Been thinking of a way to spend my evenings, since I'm so tired all the time and haven't got the energy to exercise, so here's my pregnancy journal. Well, this is how it all happened.
I had been dating this guy for about 3 months (but have known him + been close-ish to him for about 8 years) - he was 17 years old and I was 14, almost 15 years old. Now, we had been BD'ing for this time, sometimes quite often. Thinking back on it I was being a dumbshit. But hell, everybody was having sex, it was just the thing to do. Being the dumb teenagers we were, he convinced me I wouldn't get pregnant, seeing as 'people do it all the time' unprotected. I, being the fool I was, believed this statement and we continued on using no form of contraception, for some time. Just the 'pull-out' method, and other times that didn't stick. Don't get me wrong, we did use condoms occasionally, we just prefered not to.
Well, suprise suprise. One night I decided to go to my friend Richard's house (he's allowed to drink + smoke pot in his house - I know, bad Mary). Mind you, I rarely ever drank and I did not smoke weed. Ever(I have a bad past with using hard drugs and messing my heart up). But before I went to his house I fueled myself up on about 5 or 6 beers, since me and my OH were fighting at the time. The night was kind of blurry, I'm an easy drunk (well I was 5'0 and 100 pounds - what do you expect?). At the end of the night I had some serious stomach pains, and that's when I started thinking I may very well be pregnant. I was a constant smoker at the time too, I pledged to quit smoking but that didn't happen until later on in the pregnancy.
The next day I had stinging pains in my boobs so bad I cried, and that's when I decided to get a pregnancy test.
Negative.
Whoo - good thing. Was I sure scared to shit! So a few more weeks go by, and I realized that my libido no longer existed, my mood swings were constant and at this point my 'time' had been long overdue. I went to the mall to pick up another pregnancy test (that came with two!), and voila, the little + that changed my life. :
Now, up to now I have had a sort of 'bad' past.. involving extreme ecstasy use, cocaine, narcotics, alcohol and prescription drugs, and expultion from 3 schools in one year, for quite some time. I had been off them for about 8 months at that point. I told my grandmother the night after(She is my legal guardian - long story with my mother). She, in turn, told my uncle whom I live with, and she got me to go to the doctor and take a test. Of course it turned up positive. They were very very upset with me for quite some time.. well, not a horrible long amount of time, maybe only a couple of weeks which felt like eternity. My uncle pressured me to get an abortion. There was only one point in my pregnancy where I considered it - but the idea was shot down within hours.
I was relying on my OH's family and him for support - they were very supportive. But first I must tell you about him and his family. He is a very very mentally unstable boy, and when I started dating him I admit I went a little unstable myself. I guess that's why they say you become as sick as the person you're with. He always was getting jealous over nothing, flirting with other girls and accuse me of cheating on him. He also had very bad problems with self-esteem and anger problems. UNBELIEVEABLE anger problems. At one point he started talking about killing himself because I broke up with him for lying to me, and he started kicking the shit out of trees.
A person like that would have to come from a pretty messed up family, huh? Well his mother, she seems nice, but boooy does she have some issues. She used to let him do drugs in the house, and her and his father would play the blame game daily. They also refused to drive across town to pick him up because he didn't want to be at a place where people were doing drugs + drinking excessively.
Now on to his father - discusting old man. His workplace is inside of his house, in the basement, so there's always old men around there. His dad would also come and walk up to me and smile and stare, for absoloutely no reason. My OH at the time, also told one of his friends that he found a sex tape of his father and this girl named Samatha Weins having sex, which is discusting because he's in his late fourties and she is under the age of 18.
I know - what the *UCK was I thinking!?!? Well, as the pregnancy progresses and people aren't as mad anymore, everybody started warming up to the idea of a baby. We jump from one plan to another, and eventually it is decided I will stay here with my grandmother and my uncle, and work with my grandmother at her workplace to earn some money, doing homeschooling at the same time. Eventually, the baby changes everything, and me and my OH break up. I decide that I don't want him seeing his son or having any contact whatsoever with him, seeing as all he does is drugs now, HE'S AFFILIATED WITH GANGS, and he has severe anger problems along with a sick discusting family and mental issues. Well, he wouldn't take no for an answer so he keeps bugging me and bugging me. He harassed me day and night, calling me nonstop, I threatened to call the cops on him and he still wouldn't stop.
It pissed me off to the point where I told him I would go right now and call crime stoppers(he has committed numberous unsolved crimes around Winnipeg - and I had that proof on my cell phone!) on him and get his ass sent to jail where it belonged. Well, needless to say, he's finally out of my and my little one's life. MY little one.
