*Warning...drunken post*
Well...its now after 8pm here and i've been drinking beer since midday in an attempt to numb this uncontrollable pain, hurt, anger and sadness but its done fuck all.
Considering I felt prepared for a BFN, I feel absolutely gutted, ripped off, cheated and like this whole world and the universal balance is completely fucked.
I feel so angry for myself for EVER thinking I had a chance in hell. Why did I have to be so gullable to think that this would ever work? Right now I honestly feel like I will never be pregnant or have a baby. Yet I will continue to torture myself with the 'possiblilities'.
I just fucking well want to know WHY? Why us? We love each other so much, we have been through so much in the past almost 7 years we have been together, we work hard, we're good people, why is this happening to us? Why, when scum of the earth fall pregnant and have babies everyday? Women in 3 world countries who can't even look after the children they have, continue to easily have more. Why can crack whores and abusers have children and we can't?
Why doesn't a baby want to be in our lives? If this whole 'universal works' things actually does exist...why does a baby seem to avoid being apart of us?
I feel these things on a daily basis but thanks to the 7 or more beers i've had its only coming out just now.
How do I know how much I can take? When do I give in? And if so, what then? I know its only early days IVF wise as I know of women up to over 20 cycles in, but how much more can I really take? How much more stress and strain can our relationship survive? How much more must we sacrifice for something that may never be? We are in the process of selling all of our stock, we will still be in too much debt and may have to sell our farm. I've given up so much to be here, i've done my time, made my sacrifices and i've got nothing in return...why isn't it fair game?
I just really want to know these answers and knowing that I won't ever know is killing me.
I'm sorry for this mess of a rant that probably makes no sense whatsover, but i'm really losing it over here...
DH is home and i've cuddled and talked with him and while I do share so much of my feelings with him, and he is great, I just don't feel I have the right to burden him with the full load...what the hell is the point? He already feels to blame that we're here, I don't want him to feel worse. I know its not his fault but he doesn't see it that way.
I wonder if I should turn into a drug addict criminal...seems thats all you have to do to fall pregnant...
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