mtmoore

My wife has had 2 miscarriages prior to her current pregnancy (11 wks & 6 wks) which if you've experienced it you will know is very heartbreaking for the woman and indeed the man.

I know my wife blames herself for them which from my reading, is quite a normal reaction and I have been trying to reassure her that they were not her fault, but I know I'm probably not going to.

This time round (so far) at 16 weeks everything looks very healthy and believe me I should know as I have paid for private scans on a weekly basis since 7 weeks, a very well photographed foetus! :-) The midwives have tried reassuring my wife, I have tried, the sonographer has (on a weekly basis now), and yet no joy.

Now, before you jump in and say this is understandable because of the 2 miscarriages, I agree... however, her fear is becoming uncontrollable and in my opinion very unhealthy... in the last couple of weeks she has been convinced she has killed the baby by:

1) banging her knee
2) eating a whole bag of Doritos (big bag) !! - Too much salt she reckoned..
3) Drinking too much water after the above - 3 litres, when I told her that some salt can actually help at risk pregnancies for instance, she then believed by drinking that amount of water it diluted the above salt so drinking the water was harmful..
4) Getting too much sun (3 hours worth).

..and there have been countless others.

So, on each occasion we go for a scan because I just cannot get her to see sense (I try listening, the caring approach, the research and the "please see sense talk" - none work) and on each occasion everything is ok... in my mind, none of the above fears are healthy and in fact the tension she is building up because of these fears will cause more harm to the baby than the actual fear.

Any advice? I really care for my wife and my little unborn but I feel so stretched with my patience, each time I reassure her on one thing either with a scan or by reading, she comes up with something else... and my big fear is that one day it will truly be an issue and I will wrongly reassure her.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long email! :-)

Outside of the pregnancy she is very level headed with silly ailments.

Stephanie16

Well all I can say is she is not alone as i do worry constantly about stupid things. Has she got any other pregnant friends to talk to about her worries as this may help, or you should tell her to come on here and we can help!

mtmoore

She is too nervous to tell anyone else in case she Miscarriages again and has to tell people... this I can understand, so, no she does not have any pregnant friends to tell. Her first pregnancy with my lovely little son, we had none of these fears and didn't even think about it, quite a contrast! :-)

bubbles

As stephanie said maybe point her in the direction of us. the ladies on here are lovely and extremely helpfull and supportive. Sometimes all you need is another woman who is going through the same thing to talk to. If that doesn't work maybe see if she would have some counselling for the previous miscarriages. I hope it all works out for you and your wife

nikky0907

1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage,sometimes,for some women that statistic is even higher.

I know that you are aware of the fact that she wasn't to blame for these losses,so maybe the girls are right,point her to us,there is a section called 'Miscarriage and loss support' where she can read the things that women on here have gone through,some of it is absolutly heartbreaking but it might help her to deal with it in a healthy way where she can write out her feelings and other girls can help her.

I think that you're right to be concerened,she shouldn't blame herself.

And congratulations!

wilbrabeany

I agree with what all the girls have said, it doesn't make it easer to know how common miscarriages are but there are more positive healthy pregnancies than miscarriages. It sounds like she is getting alot of care now which should be reassuring. Maybe the midwife could have a chat with your wife and try and reassure her? I find this forum a help amd its reassuring knowing there are so many others out there who have had similar experiences and can relate to the paranoia that we go through.xxxx

SalJay

I agree with all the others wholeheartedly. Try and point her in our direction, just talking it over with people who are not directly involved will help with objective viewpoints. Also she will see she is not alone in her worries and paranoia, we all suffer from these to a greater or lesser degree!!

When she is feeling calm try and talk to her and I do have a feeling that whilst you are trying to be supportive (and good on you for this) you could inadvertently be giving her fears grounding by technically agreeing with her. And by agreeing I mean having scans every week, this may just be reinforcing her fears. Maybe come to an agreement on a date to stop ie 20 weeks. Have you tried to to talk to someone official like your GP or midwife for some guidance on how best to help her deal with this.

Hope you both start to feel reassured soon.

Ps I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing

PeanutBean

I agree, I was going to suggest she get on here and chat with some of the ladies. There are lots who have had many miscarriages who will be able to share and reassure. It does sound a little manic though, and not to add fuel to the fire but have you considered buying a doppler? They are a nightmare if you can't find the heartbeat but perhaps getting one and asking the MW to help your wife find the heartbeat the first time so she knows what to do will mean you can save some pennies on those expensive private scans! But think carefully, not finding the heartbeat one time will be worse than her fears from eating doritos...

thelilbump

I agree with the others aswell. She's not alone in worrying about what seems to be stupidly minor things harming the baby. I'm always posting on here and i must ask some stupid questions but all the girls on here are lovely and answer. So maybe suggesting to your wife to come on here might give her that little bit of confidence she needs. Just for her to know that other women experince the same fears in preganacy and she can voice hers. I think someone mentioned above but theres a miscarriage support section on here aswell so that might help her grieve in a different way aswell. Try and be patient with her because she needs to know you're on her side and her rock.

Rachiebaby24

I agree with the above and also...maybe buy her a doppler..thats puts a lots of womens minds at rest and will be cheaper than weekly scans!!