Sometimes I don't know whether to question if I just did that out of spite - or if he genuinely shouldn't have the right to see his own baby.
The scary thing is, if an opposing gang knows that he has a child, they may come after me and my baby first.
I don't want my baby to be susceptible to violence and that kind of behaviour.
Also I'm involved in a group called "Forum Quorum", a group of travelling actors and writers, that perform 'forum theatre'. I used to be working in this group as a partial writer and a full-time actor, but now that I'm pregnant I decided to just direct and write this play(it's in June - I'll be too big to perform). And I have done a good amount of writing, modelling and acting in my life. I guess I was subjected to it because my father is a big actor in the Aboriginal community, and my auntie is a big writer in the Aboriginal community. Since I was 9 my dream was to act on television, which I already have accomplished, but I wanted to do more, aswell as theatre and movies. I've had a good taste of them all, and theatre was my favourite, but now ..
It's hard. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life anymore. I had it all planned out, but much of my life plans involved constantly being away from home. Forum theatre is a TRAVELLING group of actors.. the movies, t.v ads, they can't all be done in Winnipeg.. actually, a very small percentage can be done in Winnipeg.. And even then, it's not making a steady living. My workplace, Ma mawi, is a resource centre. I'm in training to become an accountant there, which is probably what I will stick to, but.. it just seemed so important to do something you LOVE doing in life.
I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, I have been to the darkest place of the world and back. I have lived the streets, I have partied for months, I have suffered severe drug addiction for a long time and I have walked the land of the dead. The land of the drug addicts. Along with that I have had alcohol poisoning and almost died from overdose MANY times, also I have suffered extreme withdrawals which nearly killed me, and I lived to tell about it.
The fact that I'm even ALIVE amazes me everyday. Now I have the gift of bringing a child into the world.. I almost feel guilty.
Why me.
Why not all those other people who try forever but never seem to conceive?
I guess I'm just really really damn lucky. And really really damn thankful.
And here we are today. I'll post pics of how big I got, along with a before and after pregnancy photo (Bare in mind, I just got my digital camera last week, so most of the pictures are taken with webcam).. So far, 25 weeks - gained 20 pounds.
First of all, congratulations for kicking the drug habit. I know it must be so hard. We own a roofing company and goodness, the trade workers always have issues with drugs, so it seems. I've seen some get help but only to go right back in it again. So, I implore you to stay off of them and be proud for getting through the addiction!
Secondly, you are a very lovely girl and I've no doubt that if you set your mind to it, you will be able to follow your dreams, even if you do have a baby.
Thirdly, you are so young and I can only imagine how scared you must be and how uncertain you must be of your life ahead. Be the best mom you can be as your child needs you every step of the way. I am not going to lie, but even though I am in my thirties, the day-to-day responsibilities can be hard BUT the rewards are far greater.
Best wishes to you and I sincerely hope that everything works out for you!
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The following user says 'Thanks' to leeanne for this post:
wow what a story, its good that you got babys daddy out of your life for the moment he didn't sound like he was going to be any good for you or your baby.
the group of traveling actors sounds amazing, i do/did fire poi/rops/fans and stilt walking in night clubs before i got pregnant the first time and it is (at the time) what i wanted to do forever, i hadnt thought of children my life was going out gettin wasted dancing in clubs i wasnt old enough to get into waking up and doing it all over again, but my god getting pregnant changed all of that, it makes you realize that your life is a special gift and that you should enjoy and explore.
it sounds like you have your head screwed on and that you are going to make such a great mum, having a baby doesnt have to stop you hopes and dreams it just changes them a little you could always take the baby traveling with you people do that all over the world!
it sounds like you have made some mistakes but its great that your fixing them.
your life is only just beginning
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The following user says 'Thanks' to Uvlollypop for this post:
Well I think Lee-Anne has said exactly what I was thinking. I'd just like to add that you seem incredibly mature and switched on for your years. It took me a while of reading you posted before I picked up on how young you are. You are articulate and thoughtful and I honestly believe even though your life may not have taken the path you may have hoped I honestly can imagine you going on to big things. You sound liek the kind of girl who if she put her mind to it will absolutely achieve.
Well done on sorting out the drugs. I myself had a pretty wild early adult hood and as much as I know its a part of what makes me who I am, I'm glad I'm not longer a part of it.
I'm very impressed with you lady......
x
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The following user says 'Thanks' to Mervs Mum for this post:
Wow,thats one hell of a story...but I have to say that it has a very positive ending.You sound completely different,mature,responsible and intelligent.
It's a big thing how you kicked the drugs and made a comeback.
You're doing the right thing by keeping the LO from your ex.he sounds dangerous.
