to try to take me to court to take this baby away from me. Even if he tried I'm sure he'd never be successful, however the worry and confusion and absolute heart break I feel on a daily basis is overwhelming. All I can think is "how on earth did I let myself get tricked like this? Can I really do this, all by myself, again?"

I'm so lost. I surfed the net last night hoping to find stories of others who've been through this and maybe find strength and comfort in their story and that is how I found this site. I'm sorry for the long winded letter, I just feel like I am so stuffed with emotions that I'm going to pop. I cry every day. I don't know how I am going to make it through this entire pregnancy, as I am 10 weeks along today...

You need to get the hell away from that man forever honey. Seriously. I am so sorry you had to go through that you and your kids will be SO much happier now, you really will.

He is obviously a complete psychopath. i mean, demanding you have an abortion and when you refuse, threatening to take you to court for custody??? Whoa. This guy needs some serious help.

Do you have a sure start childrens centre in your area? i really think it would help you to be able to have somewhere to go to get the support you so obviously need right now. I hope things get better for you soon

Thank you for the kind words. I keep hoping I will feel better now that he's gone. But I don't. I feel worse. I feel so tricked, so lost. He's living his life, dating, sleeping around, partying, and here I am, getting fatter and lonelier by the day.... I don't know of any groups like that here in Calgary, however I'm sure they exist. I guess I'd feel kinda silly going there, with this being my fourth pregnancy...

You shouldn't feel silly going hun But you do need to cut all contact and stay away from him. You and your kids will be so much better off without him around!

Oh hell hun. Thats awful! My ex partner was violent to me hence why I am now a single mummy. No person should EVER have to put up with what you had to. He sounds like a complete t**t! Don't feel silly about going just cos it's your 4th pregnancy! Those centres are there to provide support and advice for any parent. Regardless of what number baby it is. I go to a local Sure Start centre and there are all sorts of people who go. If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me. I may not be in your exact situation but I know what its like to be on the receiving end of controlling and violent people. Hugs hunny xx

this man..well boy, assaulted and raped you whilst your kids slept next door
count your self lucky and PLEASE stay away from him and his mother.
unless u want to end up dead

You can speak to the Calgary Victim Assistance Unit at 403-206-8321 or 403-206-8322, they will have a good listing of all resources and support groups for women that have been through abusive situations and have children.

I agree, you need to stay away form him for the sake of your family. Cut all ties, move if you can. maybe its what you need, new house / area / job / start. This man is evil, x

Thank you to everyone who responded. Just to reassure every one, I AM staying away from him. Far, far, away. I flew across the country to visit my best friend for a week and do some soul searching. The hard part is NOT staying away from him, the hard part is understanding HOW I could be still in love with him? It sounds insane, I know! I am a very strong girl, I have lived through more pain in my 34 years than most people live in ten lifetimes, and I KNOW better!! Yet.... I miss him. Go figure

I think the part I am having the hardest time with, is that I promised myself 17 years ago when my son was born that I would never let myself get pregnant by a deadbeat ever, ever again. I never wanted to go through another pregnancy all alone. I have a condition called Gestational Diabetes, pregnancy takes a lot of determination and self control.

Trust me ladies, I don't want him back. I'm more worried now about how I will be able to deal with him when the baby is born! I feel like he used me as a baby factory, and when the baby gets here, he gets what he wanted.... a child. And there is nothing I can do about it....

I know the hormones of pregnancy make me feel worse and they will pass, however every day I cry angry, hurt, tears. I try to focus on the beautiful little baby that will soon be here, but that just makes me cry harder! I know first hand how much pain my son went through when his dead beat father stood him up over and over and over again all through his life and I never wanted to watch another child go through that pain. Yet now I have no choice...

I have taken your advice however, and I have searched out a few pregnancy groups in my area. Wether or not I go is another story, because I feel like I am too old, been through too much, and should know better!! I have never been in an abusive relationship like that one before, and I guess I never realized the shame and humiliation that go with admitting to the world that I let someone treat me that way... and worse yet, that somehow, I still love him.

It helps so much to read all of the posts on here. I know I'm not the ONLY one in this situation, and reading about all of your victories gives me hope that I WILL make it through this, everyone WILL be ok. If only there was a way to erase all these mixed up emotions in the mean time....

BTW, someone mentioned sending a pm... however I cannot find a private message box on here anywhere! lol.

I agree with everyone else, stay away from him, you deserve so much more and so do your littles ones, And try not to worry, youve done it once before, so i have no doubt that you can do it again

Oh and if you click on a persons user name, it will say send a private message