CapitalChick

A question for first time mommies...and another for those who've already had kids...

First timers: Do you forsee your parents/in-laws respecting you as the parent of your baby? If not, what indication have they given you that they don't really see you as the authority over your child?


For existing mommies: If you had problems with an overbearing, controlling, meddling grandparent, how did you deal with it? What happened? Did things get better/worse?


My mother is driving me batty. I can already see that she does not care that I am the mother of my (soon to be born) baby. She insists that since I "made the decision to get married and leave town", she should basically get to do whatever she wants with my baby (hold it for however long she wants, bathe it, etc.) any time we go to visit my parents or when they come to visit up. And this includes the first two weeks of my baby's life...when my mother has insisted she'll be moving in with us to "help". I told her that I wanted to be the one to take care of my baby all the time when it was first born, and she scoweled and said "What's your problem...you'll get the baby all to yourself after the first couple weeks, so why can't you let me do stuff?"

How do I set boundaries? Keep in mind that I'm not the type to tell my mother to f-off. We try and maintain a relatively high level of respect for our parents in my family, so please refrain from telling me to cut myself off from my parents, or to tell my mother to shove it! I simply can't do either. It's cultural....
ACK!!

PitBullMommy

My Mom stayed with us for a week after Charlotte was born and I was worried, but turns out that I really needed her since I couldn't get out of bed. DH's family is AWFUL though. THey come and completely take over when they're here which drives me mad. Nothing I say will get them to quit and DH WON'T say anything. UGH. I hope things work out with your family better!

Beltane

I laid my boundries and guidelines down when my first child was born. I was only 20 at the time but I felt compelled to put my foot down from the start. At first, I was terrified to be confrontational but my mommy instinct overuled. It's perfectly okay if people get pissy and angry- let them feel their feelings. They will get over it. My response to any kind of disagreement was " This is my child- I respect your opinion but if I need help, I will surely ask.". Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. It's your child. I know it's hard to push other peoples feelings aside but you are not responsible for keeping other people happy. Good Luck =)

cupcake

its not an easy question, all i can say is try and communicate with her openly. Those first weeks are really really tough and you might even appreciate her being there even though she might be overbearing. after you have recovered from the birth and its just you and your husband you'll have to set certain boundaries and your mother will have to just get used to them, it might mean you have to really be patient in order not to be disrespectful, and since you live in another town u might have to just let her do her overbearing thing once in a while when shes there.
wish i had a better answer for you.
on the other hand at least you know that honoring your parents is a big commandment, with much reward

LuluBee

It's going to be tricky honey, I'm in a similar situation, my parents live just around the corner and I know that my Mum will be popping in all the time and inviting any of her visitors to do the same grrrrrrrrr. I also could never tell my parents to f - off, I'm just trying to see things from their point of view a bit and realise that it's also a very important and exciting time for them and to try and include them as much as possible on our terms before things get out of hand and they try and take over. Sorry this probably isn't much help

lolly101

This is a tricky one hun... You might find it handy your Mum is there to help at first. I am lucky with my Mum she lets me tell her what help I need. My Mil is fab but she has her moments- with our son when he was a baby he was crying and she pushed me out of the way to get to him!!!! I went mad!!! I just made sure in the next few weeks after that I was "busy" for a while!! this time she has already invited herself to the hosp and my SIL is taking the day off work too....I'm having a c section and I only want my Mum and hubby there....good luck hun... I hope you work it out...when she is at your house could you get her to help you with things like the washing and cooking??? She might surprise you when baby is here...on the other hand you might just find you want her to help with baby.it's very overwhelming when they are first here...even if you know what you are doing...could you ask her advice?? that way she thinks she is helping you with baby..you can then find your own way of doing things(does that make sense??)

FierceAngel

you know i woke up this morning thinking about the exact same thing!!!

although its not my pqarents or mil tht im worried about!

oh has an auntie who thinks she is the central controller of the family.. christmas birthdays etc all her way!

i woke up this morning thinking about the day i have the baby.. i really dont want people there other than oh, parents his parents and siblings..

going to need to be firm about my wishes.. just i know parents and sibluings will allow me and oh time alone which i thik is important were as i cant see this aunt butting out!

it actually stresses me out thinking about!

izzy29

I am worried about my MIL. She has been out loads helping round the house doing bits and pieces. My OH asked her if she could help out a bit to take some pressure off me. I am not totally comfortable with someone doing my housework and she was there a bit too much for my liking, overstepped some of the boundaries which really upset me like my privacy was being invaded, I wasnt even getting a chance to tidy up any off my own mess. I was thinking when the baby came it is going to be so bad that we might end up falling out cause I would have to say to her to back off. She is the nicest, kindest person but it is just too much. OH couldnt understand why I was getting so upset about her tidying for us even though I tried to explain how I felt. He said she would be great help when the baby came but I thought it would be even worse. I have told him I dont want anyone at the hosp when Ihave the baby until I give him the go ahead for his parents to vist when i see how I am, and I dont want them visiting allthe time if I am trying to feed the baby myself. I feel like such a b*tch sometimes but I hate people trying to organise me and take over when it is such an important part of my life

Stardancer

I would maybe say to her "it will be great having you stay with me so you can help with the housework and cooking etc while I see to the baby" If it's unavoidable, then you've got no choice, but try to make the most of her instead of resenting her being there. You may, as others have said - really appreciate the help, especially if you end up having a section or whatever. Hope it all goes ok

Sovereign

Wow, i'm really lucky both my mum and MIL have told me that anytime I want them they will be there to help but they won't push in. I hope you come up with a solution hun, sorry i've been no help!x