Wow! What a ride this will have been. You are amazingly strong and I think of you often, sending positive vibes. I hope your next scan goes more smoothly and that you can get a nice picture of Tommy's face.

You're such an incredibly strong woman. Tommy is lucky to have such an amazing mum! Good luck at your next scan.. I'll be thinking of you & your little boy.

This is an incredible story. You truly are an amazing woman. Good luck! xo

Wow! What an amazing journal and an amazing woman to go with it!!
You are certainly going to be one fantastic mummy!
Im sorry to read your pregnancy hasnt been an easy ride but you sound very strong and determine.
Take care, keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

Another bloody blow!!!

Over the next few weeks, I started packing to move out of my apartment and into mine and Mike’s first (rented) house. I found that I was unable to do very much at all, other than pack one box or two due to tiredness and soreness in my back. My friends and family were amazingly helpful and did most of the packing for me. Tommy seemed to have a huge growth spurt and started hiccupping up to three times a day! Every time he did it felt like a little hello and made me feel happy he was developing well. He was still kicking like a footballer, but the kicks were getting less and less and turning to wriggles, which I put down to lack of space.

The Saturday before the big move, I went to the labour ward for my diabetes test. I had to be there at 9:30 and the place was so quiet and peaceful. However, I had had to fast and I was literally starving!! I felt like I would eat anything I saw! The midwife took some blood and gave me the most disgusting breakfast of my life – literally sugar water. She also took blood for my thyroid and iron levels and checked my blood pressure, as it had been high the previous week. Again, it was high. I then had to wait two hours until she could do another blood test to see how my body reacted to the sugar. Thankfully there were two other ladies waiting so we chatted for a few hours and the time seemed to fly past.

After the two hours, the midwife took some more blood and did my blood pressure again. Again, it was high. So with three high readings in a row, she tested my urine for protein, which thankfully there wasn’t! She put it down to hypertension and told me to get it checked by my midwife once a week. I was free to go and enjoy what turned out to be the warmest day of spring so far.

The next few days past in a blur of packing and moving and come Monday I forgot all about calling the hospital for my results. Again, my family did all the hard work.

Tuesday, the diabetes midwife called me and gave me the bad news – I had failed the test quite badly in fact and needed to go into hospital and see her the next day. Fortunately I was with my dad who was diabetic and gave me an insight into what it meant and put my mind at rest.

Wednesday, I met the midwife and she explained everything to me. Normally, when you eat, your body produces insulin to keep your blood sugar levels within a healthy range. When pregnant – sometimes the hormones produced by the placenta stop this insulin from working – leaving you with high blood sugar.

This sugar is then passed on to the baby, who can regulate his insulin and control his own blood sugar levels, but as a consequence of all the insulin, which is a growth hormone, he will grow too much, particularly around the shoulders, making delivery hard. He will also be hypoglycaemic at birth due to the sudden cut off of blood sugar and be possibly jaundiced. There is also a chance he will have underdeveloped lungs.

Firstly, I wasn’t concerned about his growth, as he is a very small baby at the moment, but the hypoglycaemia is treated by a very quick feed straight after birth – something I would not be able to do as he will be taken into surgery. The midwife assured me that he will be put on a glucose drip instead. Steroid injections would be given to help his lungs.

For a week I was going to try and control my sugar levels by checking my levels regularly and avoiding fatty & sugary foods. This looked like no problem at all, as I already had a very good diet, excluding the odd burger and ice cream craving. After a week, if I had not managed to control my levels, I would be given insulin or a pill to control my levels.

Day one and everything seemed to be going fine. My levels were within a normal range and I felt that everything was going to be fine! If I could control it on my own, then my baby would be fine too. Unfortunately, after dinner, my levels went through the roof despite me having a good meal. I then started to go down hill emotionally for the first time since I heard he had SB.

I felt that I wasn’t going to be able to control it, that I would be put on insulin injections. I felt like such a failure. My doctor that day had been concerned about how I was coping with everything and I had assured her I was fine and strong. But she had somehow unlocked my emotions and her expectation that I couldn’t deal with everything made me suddenly feel that it was ok to be upset and expected.

Mike called that evening as he usually did and I just wanted to cry, apologise for not being able to have his healthy child. I felt like he should be disappointed in me and that it was all my fault. I felt like all the fight had just left me. I wished for a moment that there was someway I could just give up, as there was no chance Tom would be born ok. I saw my place as it was, still at the beginning of something really big and really hard, and expected to get a lot harder. At that moment all I had to do was wait and see and look after myself – but soon I would be pushing Tom into the world and watching him being whisked away without even a feed, not knowing how bad he will be or how he will cope with surgery and whether I would ever get to hold him. And even if it all worked out – it would be a long time before we would be a normal family, if we were ever going to be.

I lost all hope….I needed Mike back. I now felt so alone.

Thankfully, despite these feelings, I still had the strength to go on, to keep doing everything I could for Tom, but I really didn’t know how much more I could cope with.

big hugs hun, ill talk to you later :-)

Oh hun, things really aren't going smoothly are they?

Less than a month till Mike comes home though. Try and focus on that, and hopefully you won't feel quite so down.

hello
I just wanted to add to all the comments saying what a brave, strong and wonderful mum you are! I found reading your journal very moving and inspiring.
I'm so sorry that you all have to go through all these difficulties, life can be so cruel sometimes. But I I hold a great deal of hope that you, Tommy and your partner will come through all these challenges as smoothly and healthily and happily as possible. Sending lots of positive vibes your way.
x

awww hun sending big hugs

You are doing incredibly well honey.

x