I was so scared I'd called this my dairy. Still.... here goes..

21 Jan 08

Saw Bob (baby on board) today. Kind of weird after everything we've been through. Mark was hoping that the tests were wrong and there would be nothing there. I thought maybe that would be the best thing all round, but knew I would be gutted if it was the truth, anyway I knew 5 tests couldn't be wrong and I felt pregnant all the way through.
It started the day AF was due in November. I did a cheapy test on that day cos I knew I was pregnant. The most bizzare feeling as I've never been pregnant before but I knew it anyway, I couldn't stay off the loo and my back was killing me, I guess bob just wanted me to be aware of its presence.

When I found out I was extatic, and terrified. The fear began to outweigh the elation. My job is unstable to say the least, and our relationship seems to be becoming increasingly iffy. We can't afford a baby and as time went on the affection we used to show each other vanished and the arguments increased.

I'm not proud of it but we talked about abortion. We've both always said we were against it, but suddenly it seemed like a viable option for us.
BUT..... its too late now, I've seen Bob and theres no going back, I'm completely in love. We will make it work.

I don't really know how Mark feels about it all, he's not said much. He doesn't talk about how he feels alot. On the one hand I'm worried because he didn't seem to want the baby before, but when we had the scan, to start with he was looking at the screen and I was looking at him, and I'm sure he looked happy. I couldn't stop smiling when I saw the screen, but I found myself trying to hide it because I really wasn't sure of how he felt. He's been looking at the picture a lot and talking about the baby so maybe its the same situation for him, now that he's seen Bob he's been hit by this feeling too. The one that says we're parents now. We have to grow up, communicate, think about things cos this is real. I hope we can.

I really hope we can.......

How are things going for you? Haven't seen you in a few days?

I'd forgotten I'd started this!!

How things have changed! Iam nearly there (Ihope) ad couldn't be happier. Mark and I have worked through our problems and we are back on track. We are both getting excited now. The nursery is decorated and I think we will be just fine. I lost my job but we are managing. I think being a proper partnership makes all the difference. Lookingn forward to being a family and things will be brilliant.

Awww, that's good that you worked things out .. Glad to hear you're doing well.