Money vs Contact can't decide - Page 2

MissEfendi · Feb 4th, 2010, 08:41 AM

In my case my ex is Jewish so he makes money a big issue about everything, he is so tight and when he is sharing his money he keeps going on and on and he thinks paying money towards his son means he has complete control he said and I quote " I am paying, so I see him whenever I want" I dont think so and no he is not having control so he can skip the money and see his son, so least my son will know it has never been about money with me, it has always been about his ability to be a dad.

sleepinbeauty · Feb 4th, 2010, 13:12 PM

Regardless of if he's there or not, he has to pay. You didn't climb up on top of yourself and get pregnant, you know.

Linz88 · Feb 11th, 2010, 07:09 AM

omg my ex expects the same thing.. wel he wants me to get an abortion but because i wont he says he feels he has to stick around to make sure i raise the baby properly cause he doesnt trust me :S...i reli do think hez a bit mad.. neways he says he'll buy a few by clothes n giv me £50 a mnth.. that is £7.50 a week.. :s u cnt raise a baby on 7.50 a week :@

Lu28 · Feb 11th, 2010, 19:04 PM

I'm not a single mummy so don't want to but in but I have dealt with these kinds of cases down the line when children are a bit older. I've had a few cases where mum denied contact because dad didn't pay child support and the most common reaction of the children when they hear this is to resent mum. All children have the right to know both their parents and should be protected from issues like money.

Just another perspective as I've seen it backfire very badly for mums

purpledahlia · Feb 11th, 2010, 19:08 PM

Yeah i do see that valid point too. I dont want to stop him seeing her just because Ava will be hurt by that, but i also really dont want him too see her cos i know HE will hurt her and let her down.. so its kinda a loose loose situation. I guess we should do what we thinkgs best untill they can talk and decide themselves, then see where it goes. I do think he should pay if he wants to see her, he should def help. even if the money he helps with gets put into her acc. its something. even a small amount will add up and by the time shes 18 could probably buy a car.

Jetters · Feb 12th, 2010, 05:54 AM

Thanks Lu, that's exactly my dilemma, do I make the baby miss out on a potentially good daddy just because he wont pay up? It's MY resentment... and my anger. He gets all the good bits of parenting and still gets to have 2 holidays a year while I scrimp by on benefits :/ BUT will a child understand that? Probably not...

Lu28 · Feb 12th, 2010, 06:25 AM

That's the thing, kids don't understand mums' very understandable and justifiable resentment of absent fathers. I grew up in a one parent household and had so much of an easier time of it than some of my friends because neither parent would criticise the other in front of us, talk about money etc etc. As far as they were concerned, they were adult issues and not for us to be worried about. As we became much older (ie teenagers), we saw how difficult things were for mum and we made our own judgments about my dad and never held resentment toward mum.

Purpledahlia made a point about not being sure about contact because she's worried LO's father will let LO down - a totally valid issue about whether contact should take place but also very separate from the money element

purpledahlia · Feb 12th, 2010, 08:00 AM

yeah. Its very hard, And like any parent i guess we just have to take it as it appears and decide things when they crop up. We just have to do what we think it right at the time. Judge it as we see it at the time, some kids are way more sensitive than others, so they would be more hurt than some. i guess will just weigh it up when it comes to it. As it stands FOB hasnt outright even asked to come up, and said if i call CSA then he will demand a DNA test, because i wouldnt give him my bank details - when it suited him, i wanted it formally, even tho ill get less while im on benefits. so shes 8 weeks tomorrow and hes not even seen her.. i dont think ill have to worry to much about arguments about visitation for now!

Lu28 · Feb 12th, 2010, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by purpledahlia

yeah. Its very hard, And like any parent i guess we just have to take it as it appears and decide things when they crop up. We just have to do what we think it right at the time. Judge it as we see it at the time, some kids are way more sensitive than others, so they would be more hurt than some. i guess will just weigh it up when it comes to it. As it stands FOB hasnt outright even asked to come up, and said if i call CSA then he will demand a DNA test, because i wouldnt give him my bank details - when it suited him, i wanted it formally, even tho ill get less while im on benefits. so shes 8 weeks tomorrow and hes not even seen her.. i dont think ill have to worry to much about arguments about visitation for now!

Charming

purpledahlia · Feb 12th, 2010, 09:04 AM

They have no idea do they, missing out on so much.

