and more you are such a strong amazing woman.

I don't know what to say except repeat what's been said already. My first thought was "I'd carry a baby for you" and if you know how my pregnancy was you know I don't make that offer lightly.

Also, a second opinion might be a good thing. Maybe a specialist could help and see way through this that hasn't been thought of yet.

If you need to talk, vent, yell, cry.... know that I'm here for you. I just can't wait to meet face to face and give you a great big

What devastating news, Nic. I think you are handling it wonderfully. I'm so glad you and K have talked it out - and I know exactly what you mean about 'wondering when the storm will start'. My hubby also wanted to be very violent to a certain person in this world, and while I was with him and wanted to help him hurt this person who hurt me, I also wanted to be the 'bigger person' and just deal with it and move on.

Which is what we've done. I hope K can SOMEHOW understand your feelings on this. I also know the 3am conversations well - we've had many of them. I hope yours helped clear the air a bit. I know the weight can't possibly be off your shoulders yet, but with talk-talk-and-more-talk, you should be able to figure something out.

I agree with you on the adoption/surrogate thing - he is WAY too good of a person to not love a child that's not his own. Lakai was a miracle already - now he's even more of a miracle. But that does not mean another child isn't just as much of a miracle.

Every child - no matter how difficult or easy the pregnancy or birth was, no matter the fights they had to fight to survive - is a miracle.

I hope, when you're ready, that you can show your hubby that bringing another child into the family, even if it's not 'yours', can be just as amazing and rewarding as it was the first time.



Love you!

you are such a strong amazing person. I am so devastated for you because I know how much it would mean to you to carry a baby to full term it's awful that that has been taken from you this way

you are right though, it makes Lakai that much more amazing and special than he already was

Awe thank you Terri. You have NO idea how much that means to me. And Stiina.

EJet -

I am so sorry to hear that too many of the women I admire and consider friends on here have suffered things like this too. It's not something I would wish on anyone.

Knowing there are people like you all in this world makes up for the people like my ex and the people who hurt you ladies.

I makes me proud to know such caring goodness can come out of such pain. =)

You ladies rock!

I have just told my mom and she's pretty upset but not like I thought. She still doesn't "get it" and rightly so. She's never been there. And it's very hard for anyone to put themselves in my shoes or any abuse/rape survivors shoes unless they have been there. Why would you want to do it anyways?

She is a retired nurse, so clearly that came out in her and she wants me to get a second opinion.

She is heartbroken that Lakai suffered as much as he did because of my ex. I think she is most angry about that, as am I. I am not a violent person and frankly I don't care what happened to me, but to think of what Lakai went through makes my blood boil.

And the saddest part? My ex wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the thought of it.

Im going to share the cheesiest thing with you guys now, since Im in a sharing mood! But the reason I love pit bulls so much is because of what happened to me. I find strength and inspiration in them. I have seen the most horribly abused dogs, used for dog fighting and so on....turn around and love their abusers...or just people in general. I am in awe of how quickly they heal and stupid as it sounds I strive to be like that.

Clearly not loving my abuser, but being able to trust and love again even though its scary and painful sometimes.

Cheesy I know.

I am miffed about one thing...it's amazing to me how much some people think I should be a basketcase..my doctor and the specialist both tried to push antidepressants on me. And I kept saying I don't need them, Im not depressed. This has never depressed me. Wounded sure...but depressed no.

They just don't seem to get not everyone deals with things the same way, they kept saying "surely you are just suppressing things"...uh no! Im here talking about it...arent I?

I dunno..Im rambling.

Thank you Vickie. I can't lie it really hurts I will never have a big huge baby belly, or stretch marks. Or be so large I can't see my feet. But there are upsides to it too.

I guess all I can do is hope that another opinion might prove to give me some hope?

The first specialist consulted with his coworkers/doctors about my case, so there was other people with opinions involved. That does dimmer my hope a little. But who knows, right?

Oh Nic!

I knew Lakai was a miracle baby - I just didn't know how much of a miracle he really is! You are so strong! I am so sorry that so many things were taken from you by those men. I don't know how you feel - I can't really, but I can tell you that I am moved to tears at the thought of not just what happened to you then, but what you still are facing now. I wish I had something more useful to say.

I get this alot too. I haven't been through anywhere near as bad a time as you have, but a couple of miscarriages then our journey with Abby, as well as some quite dodgy stuff earlier in life and people look at me like I should be in a heap on the floor.

I'm just not built that way. Some of us aren't. You will deal with stuff the best way you know how and it seems to be working for you.

I loved the comment you made about this being the start of another journey. I always take this approach when life knocks me back. There is always a bright side. For example, if Abby hadn't come when she did, I wouldn't have had the experience of NNICU and SCBU. It wasn't the best time of my life but jeez, I learned a whole lot from it.

You sound like you're coping with this really quite well. It was just ghastly what happened to you and as they always say about this kind of abuse, it doesn't stop with one act, it can affect your whole life. But IMO, letting it get the better of you gives the abuser more of an influence on your life than they deserve.

I hope you find a solution in the end. Adoption sounds like something you'd like to do. I'm sure your OH will be open to discussion on it. If you're anything like me and mine, you won't have come through this without learning a thing or two about your relationship!

I would get a second opinion, I wouldn't want to wonder if maybe the first had been wrong you know?

Thank you! Im not built that way either, but that being said...I can certainly see how easy it would be to fall into depression over this. Depression and mental health issues (like addiction) run in my real mom's side..she has a lot of serious issues (recovering addict, abandonment issues..and the list goes on and on ). And I think this also makes people think I will tip over the edge into depression. And that's ok. I just don't like it when I am not heard.

I think my hubby is open to adoption. He is just too good of a person to not at least toy with the idea. I think he thinks he is less capable at certain things than he truly is. Loving an adopted child the same way is one of them.

All I know is this can't be the end of anything. Maybe the end of this chapter, but not the end of the story.

Amanda - Saying what you did was useful! Like I said before it's ok and very normal to not know what to say. If I was reading this and even though Ive been through it...I still would come up short on what the right thing to say would be.