My Story 2nd try.
Ok - bear with me.
3 years ago, I fell pregnant with my first child. We had a couple of days of shock and confusion as my OH and I are from two different continents and we thought we had 'plenty of time' to figure out where we were going to settle, get married etc. However, we soon got exited about our future baby, so we got married and OH came to live with me in UK. It was a 'textbook perfect' pregnancy, as they say. I loved it, although I was quite emotional the whole time. Everything was going well and we were already deeply in love with our baby, who we found out would be a little boy! ( I'm keeping all our names private for now)
I went overdue and was worried about this, but no one else seemed to think it was anything to worry about. Eventually at 42 weeks I had a completely natural labour, no pain relief at all (it was AGONY) - despite the pain, until the outcome, it was quite an amazing experience and parts of which I will treasure.
When our baby boy was finally delivered (in a birthing pool at the hospital) he did not move or breath. Everyone around us went into panic as we sat there in utter shock. They whisked him away and tried to resuscitate him - sadly to no avail. 20 minutes later I was told my baby had gone.
He was absolutely perfect - so beautiful. He must have died during the last hour of labour. We had been monitored up until that last hour and everything was fine, his heartbeat was perfect. But that last hour, no one monitored us - a fact which haunts me to this day.
We were told later on that he was probably deprived of oxygen and just slipped away. He looked so perfect, so peaceful, just like a sleeping angel. No other reason could be found. It was extremely hard to comprehend.
We cuddled him and talked to him - but it took several hours before it really sunk in that he was not going to cry or wake up - ever. I still have dreams about this.
I can't describe the pain and grief. And anger too - to think that if I had been monitored, his distress may have been picked up and intervention could have saved him.
I miss him every minute of every day - sometimes I still find it hard to believe that everything went wrong in just a few moments. I suppose, in the days of old, this sort of thing happened a lot more often.
3 years later - OH and I moved to his side of the pond to try to build a new life. Everything changes when a baby dies - your friends, the points of reference in your life that are important to you, and your plans for the future.
Last autumn I fell pregnant again. We were delighted but our happiness was short lived. I had some spotting (which I now know is not necessarily a concern) but more than that I instinctively felt something was not right. At my 10 week scan we discovered that our baby had died at 8 weeks. A missed miscarriage.
Later on I had a hysteroscopy to check that my womb was all right and as soon as I recovered from that, we rather casually started to try again and here I am now at 9+4 weeks! So far, everything is looking good.
(by the way, I put our TTC success down to not using any lubrication whatsoever, not even preseed!)
We are taking things one day at a time. If we get through a day with nothing scary or worrying happening, it is a good day.
I really really hope that this time, I will have a live, healthy baby. My firstborn, and the tiny one that was miscarried too will never ever ever be forgotton. Our baby boy could never be replaced and even a dozen babies could not make up for his loss - he was, and is, a real little individual to us, with unique features and all the potential of any little baby boy.
We are simply hoping for an earth-baby now, to compliment our angel one!
please put it back up i didnt get to read it, the thing with writing about loss's is alot of people dont know what to say so dont say anything.
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