sweetlullaby

Well....what can i say? I've got a busting headache and have never felt quite so stressed in all my life today! Warning this is gonna be long!

As most of you know from different posts i havnt heard from FOB in over 5 weeks. I got a text message from him this morning saying "Hey, hows u?" I didnt reply because i was busy and went out for lunch with a friend. When I got home I had another message saying the same thing and I replied saying "Hey, im fine, sorry I was busy earlier and couldnt reply".

I was texting my friend who'd dropped me back home after lunch at the same time and said to her "urg the asshole sent same message again jst replied. f*** this'll be fun. i cant stand the thought of him right now he hasnt been in touch for over 5 weeks! what kinna shitty dedication to a baby is that? i cud have had the baby weeks ago for all he would know! Sorry for ranting lol just pisses me right off!"

Well I don't know what happened ....but the message went to FOB instead of my friend Big oppsss!!! Earlier i panicked...now i can kinna see the funny side to it....yup ive lost my marbles!!

I got a message back saying "So is that how you feel? You sent a text to me and not whoever you were texting. And I'm only text you to talk about what day's will i see my kid if its my baby....So or will i just go see a solicitor then"

My reply was " Is that how i feel? No its not how i feel, you wouldnt want to hear how i feel. U claim you want to do the right thing and yet your hardly in touch! I havnt heard from you in over 5 weeks, and im angry of course because i could have had the baby already. How the hell am i suppossed to know what kind of father your gonna be when you havnt been around or shown any kind of responsibility or commitment! And you can quit it with the snide "if the babys even mine remarks" Im sorry that you got that message but at least now you know that im not one bit happy with how you've acted. You can threaten with a solicitor if you want, but il remind you that I have never once said that i would stop you being a part of this babys life. "

Then got "well you it same to be like that when you didn't let me see the scan or even the pic of it. And that hurt me so much. And you have text me ever i have to text you. When i do. So tell me how you feel i can't read minds. And i do want to be a part of the baby's life i cant stop thinking about it."

I replied saying "I gave you my reasons for not letting you in with me for the scan before(20 week one) You never once said you felt that way. I had the scan pictures in my hand when i came out and you ignored me and wouldnt even speak to me. You could have asked to see them. You then demanded a DNA test after in text message and said that you wernt gonna be in touch until the baby was born. You didnt contact me for over two months and then text me acting as if everything was fine, u hadnt beeen involved or anything. What was i suppossed to think? You havnt given me any inkling or signs that you care about this baby at all.

He then said "well i do care and i hope it is my baby. And i ask for a dna test. And i was pissed off on the day of the scan because you didnt give me a reason. You just told me that you (had your reasons)

I replied saying that "You know fine rightly that i told you all of my reasons in your car one night weeks before the scan and before i went on holiday and again when i came back. That i only wanted my mum to come in with me as it was an anomally scan and i was petrified (i hadnt felt baby kicking, didnt have any signs of a bump, and a close friend had her scan a few weeks before me to find out her LO hadnt developed properly and had died ) I repeated these reasons to you numerous times and you led me to believe that you were ok with it!! And please stp insulting me with the dna test stuff. who else would the dad be? do you really think i would have told you i was pregnant and you were the father if there was even the slightest chance that it could be someone else? You can have a dna test by all means but to me your denying the fact that you are the father until you have proof."

He then said "well i just want to make sure that its my baby. and i can tell you i do care about the baby and i want to be a part of its life"

I said "Thats fine, though how can you say you care about a baby that your not even entirely sure your the father of. Im not trying to cause an argument with you but i am curious."

To which he said " I know your not and im not too. I beleave 95% in my hart that it my baby but i just want to make sure and get that silly 5% out of my head"

I said "ok thats fair enough" Though i still dont really understand how you can care when you arnt 100% sure that your the dad. As far as access goes thats something that will take time 2 sort once the baby is born. Those decisions cant be made now, As i dont know what kind of routine im going to have with the baby in regards to when they start going to sleep at the same time at night and feeding routines etc that will take time to work out"

He then said "that is fair i understand that. I care becuase its me i even still care about you its just the way i am i cant help that"

To which i replied "Ok fair enough. right i gotta go here and get ready to go out. il talk to ya later."

Sorry its so long and if you read it all....thank you and im sure your thinking flip that was long!!

My heads still busting over it all ....but i hope some of you's will reply and tell me what you think? and please tell me.....did i handle it ok? I know i was really angry and i was soo scared of losing my temper completely but i was trying to be honest and also be mature about it all. I dont want a full scale war with courts etc and i want him to be involved for the sake of this LO. But im kinna glad in a way that it all came out etc

What do you ladies think?? And apologies again for the length of it

P.s i hope it makes some kind of sense!! xx

louise85

Hey hun,

I think you handled that very well,you didn't lose your temper so well done you!!

Maybe sending that message to him has made him realise what a tw*t he's been and given him the kick up the arse he needs, f'x!!

Why do they think they can not get in contact, and then just jump in when they feel like it??!!

