Originally Posted by ShadowRat

OMG Gabs, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this on top of everything else you've had to deal with lately...

Ok sweetheart, so here are my thoughts: The first and most important thing for you is to make a plan of the next few days which does not necessarily include your hubby, making sure that you can cope physically and emotionally until you are properly settled with your new doctor. You really really do not want the stress of this to make things even more complicated for little Jack in there I like the sound of his mother: Can you rely on her for some help with Owen and Gavin? And maybe around the house? Or just as someone to talk to / spend time with to keep yourself calm and to feel supported etc? If not her, then I hope there's someone else who can be there for you in person.
I do NOT like the sound of you doing things like driving about for ages trying to find him when you should be on strict bedrest. There's a reason that you need to be resting right now, as you well know, so if you can sort out something in the way of support that allows you to rest as much as possible in this situation then please please do it honey...

As for all of the questions about what he intends/ is thinking etc... We can all only guess. But it does sound to me as though you guys have been through this sort of thing before and come out the other side still intact. I think there's a good chance that he has that all-too-common freaking-out-dad syndrome right now, and perhaps he is just dealing with the anxiety of your high risk pregnancy in a really terrible man-way. If that's the case, I expect he will spend a while away, perhaps talk to his parents (is that likely?) and see that he was being totally unreasonable and foolish and that he should not be putting you under this kind of stress right now, regardless of whether he is actually seriously considering a divorce or not. Now is NOT the time.

I think the most likely outcome will be that he calls or comes back after he has cooled off for a while and decides to make an effort. I would say to you that you should probably not go and get divorce papers etc to throw at him (much as that looks like a good option right now!) ... I'd let things cool off for a bit honey, and let him do what he is going to do. As I said, in the meantime, I think you need to keep your mind busy, try to eat and rest as much as you can and focus on Jack and your other boys rather than on your lack of control of the situation with your hubby.

For the record, he is being a total total ass, and men never cease to amaze me with their idiocy and thickheadedness at such crucial times. I really hope that his better side shines through soon, and that the good man you know deeper down (the good father, good husband) shows how very sorry he is and how foolish he has been.

Sending you the biggest my darling, I hope you're ok, and we are all here for you, though we can't be there in person.



Shadow xxxxx

Originally Posted by Gabrielle

Was I wrong to call him mum? i'm just tired of the screaming going on and I didn't know what to do.

Originally Posted by Gabrielle

After he was swearing and stuff at owen and I butted him, he BLAMED me for owen's behavior. Saying i should wait to talk to him, but i said No, b/c i won't have you yelling at our son like that! he disagrees and started swearing more.

Originally Posted by xarxa

Nothing is wrong, but i would say it probably wasn't the best way to handle it. Allthough i absolutely understand your frustration, i think that he found you 'telling' on him to his mum was a huge break of trust and only made his anger worse.

Here i absolutely agree with him. I think you should have discussed it with him later when you are alone with him. Allthough i can understand your point of view, discussing things like this in front of a child will make the child confused. It will in a long run 'give' one of the parents more authority then the other. It can also cause feelings of guilt, because the child feels it is the reason why you are argueing.

Originally Posted by adzuki

Aw hon - it never rains but it pours, huh? Huge hugs!

Remember, you are NEVER responsible for other's feelings or their behaviour. It is always his responsibility to manage his own impulses, and it is never acceptable to accept or witness harm from someone just because it doesn't happen that often.

As far as the divorce thing, I don't know. You called his mom - and now he is caught and ashamed, and probably acting like a child (as he was probably very scared of "getting caught" for things when he was a kid) and lashing out impulsively. Great - solving a problem with impulsivity by doing more impulsive stuff. It is easy for him to blame YOU, but who he really should be blaming is HIMSELF. As hard as the result might be, you just forced him to own up and take responsibility for his actions - you are no longer complicit in his dirty little anger secret and now he feels that he has to sh*t or get off the pot. Looks like his impulse is to get off the pot - selfish, or self-protective (looks like it is easier for him to leave than it is for him to change himself) or whatever you call it, you guys have hit the edge of change now.

My guess is that therapy, for either or both of you would be helpful now. It sounds like this anger problem is very deeply rooted, judging from his mom's reaction, and your willingness to accept it shows me that you have developed a tolerance for it that may not be healthy (especially since there was past physical violence). Your son might benefit from some play therapy, or children who witness abuse counselling - but they won't generally do therapy with children if the violent person is still living in the home - it is too unsafe emotionally for the child.

Aw hon - what a horrible time I feel so badly for you. I can't imagine all the millions of emotions that must be floating through you right now. If it was me, I'd be sobbing for hours on end

Huge hugs!
A

Originally Posted by Gabrielle

Thank you for your honesty. I normally would have never said anything to his mum, but this has been going on for along time now and I've tried to get him to stop and get help but he doesnt listen to me..so the only other person I thought could help would be his parents...so thats why.