hey girls... just need a little rant i think! hormones are getting the better of me!!!!

im an emotional wreck here. i keep thinking i should be the happiest person on earth but i cant relax at all. im 18 weeks now and everything is worrying me, so much that im not even enjoying it! i feel so bad because i know alot of you ladies would give your right arms to have your rainbow babies now! i just cant shake the feeling something is wrong.....
i still havent felt proper movement or kicks.
my bump isnt very hard
im not eating loads and loads just a little more than usual.
when i mention anything to my doctor they just tell me to relax and take a few deep breaths and that whatever the outcome i cant control it anyway. i know this and i know i have to relax and have faith.
i still have 4 weeks to go to my 20 week scan, so ill actually be 22 weeks...its the same as i was when i lost Lily and the scan is on her anniversarie. im freaking out!!!!i called and asked if they could fit me in earlier but they cant!

my friends are great but ive been feeling more and more distant from them. they love going out having drinks and even though i go i end up alone because they're all at the bar doing shots or out dancing which i would love to be able for but im just too uncomfortable. ive asked them for cinema nights and girls nights in but they dont seem interested. i cant really talk with them about things either i mean they dont understand and its hard for them to advise!

my OH is away this weekend so im prob extra sensitive

im sorry girls just having a bad day and your the only ones who understand. i wish i lived closer to some of you!! hope everyone is well xxxx

I'm sure within the next 5 months we will be at home holding our rainbows I know exactly how you feel and I have to stop myself from going on one coz it really makes me unhappy. Of course it's only natural for us to worry so much!

The way to look at it this: really, how cruel can mother nature be? Did you get a reason for your loss? We didn't so the likelyhood of it happening again are very slim. Keep ya chin up babes! xxx

thanks hun..i look like a crazy person atm sitting in bed talking some sense into myself! your right mother nature couldnt be that cruel lol!!
hope your feeling ok hun and thanks for the reply. i couldnt do this without you ladies!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

JO, you will be ok i promise. I can't say I know how you feel, but I do know I am going to feel the same if I ever get my BFP. You are not alone and I wish I could run next door and be with you, but I am here in New York. Trust me if I was your neighbor you would be laughing and saying Andrea your a little COO COO

Friends will never understand your pain or fear they can sympathize but never understand. Only people that have went through this truly know how you feel.
Try to relax, i just know everything will be ok .One day when i get my BFP you will probably be posting to me and trying to ease my mind Just know i am here anytime, try to take a deep breath and think good thoughts, I promise you will be ok..
XOXOXO Love you XOXOXO

maybe its faith that your scan is on lily's anniversary. she will be minding her new bro/sis and making sure they are ok and that you can relax and be happy!

hope all goes well but try not to stress to much as that isnt good either!
pls keep us updated!
love Karen!
xxxxx

Aw jojo, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe your little one will give you a nice little flutter soon to put your mind at ease. Is there no way you can convince your midwife to try listening for the heartbeat just to put your mind at rest until your scan? I know in my area they don't tend to even attempt finding the heartbeat until after 20 weeks as it can be really hard to find consistently before that and they don't want to worry people if they can't find it. But surely they must understand how it feels for angel-mums when they are carrying their rainbow and would be willing to bend the rules a little just to keep us from getting too anxious. Or you could just keep ringing up to see if there are any scan cancellation appointments. If you ring often enough they might cave under the pressure and offer you something just to stop bothering them!

Take it easy and try not to worry too much. I recommend a pyjama day, some good romantic comedies on dvd and a tub of icecream. Wish I could pop round and give you a hug too

LOL thanks hun im heading out for dinner with my best friend tonight so im gonna get nice and dolled up and feel good! i have given them my number so she said if there is a cancellation she'll call me straight away. midwife just said the same about not listening on the doppler until after 20 weeks i guess she doesnt want to give me a fright just in case!!! but i am starting to feel better i think i just had a wobbly lol thanks so much xxxxxx

Aww hun, i'm sorry your feeling this way. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I think it's fate that your scan is on Lily's bday. She will be looking after her little brother or sister. Have you asked your gp to use the Doppler on you? My gp checked for jakob's at 15 weeks and got it no problem but they usually don't do it before 16 weeks.
It's a Shame your friends aren't interested in doing other things with you- it would be good for you & I can imagine that being stuck in a pub watching drunk people is the last thing you want to be doing.
I hope you feel better soon. I'm here for you if you need me. Xxx

thanks Tanya!! i think its the loneliness thats making me feel like this cause if i was doing things i wouldnt have time to sit around thinking something is wrong and making google my best friend!! i love having you all here and your the best support ever but i think sometimes i just need a lil cuddle lol at 25 im such a baby!!!

i have asked the doctor but they're being a little funny about it all they dont want to check and i dont want to push too much. i think they reckon im just being a little funny.

i think ill just have faith that Lily is gonna watch over this lil one and help me along.... i never felt kicks or movement with Lily as there was obviously a problem and also i had an anterior placenta so it cushioned things anyway! i just wish i was being kicked asunder lol! at least then i would know everything is ok. im definitely just having a bad day hun but thanks so much for your amazing support. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

LOL thanks andrea love you too hun!!!! these hormones have me gone crazy! im so grateful for all your support xxxxxxxxxxx