This is something I've never dealt with before and I'm not sure how to work it out.

My DH and I have had serious money issues for a while now. With the baby on the way, it's of course feeling much worse. I've been doing everything I possibly can to stay positive. I don't let myself dwell on the negative things because I know I can't control them. Plus, I've been pretty bad off money wise plenty of times in my life so I know how to make the best of it. I know how bad things are, but I just push it out of my mind when I know it's not helping to think about it.

My DH apparently can't do that. He's dwelling on every little bad possibility he comes across. The car is messed up, it could be a small issue we can fix without having to purchase anything, or it could need a part that costs too much money for us to repair it. Either way, DH can still get to work on his motorcycle, it just leaves me stuck at home, which I really don't mind. I haven't let myself stress over it because I know it may not be a big deal. He refuses to even acknowledge the simple possibility and is letting himself feel like the only possible solution being too expensive for us to ever fix. (even the expensive problem will be fixable in a month or so) It's like he has lost all hope of anything ever being good again in life.

He's also getting mad at me for not being stressed out about everything like he is. He thinks I don't care because I'm staying positive. I just *can't* be that way. It's not in me to let myself be that miserable over uncontrollable things.

I tried to suggest tonight that he think more positive. I asked him if all his worry and stress would fix anything at all.. and won't things turn out exactly the same if he put it out of his mind until the time comes to actually deal with it and fix it. (the time WILL come eventually) I tried to joke and asked him if he'd somehow figured out a way to pay our mortgage with anxiety. He got really angry with me and hung up like I committed the ultimate sin.

I don't want to turn my back on him, but he is doing everything he can to drag me into his misery and I'm not going there. I refuse to be miserable just because he wants company in his self inflicted sadness. He knows that he's about to get more hours at work. He knows there is a light coming at the end of the tunnel. He just refuses to look and I don't know how to help him anymore. Talking certainly doesn't work. He just turns it in to me not caring (wouldn't be here living like this if I didn't!) and starts trying to depress me too. I say something positive, he gets angry and turns it into something negative. He does have happy moments but suddenly he'll go from -everything is getting better! Yay!- to -everything possible that can suck does suck and it's always going to suck and nothing will ever be good again.-

Anyone dealt with this before? Any suggestions?

He's so stubborn and he won't listen to me. He won't ask anyone for help. (i've tried to get him to borrow money several times and he refuses to even entertain the thought) He's just going to wallow in it and drag everyone he can with him and he's going to feel even worse when realizes I am not going down that road. And I'm not going to be the one he picks a fight with every time he needs to let off steam. My goal in life is to be happy, not to sit and rot in my own self induced hell. How do I get him to see that he's only making it all worse?

Are you sure we don't have the same husband??? Mine behaves the same way. I just have to explain to him that I really do care, and I understand his anxiety. However I can't change anything at this moment, and as long as we have a plan we have something we can look towards.

I have been trying to tell him the same thing. And I keep reminding him that in a few weeks, his paychecks are going up and we are going to start getting caught up.

Apparently that's the most terrible thing I can say though.

HI
do you work... maybe you could take on an extra job to lighten the load a little... i worry about everything so i know how he feels...

try and understand thet he cares what happens to you and the house it would be far worse if he didnt care.

I lived with something with depression for 2 years and it was awful, I used to dread getting home from work every day because I knew he would be down in the dumps. He didnt leave the bedroom for 6 months it was that bad...

You cant jolly people out of it...believe me I have tried... if it IS depression then they need medical help, counselling, medication whatever.... we tried both, it didnt work for him.......

I bought a calendar and put a smiley face in for every day I was happy....there where none! so I put myself first and left. you have one life so dont waste it being with someone who is making you unhappy...IF they are making you unhappy?

We don't have a car right now so I can't leave the house. I was actively looking for a job before it broke down though and was having no luck. The economy here is *really* bad.. the worst it's been in 30 years. Jobs are nearly impossible for anyone to find, even fast food places aren't hiring.

I can't leave him for it. I know this isn't the real him. In the nearly 4 years we've been together, I've never seen him like this. I really have no place else to go anyhow. The car is 7 miles away broken down. My parents flat out said I can't come to their house regardless of what problems I have. I don't have any friends anymore because I've been too busy dealing with home life and trying to find work that it just hasn't been possible to be social. My options are sleeping here, or sleeping in my cold, wet garage. I live 45 minutes away from the nearest town, 2 miles down a dirt road.

Plus, what kind of wife would I be if I took off when he needed me most? I promised to be here for better or worse, sickness or health. He's been there for me when I was really ill, would it be right for me to ditch him when he's ill?

I wish I could offer a really great suggestion, but all I can tell you from my own experience of going through an ''everything is shit'' phase is that there's really not a lot that you can do to make him see the light. It's unfortunately one of those inner journeys that he has to travel through himself. It doesn't mean you should stop trying and being positive yourself, however. For me, there was no magic button that changed things. I very simply just got sick and tired of feeling that way. There's only so long one can sit at the bottom of a hole before something's gotta give. I chose to look up and crawl out of it, but everyone's different....

I think some of his depression may be centered on the changes to come as much as money. I've heard the men during pregnancy are often more worried about money matters more than the women. He could be going through a real phase of that as he adjusts to things. Being the hopeful and optimistic person that you are, I'd say the best bet is to cling to this notion - that it will get better as he adapts and gets over the hump.

Do you think he might be lacking something in his life to help boost the happiness quotient, like a fulfilling hobby or close friendships?

I know it doesn't help you, though, as I'm sure it must be hard to work not only to be pregnant but to try to cheerlead your husband when you could really do with the roles being reversed there! As someone else suggested though, do you think he'd be interested in some counseling, or even a great self-help book, something like that? Does he have any kind of religious/spiritual basis upon which he forms his perception of the world?

Some people really like sitting in their darkness and get mad at someone who tries to shine a light on them..sounds like he's going through a bit of that at the moment, but I, being an optimist too, would like to think that this is merely a passing phase and he'll snap out of it at some point. Sooner rather than later, I would hope!

He definitely won't see anyone about it. He is 38 and hasn't been to a single doctor since he was 5. (must be nice to never get sick!) He has friends, but he won't hang out with them at the moment. One f them shows up at his work about once a week and hangs out with him, which is nice of him. It just breaks my heart to see him like this when I know things are going to get better.

He's at the army reserve recruiting office right now taking the entrance test and seeing how things would work if he signed on... I'm praying that it ends so well that he comes home happy. The reserves give you a huge sign on bonus if you do well on the test. It would fix everything but he would be gone for 4-6 months. He's scared to leave me alone that long, but I keep telling him to do what he needs to do and we will be here safe and sound when he returns. It will completely suck, but i'm prepared to do it if that's what it takes.