Becki77

Hi all,
I know this isnt really the right section to put this in but thought some of you girlies would beable to help me!
Ive got a friend who had a m/c in dec last year at 7 weeks although not aware until 10 weeks. She has been ttc since then but keeps getting a bfn.
She uses ovulation sticks every month and has had blood tests done recently but i believe everything has come back fine.
She is so desperate to have a baby and her and her hubby are both mid-late 30's so time is moving on! Her hubby has children from his last marriage but she has none. When i found out i was pg i had to tell her before anyone else because i thought she would respect that so she is fine with my pregnancy ( or appears it anyway)
The thing is she this week she seems so down/depressed.( shes usually very bubbly)
It makes things worse when people talk to me about my pregnancy infront of her,... not the easiest thing for her to listen too!
Anyway have any of you been in a similar situation? or were you ttc for a long time, if so did you have any treatment?
Sorry for the millions of questions but im at a loss with what to say now,
thankyou girlies xx

Ann-Marie

I didn't want to read and run

I really don't know what to say. I think she needs to see a doc for her depression. Especially if she's trying to concieve, as stress can stop it happening. Other than that, just carry on being a friend to her.

dizzynic

Hi
I have just suffered a loss 2 weeks ago and have a few pregnant friends around me all the time i thought initially that i would find it very hard being around them but suprisingly i am not affected by them being around me at all i do get sad when alone when the kids have gone to bed . Miscarriage can affect women in many ways i recall reading in the leaflet i was given at the hospital that there are many stages of grief and maybe your friend just hasnt finished going through them yet it is very worrying to see someone you care about going through something like this but all you can do is support her really and maybe voice your concerns to her maybe she wants to talk about it but does not want to broach the subject because you are pregnant and she might think that you wont want to talk about her loss with her x

BeckyBoo

I was trying to concieve for 19 months before I fell pregnant. I didn't look for fertility treatment due to the fact that I'm only 20. But if she's in her 30's she should look into it if she doesn't fall pregnant. I think doctors like to wait until after 6-12 months of TTC. Sometimes longer, but due to her age they may do things sooner.

She really needs to stop thinking about it and worrying. The month I gave up was the month I fell pregnant.

Shaz34

Hi Becki

We were ttc for 7 years and went through 7 cycles of treatment before getting this bfp. Infertility is the worst pain imaginable. It may be small comfort to your friend now, but at least she knows that she can conceive, which should help her through this. I first visited my Dr after 8 mths of ttc back in early 2001 and was basically dismissed - it took me almost another year to pluck up the courage to go back and ask for some tests etc. Turned out my anxiety was well founded, as years of disappointment followed. So I would advise your friend to go to her Dr is she is still worried after 6mths.

The worst thing I found was well-meaning people telling me to relax, stop worrying, try to put it our of my mind and it will happen etc. I know they meant well but clearly for us it was NOT going to happen and those people always made me feel like it was something I was doing that was preventing it. The reality was that such 'advice' always felt patronising, especially when it came from people who already had children.

Another thing that annoyed me was when people went our of their way to avoid talking about pregnancy. I know people were trying to be sensitive, but for instance when the topic of conversation changed abruptly when I came along, it made me cringe to think that it was happening out of pity. I was the last person to know my best friend was pregnant and a friend from uni didn't tell me she was pg until she was nearly 6 months gone, and even then it was via an apologetic text message. Those things really hurt, which I don't think many people realise.

Struggling with infertility has been very difficult, depressing and heartbreaking at times. Last year I had to drive to a friends wedding the day after we found out an ivf cycle had failed, and ended up sat beside the only other driver at the table - another friend who was newly pregnant and talked for 6hrs solid about how quick it happened and how easy it was. As a pharmacist I have carried out numerous +ve pregnancy tests, and on one occasion this happened on the very the same day we found out our first treatment had failed. I had to take a few minutes to steel myself before discussing this with the patient as I was feeling very emotional and in a lot of physical pain with stomach cramps. When I delivered the news all she could talk about was how inconvenient it was as she had been looking forward to a safari holiday. I dont think I have ever been so upset or angry.

The best thing is to talk normally about pregnancy and babies to anyone in that situation. Life goes on for everyone else and cutting them out of such conversations makes the feeling of isolation and failure even worse.

I hope your friend has some good news soon - if she conceived in Dec then hopefully she will again and her body is just taking a few months to recover first of all. What I have described above is a kind of worst-case scenario but I thought it might help to hear that side of things from someone who has been there.

You sound like a good, thoughtful friend, she's lucky to have you and hopefully you can both talk babies soon!

Shaz

toriaaaaTRASH

I felt so bad when I fell pregnant because my friend had been trying for 6 months after her miscarriage (6 months previously) and I had got pregnant trying to prevent it. She understood and is now pregnant herself. I really hope your friend gets her BFP soon. You can't feel bad for being pregnant and she won't expect you to. She might not want to be involved much, or hear much about it, but I'm sure she's happy for you.

ryder

I know you are trying to be a good friend, but you mustn't let yourself get too upset about this, its your time, your baby and your happiness. It so kind of you to feel that way about your friend, but right now the pain is probably so big for her. And there is not alot you will be able to do besides make sure she knows your there for her and be a good friend.

Maybe her body just isnt ready yet? Maybe she needs to take the focus of conceiving for a few months, let her body heal and cycle a couple times and then try again..

sglascoe

I found out i was pregnant in early January (6 weeks by then) a week after my Big sis found out she was pregnant (also about 6 weeks) with her first which i was chuffed about cos she will make a fantastic mum.

Anyway everything was going fine until a week later when she started bleeding and miscarried, i was devistated for her, almost thinking why her when i have three children already, i find it really hard talking about babs around her even though i know she is pleased for me.

So yes it is very hard,

gde78

You just need to be there for her and give her lots of support. I know when I was trying last year, and my SIL was pregnant, I did find it hard some days, but I wanted to know all about what she was going through and didn't want to be left out of anything! Have you discussed with your friend whether and how much she wants to hear?

I do hope she gets a soon. Big

Mervs Mum

Its a difficult situation. I have a very dear friend who was about 3 weeks in front of me and found out at her scan she'd had a missed m/c. I felt so guilty that I was still carrying on and she wasnt. To add to that she's found out it was a molar pregnancy and the placenta hasnt come away yet alomst 2 months later. When it does she'll still have 6 months to wait before TTC.
I let her come to me. I havent said much and I eventually admitted at the right moment, that I felt incredibly guilty. She's so sad but genuinely happy for me and I'm sure your friend is too. Let her come to you and be honest with her if you think the time is right.

x