What do you think will happen now?? Will you leave him to contact you again? He should make more effort now.....let's wait and see!!

sweetlullaby

I really hope it does make him realise what a twat he's been. i know this sounds crazy but earlier i felt like crying and just wanted it all to go away....now im really glad i actually sent it to him because now he knows and its kinna cleared the air a little bit type thing. And i can see the funny side of it its so like me to do something like that sending a message to the wrong person lol and later laugh about it!

I just hope he realises that he wont be able to just walk in and out of this LO's life the way he has throughout this pregnancy! Because I wont stand for it and i wont have him walk all over me and this baby. Im determined now to stand my ground and do this my way. I know they just dissapear for ages and then act as if everythings ok again ...found out he wasnt even in the country last week wonder what would have happened if id contacted him saying i was in labour or that LO was born

Not entirely sure what he will do whether he'll make more of an effort or not or contact me...but ive decided i will give him a few days and if he doesnt contact me il contact him and say that he still isnt giving the impression he cares and that he has to stay in touch more if he wants to be involved or something. Guess its just gonna be wait and see!

So glad i didnt lose my temper though lol Thanks for plodding your way through it i cant seem to make a thread short and sweet xx

surprisebaby

I think it sounds like he cares about the baby and actually you. I suppose because the baby isn't born yet he doesn't feel his role as father needs to happen yet. He seems really interested. i don't know. Thats just how it appears to me, cos he says he thinks about it all the time. I think you handled it ok. i suppose it would be good if can be friends and not have to deal with solicitors etc. xx

sweetlullaby

Thanks surprisebaby, i dont know what to think and he gives really mixed messages and says things but doesnt act upon them. But im keeping an open mind. Im willing to be civil and let him be involved in babys life and i would rather not go through courts and/ or solicitors. But i guess when he says he wants a dna test done he means one done through csa or soemthing i dunno ....do i contact them and give them his details and then he says he wants a dna test and gets it done or does he contact them himself? Does anyone know this? I;e never really thought about CSA coz im not bothered about whether i get any money off him or not... urg confusing! lol

louise85

You'll have to contact CSA after LO's born and they'll ask you for details of him and whatever. Then they'll get in touch with him and he'll either accept he's the dad or not. If he says he's not they'll make him do DNA if he refuses that they will just presume that he is the dad regardless.

Hopefully he'll be there from now on, I'm still waiting for mine to sort himself out, don't even know what he wants, won't speak to me aaaarrrrggghhh!!!

sweetlullaby

Yeah I dunno whats gonna happen with FOB. They're so confusing!! I've went through nearly the whole of my pregnancy with not knowing what FOB wants and with him either not speaking to me or barely speaking to me! I hope your's comes round xx

suzanne108

OMG sweetlullaby you're situation sounds IDENTICAL to mine!!!! I think we might have the same FOB

Only thing that differs is mine hasn't mentioned DNA tests (yet!)

Mine wasn't interested in my scan either, didn't want a pic and when I emailed him a copy he didn't reply or anythin. Then I didn't hear from him for about 5ish weeks.....then when I did hear from him it was like nothing had happened and he "wants to be involved in babys life". Sound familiar???!!!!

You sound like you handled things really well, I know how hard it can be to keep your cool but you kept calm and got your point across nicely. Silly you for sending him the first text but maybe it'll turn out to be a good thing. Might have made him think (do men think, I'm not sure??!)

One thing I will warn you of.....I complained to my FOB that he never contacted me or asked how the pregnancy was going and now I get texts off him everyday saying the same thing "how are you and bump?" and it pisses me off!!!!! I want to go back to this hearing from him every 5 weeks deal hehe....cannot handle someone I hate contacting me every single day. BUT.....suppose I better get used to it!!

Hopefully he'll come round, like you say its better for LO to have him in their life, as much as I hate the fact that I am tied to him FOREVER - ARRRGGGHHHH!!

(I'm not very good at these short posts either )

xxx

sweetlullaby

I know i completly panicked when i realised i sent the first text message to him instead....but seeing it as a good thing now because it got things out in the open and he now knows how i feel!

The DNA test thing is really annoying me because i still dont understand how he can say he cares about a baby when he isnt even sure its HIS baby! Also kind of annoying me because i find it insulting! We've known each other for 7 years nearly....and feel like he's deliberatly annoying me with it! But sure what can ya do? I know 100% he's the father ...its either him or a modern christmas story (Mary and Joseph and Jesus)

Thanks I was so worried i would flip completly and lose my temper Dunno if its made him think.....his msn changed to "ive been awake for 38 hours now :S" ......dunno if its his conscious pricking and he's realising what a twat he's been and been thinking about it all or if he's just trying to pull sympathy with his mates(you know soothe his battered ego type thing ) or trying to make me feel bad knowing id see it.

I just wish that his actions would speak as loud as his words type thing...he says he cares/thinks about the baby all the time/still cares about me etc ....yet has done absolutely zilch in regards to showing that he does care!

Havnt heard from him since this....gonna give it a few days or so and then might send him a text saying that he's still not giving any impression of actually caring as he hasnt been in touch! Giving him another chance type thing....but to me its ALL talk.

Yeah I know its better having them in LO's lives...as much as they have annoyed us etc. Still annoying that after all they put us through they think its acceptable and ok to be pricks!

Our situations are scarily similar xx