suzanne108

Some of you know my situation but to cut a long story short...I'd been with FOB just over a year before I got pregnant and he didn't want the baby so after much discussion and nastiness we split up. I am living with my mum and dad until after the baby is born...and FOB lives about 2.5-3 hours away.

He rang me on Thursday to say that he was in Blackpool (which is 45 mins from me) for the weekend with his family and did I want to go and meet them. I said no, that I didnt feel comfortable with it and that I wasn't well anyway (which is the truth - I'm supposed to be bedresting!). I'm not gonna deny him seeing the baby when its here but until then I just don't feel comfortable with it, I can't explain why but I know some of the other single mums to be feel the same.

This morning I woke up cos I heard my phone beep with a text, when I picked it up there was already a missed call and text from him. First text said "I've got you a present and am gonna drop it off at your house, is that OK?" then the second one said "I'm 20 mins away". So as I woke up to the second one I didnt really have much choice, I replied saying I'd only just woke up and he said "Its OK I'm only coming to the door, mum & others gonna be in the car waiting for me". I went downstairs and said to mum that FOB was on his way and told her what had happened. She was like "OMG I can't believe you're doing this to me" I told her that I wasn't doing anything and that I only found out myself 2 mins ago.

So he turns up and gives me this present. Mum comes to the door and was nice as pie with him which annoyed me, I don't expect her to be nasty to him or anything but this was the first time she'd seen him since he left her pregnant daughter!!! He stayed about 5 mins chatting at the door then went, he was on his way home.

I shut the door to him and mum came pointing her finger in my face and said "Don't do that to me again"....... what did I do???? Am I being stupid or did I not do anything wrong?

Mum said she felt like shit knowing that they were in the area and I didn't invite them round, that it was disgusting. His mum isn't exactly an innocent party and in fact I hate her more than I hate FOB for the part she played in our break up. She sent me nasty, bullying letters which my mum has read. And at the time she "hated" his mum. Now she wants me to invite them in for coffee and play happy families?

Mum wouldn't stop shouting at me that it was disgusting, that I was linked to that family for ever there was nothing I could do about it (doesn't she think that that thought crosses my mind every single day?) Then she started saying that she couldnt deal with all this, she hated it and she shouldn't be made to feel like shit.

I don't want my mum to feel like shit, but I personally don't think I've done anything wrong today to make her feel that way????? Please tell me if you think I have so that I can understand? If they have made her feel like shit then there isn't much I can do about it. I couldn't predict that he would turn up on my doorstep could I?

I now feel like she doesn't want me here and I've even convinced myself that she isn't gonna feel the same way about my child as she will about my sisters, because he's brought up in a happy family. I've been sat here thinking should I see if I can get a flat....but I'm hoping its just one of those things that blows over. I hate arguing and I've never ever argued with my mum before.

I feel she's been a bit unfair....she knows everything I've gone through with FOB, she knows I suffer with depression and anxiety, she knows I'm having a shitty time of it at the moment with high BP, heart palpitations, feeling so rundown its unreal. Is that me being selfish? Probably is.

I just can't stop crying

third time

No - you're in the right. Actually I don;t think there's anything to be right or wrong about - he made a decision and now he's got to stick to it. When your mum has seen the letters that his mum has sent I can't believe she'd want her in the house anyway, even more so FOB when he walked out on you!!!!

Boomerslady

Awww hunni

I don't really know what to say, but I def don't think you're wrong at all. You didn't know he was going to turn up like he did.

I think your mum might just be embarrased....I know if it were my mum she'd probably think the same (that she looked rude for not inviting them in) she'd think that they will now be slagging her off for not being hospitable.

But like I said, you didn't know he was coming....and from what you said about his Mum, why would you want her in your house??

Sorry I can't be if any more help, I'm rubbish with things like this.

Just please try and remember you did nothing wrong.

flower01

aww hun, firstly big hugs

sounds to me like she was angry cos FOB has just turned up out of the blue to give u a present after not wanting the baby and leaving you. Seems like she is doing the protective mummy thing and didnt appreciate him being able to turn after all hes done and you be nice and willing to to accept the present from him.

If i were in the same situation, i know my mum would be all nice as pie to fob's face and then hate on him still when hes not around. I think its a pride thing. Shes not wanting him to see how much wrong hes done and give him any sort of satisfaction of seeing her angry with him.
Does that make sense?