The important thing is that you have learned from your experiences and you managed to get yourself out of those dark places.Thats whats gonna make you a great mom.
What doesn't kill you,only makes you stronger!
Plus,you're young and you have all the time in the world to find and reach your dreams...
P.S. I have to say that although are stories couldn't be more different,our situation is still very alike...thats interesting..
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The following user says 'Thanks' to nikky0907 for this post:
Well, today I'm off to go and visit my 5 billion relatives in the reservation - for those of you who don't know, a reservation is a place where a certain group of ethnic people live, almost without government rules, no taxes, etc. Indeed it does sound nice with the whole 'no taxes' bout, but no taxes and far in the country means no resources.
Everybody has to live off junk food - they only have one little store the size of your typical everyday corner store.Living off junkfood means living in obesity.Living in obesity means living with diabeties, which is what many of the Aboriginal peoples in various reservations around the world live with. Truly, I don't know how they could stand it. I would be out of there in no time at all. But the centre of this system is poverty. They are forced to live this way because there are no jobs, hence living in poverty for most of their lives.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough, I'm off to go visit my family who is in desperate need of support after a recent event in which my cousin and her children lost their house.
Pregnancy related - I'm getting horrible horrible cravings for a greasy glob of mozzarella cheese. Just the cheese, nothing else. My feet are a little swollen, but not too swollen to go out and buy a nice new pair of shoes.
I sleep all the time. I sleep for about 10 hours a night, and I have to take a 2 hour nap after work to make sure I don't drop dead from exhaustion.
My - how precious babies are! I just can't wait to meet mine, but I will enjoy this pregnancy while I can, because I know I'll miss the days where my little man was still inside of my tummy kicking away. Come to think of it, he's been quite quiet today - must be a lazy day!
I have to meet with my theatre group today - we're putting together a show about Arsen, since all the children who have been caught by police setting fires recently in Winnipeg, including a 10 year old boy who caused more than 100,000$ worth of damage. He let slip that he wants to be a break in entrist when he grows older and he planned to start up 100 more fires in the next year!
My God, where have we gone wrong with some of our children?
Enough said.
I will post more pics up later, seeing as I'm at work and I haven't got any on this PC.
I had been dating this guy for about 3 months (but have known him + been close-ish to him for about 8 years) - he was 17 years old and I was 14, almost 15 years old. Now, we had been BD'ing for this time, sometimes quite often. Thinking back on it I was being a dumbshit. But hell, everybody was having sex, it was just the thing to do. Being the dumb teenagers we were, he convinced me I wouldn't get pregnant, seeing as 'people do it all the time' unprotected. I, being the fool I was, believed this statement and we continued on using no form of contraception, for some time. Just the 'pull-out' method, and other times that didn't stick. Don't get me wrong, we did use condoms occasionally, we just prefered not to.
:
Now, up to now I have had a sort of 'bad' past.. involving extreme ecstasy use, cocaine, narcotics, alcohol and prescription drugs, and expultion from 3 schools in one year, for quite some time. I had been off them for about 8 months at that point. I told my grandmother the night after(She is my legal guardian - long story with my mother). She, in turn, told my uncle whom I live with, and she got me to go to the doctor and take a test. Of course it turned up positive. They were very very upset with me for quite some time.. well, not a horrible long amount of time, maybe only a couple of weeks which felt like eternity. My uncle pressured me to get an abortion. There was only one point in my pregnancy where I considered it - but the idea was shot down within hours. 
I know - what the *UCK was I thinking!?!? Well, as the pregnancy progresses and people aren't as mad anymore, everybody started warming up to the idea of a baby. We jump from one plan to another, and eventually it is decided I will stay here with my grandmother and my uncle, and work with my grandmother at her workplace to earn some money, doing homeschooling at the same time. Eventually, the baby changes everything, and me and my OH break up. I decide that I don't want him seeing his son or having any contact whatsoever with him, seeing as all he does is drugs now, HE'S AFFILIATED WITH GANGS, and he has severe anger problems along with a sick discusting family and mental issues. Well, he wouldn't take no for an answer so he keeps bugging me and bugging me. He harassed me day and night, calling me nonstop, I threatened to call the cops on him and he still wouldn't stop.
It's hard. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life anymore. I had it all planned out, but much of my life plans involved constantly being away from home. Forum theatre is a TRAVELLING group of actors.. the movies, t.v ads, they can't all be done in Winnipeg.. actually, a very small percentage can be done in Winnipeg.. And even then, it's not making a steady living. My workplace, Ma mawi, is a resource centre. I'm in training to become an accountant there, which is probably what I will stick to, but.. it just seemed so important to do something you LOVE doing in life.
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