I have been writing under miscarriage support section but needed to write under this section as well.
In July 2009 I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation, thought I was 10-11 weeks. Nothing felt right from the start. I had an early scan at private clinic at 8 weeks, as due to my age of 38, i was worried. The scan showed a heartbeat. 1 week later I had an early scan at hospital due to gestational diabetes, the scan showed a heartbeat, but the measurements they gave didnt tie in with the measurements from the week before. I mentioned it to the hospital and said i didnt think it had grown, they said the dates could be different and not to worry .Also I had no pregnancy symptons so was starting to feel uneasy.
Not long after this i got up one morning to find blood - we went to A & E - they asked me questions have you any pain? what is blood like etc, but wouldnt scan me.
I couldnt wait I needed to know so we went to private clinic on the same day and the scan showed no heartbeat.
We had the D & C the same day.
I knew something was wrong from the start, I had also had a nightmare one night and in my dream i was losing my baby and there was loads of blood in the toilet
In the september i became pregnant again. This time I had symptons, but at 7 weeks started bleeding. i went to hospital for early scan and it showed heartbeat and a blood clot in my womb. the hospital told me i would bleed again.
A few days later I started to bleed, like someone had turned, but at the same time dreamt i was walking to school to pick up the other 2, with a little baby boy in a pram.
i had to wait over a week for another scan, and everything was fine.
In May 2010 i had a healthy baby boy.
Last october, at the age of 40 i found i was pregnant again.I had 2 very disturbing dreams in which there was blood in the toilet. this really scared me, but on 8th December 2011 i had a nuchal scan at 13 weeks, all was good and i was told i had a very healthy baby and pregnancy.
Such a refleif. A week or so later we started to share our news and told our 10 & 7 year olds the good news.
On Mon 9th Jan , at 17 weeks and 3 days, i went to hospital for a routine check, on my own, they couldnt find heartbeat. The scan confirmed baby had died at 14 weeks. i had to call my hubby with the news.
he came immediately to the hospital, I was in bits.
next day we had to go back for me to take a tablet to reverse the pregnancy process.
On thurs 12th jan, we were back at the hospital by 7.00am as i had started bleeding.
They inserted a table inside me at 7.40am. At approx 8.40am my little angel was born, without any pain.
Our little angel was prefectly formed, the hospital staff were so good, they put our little one in a tiny moses basket with a blanket and brought baby for us to hold.
Later in the day my husband went home to see the other kids, I had my baby back and sat talking and holding its tiny, but perfectly formed little hand.
I told my little one how much we loved it and would never forget, I kissed it on the head and said goodbye.
We decided not to have a post mortem as it didnt seem right to have such a tiny being poked and prodded. we also decided not to find out whether a boy or a girl, but probably too small to find out anyway.
We have a cremation on monday, just myself and husband to attend and the hospital chaplain, who is going to mention our other little one as well.
The chaplain will be meeting us again Tuesday morning to bury our little angel`s ashes in the babies memorial garden at the hospital.
I am totally empty and devasted at our loss and can not understand why this has happened.
i dont feel like i will ever get over this.
We are having the following poem read at the service, it makes me cry every time i read it, but is beautiful
An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.



Status: Online

I am so sorry for your loss and your story sounds so much like mine.

I know how devastating this is, but I promise things do get better, it takes some time.
I have 3 boys 20 ,17 and 11 and at 40 I got pregnant by total accident, my husband didn't want anymore. When i found out I was overjoyed after about 2 months my husband came around and we were excited, he was just worried that I was 40 and he was 39. I told him a lot of people have babies even older than us.

Everything was fine all my scans , my NT was good but my bloods showed 1 in 100 for DS, I was not worried cause my doc said everything all your tests are fine, you got those numbers cause of your age.
Well at 20 weeks I went for the Amnio and before they do the Amnio they do a sonogram as soon as she put the little thing on my belly all the lights started going crazy she ran out of the room the lady doing the sonogram I was with my best friend and she ran after her yelling what is going on, I still didn't realize Ava was gone. I look back now and think why didn't I realize she was gone? The doctor came in and tried 2 more times and said I am sorry but she is gone there is no heartbeat. I was hysterical and that was the first time I knew this baby was a girl. I wanted a girl so much but gave up years ago and now i am pregnant by accident and with my dream of a daughter. I wanted to give her all i didn't have, i never had a relationship with my mother, so i desperately wanted that bond with this precious baby. They set me up for a D&E they put the sticks up you to open your cervix and get the baby, at the time I didn't know what a D&E was I was supposed to go to the hospital the next morning for the D&E , when i went home and found out what a D&E was i refused to go to the hospital and I went into labor and had Ava in my bathroom. I didn't care how Ava came into this world as long as she was in one piece, I choose how I wanted her to be born not doctors. I didn't realize I could have bled to death and had a lot of complications, my doctor was livid with me for not getting the D&E and doing it on my own, I didn't care at the time though .
We went to the hospital and we held Ava for awhile and they released me after 3 hours, they did a sonogram and nothing was left. I had a 2 hour labor and she was out, which I knew would be fast.
We buried her on 3/11/2011 and I go to see her all the time. I miss her more than I can express to any one person/
I had a really bad 9 months and only now over 10 months later am I better and stronger and ready to try again.
It has taken me so long to get though this, never over it just through it.
There will come a time when you will let go and live again ,when your body soul and mind will accept thins, I promise you will also get to that point.
I can't tell you how many nights I cried for hours or how many times I cried for days. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman, I can now though.

I promise one day when you think of your angel it will be with a smile and not a tear..
XOXOOX If you ever need to talk or vent i am here, always.. Andrea

Oh hun I am so sorry I lost my daughter at 17 weeks as well and had to tell our 3 other children. They didnt take it well and my 4 yr old blamed me. That was tough. I am glad you ventured over here to our group for support as this bunch of ladies is amazing

*That poem was read at my daughters ceremony, I love it *

Thank you Andrea, It is good to talk to someone who knows exactly how i am feeling, your words have made my cry again.
I am glad to hear you are getting better. I know time is a great healer, but at the moment I feel a great big hole has been left inside me.
I desperately want to try again. Although my little one was not planned either, the maternal emotions and longing for another baby have kicked in.
My husband says it is too soon to discuss,but I know he doesn`t want another. i am heartbroken. If only he could swap bodies with me for just 1 minute he would experience the feelings I have and would change his mind. I am 41 in august and he will be 43, it worries me that time is running out.
Thanks for being there for me. I am here for you too if you need to talk.
Love and hugs, Lisa xxx

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope if your and your husband feel up to it you will try again

Someone said to me a few weeks ago "when god closes a door on you he will always open a window". I love it

That was the first time I read that Poem, it broke my heart but everything in it is so true. Thanks for posting it.

Amanda

Its a beautiful poem hun and the perfect way to remember your little one.

so sorry for your loss hun and your earlier loss!! i can only say we are all here to support you in whatever you need and the ladies here are wonderful!!!

thinking of you and your little angel xxxxx

Thank you all for your kind words, its good to know there are people there when we want to talk. Sometimes its easier o talk to someone like this thanface to face.
love and best wishes to all of you. xxxx

Hi there, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I know it probably feels like your whole world has crashed down around you, but it will get easier with time

That is a beautiful poem What you have been through is utterly devestating for anyone and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I lost my LO at 16 weeks and delivered and held him just like you. I'm pregnant again and I have dreams too where I imagine the worst will happen. Sounds like you didn't get a reason either, sometimes thats worse than not knowing! I send you my thoughts and well wishes, good luck for next week, be strong for your angel xxxx