Maybe a better way of putting it is "Maintaining the moral Highground"
Its kind of showing him that actually you can do this by yourself and have a loving family around to support you.

Have a chat with your mum and just be honest and ask what it was that made her so angry, she can only tell you the truth and then you can compromise or sort out what the problem is so it doesnt happen again. Last thing you need is stress at home.

Without sounding rude and obviously not knowing the full situation, why is it you would let him see the baby whenever he wanted?! Surely him not wanting the baby forfeits his rights to suddenly change his mind whenever he feels?
I would of told him to f off myself, but then im not in that situation so i dont know for sure how you feel so forgive me if that was a rude comment.

Keep well hun

xxxxxxxxx

T-Bex

Nope - it wasn't your fault, so don't blame yourself even slightly. It was probably the shock and the whole 'done thing' issue, which seems to happen quite a lot. Not sure what to suggest.

Lets just hope it blows over, she realises how selfish her actions were, and everything gets better.

suzanne108

Thanks.

You're right Boomers my mum did feel bad that I knew they were in the area and wasn't hospitable. Although his mum has said some horrible things my mum just thinks "forgive and forget" as I'm attached to them forever I should be a bit more civil. I do feel that I'm civil, but why should I be overly nice?

I text FOB when he left saying that he needs to give me more warning if he's gonna do something like that again. That I know it wasn't his intention but it had caused a big argument. He actually said that he told his mum to wait in the car as he wanted to see me on his own!! But I'm not telling my mum that now cos it'll just start the argument again probably.

Flower - maybe I worded it wrong, I'm not gonna let him see LO whenever he wants to BUT I will let him see LO on my terms. Probably once every other weekend since he isn't local...as much as he was an idiot he has seemed to come round over the last few weeks and he is making an effort. Maybe I'm being naive but....I dunno.

xx

QTPie

Oh BIG hugs

NONE of this is your fault...

Could your Mum be premenstral or something? Sounds like she went completely over the top and was being very unreasonable to me

Nobody can undo what is in the past (even if you wanted to) and you are in the position that you are in. None of this (having the baby, your ex calling around unexpectedly) is to spite her.

Just keep out of her way and leave her to it: sounds like she has her knickers in a twist about something and there is little that you can do or say to make things better (at least now...). If she is anything like my mother, then "sorry" isn't in her dictionary either...

My guess is she will calm down and things will return to normal. You might want to talk to her about it in a few days, but depends on you, on her and whether you think it is productive (or just "dredging things up again" ).

I have NO DOUBT that she will love your little one just as much as her other grandchild

In the mean time, go out for a walk and some fresh air or something - change of scenery and clear your head

Families are just plain odd sometimes.
QT

suzanne108

Thanks, I'm reading the replies in tears because you are all so nice.



I wish I could buy you all a present!!!!

I know my mum can totally get things wrong sometimes...in fact she had an row with my dad a couple of weeks ago about carpets of all things....and I thought to myself that I didn't know how he was keeping so calm cos she was being silly.

I'm making her sound bad, she doesn't argue all the time!! She can get in a bad mood sometimes and take it out on people around her...like the carpet argument, she'd come home from work in a bad mood and my dad got the brunt of it! She's been great through all of this. This is the first time she's hinted that I might be doing things wrong, that she disaproves. Its just horrible to feel like you've let your parents down.

woadie

Lord knows with my own crap I'm hardly in a position to deal out advice! But I'm just sending you a massive hug because it sounds as if you're feeling as shitty as I am right now.

I don't think you're letting your parents down at all though. It sounds like your Mum was just having a major Bad Mood moment... I loved my Mum so much but now and again this sensible guru figure who I looked up to so much would have an earth-shattering unsensible irrational moment and make me sit up and see how she was as human as me and not so infallible lol

anyway, (((hugs)))

QTPie

Hi sweetie

No crying - otherwise we will have to give you more

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes (even mums). The thing is with (many) mums (at least mine!), is that they often find it very difficult to admit being wrong and apologise. Very frustrating

When you have a quite moment (liek your Mum is out), have a word with your Dad maybe... talk things through with him - I think that he will reassure you that you are not "in the way" and are "really loved" and that sometimes your Mum jusy "goes off on one"....

You'll be ok

QT