GemGems

Firstly, congrats to you and your wife on your 16 week bump

Personally, i wouldn't reccommend getting a doppler. Seems as your wife is already in a fragile state, not being able to find the heartbeat might be the last straw for her. Not being able to find the heartbeat doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with the baby, it just isn't always easy to find.

I'd really reccommend your wife joining baby&bump and chatting with other pregnant ladies and also ladies that have also experienced miscarriage and loss. The fact that there are so many women on here who are experiencing the same worries, symptoms as you is really reassuring. To be honest, it keeps me sane!! If i didn't have these guys to vent me concerns and worries to, there's no way i'd be half as calm as i am now about every little twinge etc.

Also, you dont need telling this but all the extra stress and pressure your wife is puttin on herself is not helping. She needs to stay calm. Get her on here and we'll sort her out!!

Good luck. xxxxx

poppy

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You seem to be such a caring husband, especially coming on here to find ways to help your wife. This will be more of a reassurance to her than you know.

I think having gone through two miscarriages, she is bound to worry about every little thing (most pregnant women, even if they haven't gone through a miscarriage, worry about symptoms now and again). Obviously, in your wife's case, you worry that the extent she is worrying will cause her harm. She should firstly feel a bit more reassured that she is now into the Second Trimester and that most miscarriages that are going to happen, happen before 12 weeks.

If she is worrying about things, this forum is a good place to air her concerns and chat to others who may be going through the same worries as her. I think the girls are right about getting advise and support from others who have gone through miscarriages as well. My only worry would be that after reading other experiences (for example, things like later miscarriages, which are very rare), she might start to worry about symptoms and obsess over these things happening to her as well. Whatever you do, ban her from 'Googling' symptoms as well as you can end up worrying yourself overly as well.

Above all, pamper her! Treat her to a weekend away or a nice meal out.

Good luck with this pregnancy, I am sure everything will go well. I hope you and your wife are able to start enjoying it soon.

xxx

Shri

Hi there - I really feel for you and your wife and I agree with what the other ladies have written - all those things will help.

The only thing I feel I can add, having experienced two losses myself (one at full term and the other a miscarriage) I have found that sometimes the more irrational thoughts and fears that come up are only calmed by acceptance. As much as I want reassurance, and need it, there is always part of me that thinks 'yes, but...' and I suspect that is what is going on with your wife too. She probably feel that things are completely out of her control, which is why she worries about little things, like eating a bag of dorritos. There is part of her that wants to control things and keep her baby safe, but she knows deep down, that she can only do so much, and the rest is not in anyone's power to control, not even the doctors... and the tension between those two can be really hard to get to grips with.

It helps me a LOT to acknowledge that, as much as I want my baby and will do everything I can to keep it safe and well, and as much as I feel another loss might destroy me, the outcome is NOT in my power, nor my husbands, nor the doctors, nor the little things I do like touching wood or saying a private prayer/wish at every traffic light etc.

Once I can surrender to that - I am much more relaxed. But it has taken me 3 years to get to this point of acceptance where I can find my peace relatively easily even though I feel scared.

Personally I would avoid telling her that she must keep calm and that stress is bad for the baby, as this will only make her feel worse. Instead, try to get her to stay in the moment. Say things like 'one moment at a time, love,' and encourage her to remember to make the most of each moment. Assert things that are FACTS and steer her away from the 'what if's' gently.

I hope what I have written makes some sense. It is hard to put into words.
Thinking of you both
x

wendino

I was the same way, since I had a miscarriage right before this pregnancy. To be honest, I haven't felt comfortable until this week. (27 weeks) I think once she feels the baby moving on a regular basis she will feel quite a bit better. I have had 3 scans already, and everytime everything was perfect, but I was still scared that something had happened or that she had stopped growing.

Now I feel my babe moving and kicking me all day, and I just stop and think "Ok she is still alive" (as morbid as that sounds)

I agree with getting her to join the forum. I have found much comfort in reading posts about other people having the same things I am experiencing. Oh a cramp in the side of my bump, Oh well so and so had it and so did 30 other people! Things that are minor, that I would have blown out of proportion if I didn't read about it on here.

You seem like a great guy! Heres to a happy pregnancy for you both!

Mervs Mum

I dont think I can add anything to all the wonderful advice that the girls have already given.

I hope you can get her to come on here. I've found this place and its members such a help at times of worry.

x

Ps - you sound like a wonderful husband.

Doodles

I understand how she feels, and although it seems extreme to others, having experienced 2 mc's its understandable. Its lovely of you to support her by agreeing to the weekly scans.

Personally I found that I got so worried the night before my scans that I ended up making myself ill. For me buying a good quality doppler and gel did the trick. I was able to listen for babys heartbeat any time anywhere 24/7. At 16 weeks and with some practice I'm sure she wont have a problem finding your babys heartbeat, maybe your midwife will spend a little time showing her the best way to use it etc and will explain that sometimes you can find it straight away, other times it can take a few minutes.

Unfortunately for some ladies we are unable to relax and enjoy our pregnancies, but rest assured she will soon start feeling baby move regularly which will put her mind at rest.

Landingmach3

Have you pointed out that her first two miscarriages were during the first trimester? Miscarriage is always higher during that time. You three have already made it to week 16! Starting the 5th month soon! I dont know if that would help to point out or if you already have done that....Getting to the second trimester is a big step!!! Good luck with everything and like the girls said...tell her to try us out.