Feb 4th, 2010, 08:41 AM	#11
MissEfendi Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: London Posts: 100	In my case my ex is Jewish so he makes money a big issue about everything, he is so tight and when he is sharing his money he keeps going on and on and he thinks paying money towards his son means he has complete control he said and I quote " I am paying, so I see him whenever I want" I dont think so and no he is not having control so he can skip the money and see his son, so least my son will know it has never been about money with me, it has always been about his ability to be a dad.

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Feb 4th, 2010, 13:12 PM	#12
sleepinbeauty Waiting To Try (WTT) BnB Addict Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: NY, USA Posts: 3,298	Regardless of if he's there or not, he has to pay. You didn't climb up on top of yourself and get pregnant, you know.

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Feb 11th, 2010, 07:09 AM	#13
Linz88 Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: West Brom\Bham, Uk Posts: 1,679	omg my ex expects the same thing.. wel he wants me to get an abortion but because i wont he says he feels he has to stick around to make sure i raise the baby properly cause he doesnt trust me :S...i reli do think hez a bit mad.. neways he says he'll buy a few by clothes n giv me £50 a mnth.. that is £7.50 a week.. :s u cnt raise a baby on 7.50 a week :@

Status: Offline

Feb 11th, 2010, 19:04 PM	#14
Lu28 Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 12,646	I'm not a single mummy so don't want to but in but I have dealt with these kinds of cases down the line when children are a bit older. I've had a few cases where mum denied contact because dad didn't pay child support and the most common reaction of the children when they hear this is to resent mum. All children have the right to know both their parents and should be protected from issues like money. Just another perspective as I've seen it backfire very badly for mums
	Bespoke silver fingerprint, handprint and footprint jewellery.
Status: Offline

Feb 11th, 2010, 19:08 PM	#15
purpledahlia Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 14,871	Yeah i do see that valid point too. I dont want to stop him seeing her just because Ava will be hurt by that, but i also really dont want him too see her cos i know HE will hurt her and let her down.. so its kinda a loose loose situation. I guess we should do what we thinkgs best untill they can talk and decide themselves, then see where it goes. I do think he should pay if he wants to see her, he should def help. even if the money he helps with gets put into her acc. its something. even a small amount will add up and by the time shes 18 could probably buy a car.

Status: Offline

Feb 12th, 2010, 05:54 AM	#16
Jetters Mum (Mom) BnB Addict Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: London Posts: 5,033	Thanks Lu, that's exactly my dilemma, do I make the baby miss out on a potentially good daddy just because he wont pay up? It's MY resentment... and my anger. He gets all the good bits of parenting and still gets to have 2 holidays a year while I scrimp by on benefits :/ BUT will a child understand that? Probably not...

Status: Offline

Feb 12th, 2010, 06:25 AM	#17
Lu28 Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 12,646	That's the thing, kids don't understand mums' very understandable and justifiable resentment of absent fathers. I grew up in a one parent household and had so much of an easier time of it than some of my friends because neither parent would criticise the other in front of us, talk about money etc etc. As far as they were concerned, they were adult issues and not for us to be worried about. As we became much older (ie teenagers), we saw how difficult things were for mum and we made our own judgments about my dad and never held resentment toward mum. Purpledahlia made a point about not being sure about contact because she's worried LO's father will let LO down - a totally valid issue about whether contact should take place but also very separate from the money element
	Bespoke silver fingerprint, handprint and footprint jewellery.
Status: Offline

Feb 12th, 2010, 08:00 AM	#18
purpledahlia Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 14,871	yeah. Its very hard, And like any parent i guess we just have to take it as it appears and decide things when they crop up. We just have to do what we think it right at the time. Judge it as we see it at the time, some kids are way more sensitive than others, so they would be more hurt than some. i guess will just weigh it up when it comes to it. As it stands FOB hasnt outright even asked to come up, and said if i call CSA then he will demand a DNA test, because i wouldnt give him my bank details - when it suited him, i wanted it formally, even tho ill get less while im on benefits. so shes 8 weeks tomorrow and hes not even seen her.. i dont think ill have to worry to much about arguments about visitation for now!

Status: Offline

Feb 12th, 2010, 09:04 AM	#20
purpledahlia Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 14,871	They have no idea do they, missing out on so much.

Status: Offline

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