I've just got my letter through for the 12 week scan and obstetricians booking appointment.

The letter arrived on my doormat at 11 this morning. The appointment was scheduled for 8.30 this morning.

I've rung the hospital and the midwife but all I'm going to get is a shitty note on my file blacklisting me as uncooperative.

I just don't think I can go through with another doctor touching me.

I can't face turning up.

Would they get the police to force me to see an obstetrician?

Could they?

I'm seriously, honestly thinking of leaving the country, just to get the NHS all off my back.

They say my heart problems are putting my baby at risk. Their constantly touching me, meddling with me is putting us both at even greater risk.

I wish they didn't know where I lived.

Hi

I'm sure they couldn't mark it down as your fault if letter has only just arrived.

I hope you get things sorted

xx

Hun Most Dr's Dont Want Too Touch And Fiddle With You For No Reason, Just Try And Remember Its For The Health Of Your Baby Too. Hope You Get Things Sorted, Plus Thats Not Your Fault You Got The Letter Late...! Silly Buggers!! xx

I would b mad love but u can't give up here at all you really need 2 speak 2 someone else at the hospital and get this sorted out!

Look after yourself! This is not your doing so u can't get in trouble!

x

You really need to let them do the checks for bubba - if nothing else and you refuse medical treatment for yourself. You do however have the right to make your own choice about things, but there is a great debate about when your child starts to have rights of it own. I know you are having a horrible time of it, but dont stress yourself about being blacklisted, Im sure they will be able to sort out something for you soon xxx

Hi Hun,

Gutted to hear you're having another shitty day! I don't know if this will be any help and it was a totally different situation but a couple of years ago a friend of mine was going through another painfull round of IVF, her parents had split up, hubby had been made redundant loads of shit going on and she came to me and said she felt like no one understood what she was going through, the docs weren't the most supportive and the ivf was so intrusive it was driving her nuts - she asked for advice.

Well at 23 I didn't have a clue but I did tell her that years ago when I had my own shit going on & I felt like I couldn't cope anymore I decided to allow myself a few days grace and let myself hit rock bottom. I put a time limit on it gave myself till monday the next week, went to bed, ate shit, didn't even shower, felt sorry for myself, decided no one understood and that the world was against me; then on monday I got up literally washed it all away and turned into super confident I'm gonna solve all my problems superwoman - it worked!! Amd it worked for my friend too!

Think about giving it a go - you might find yourself with a new perspective and the strength that you need to keep your peanut and yourself healthy and strong and be able to deal with the quacks! (maybe even write that book you talk about on your blog???)

I could be waffling shite but surely anything is worth a go??

Fe xxx

Thanks, everyone. And Phoebe, that's an intriguing suggestion... nothing else is quite working so I'll give it a try.

It's not that I'm unaware of the risks of refusing medical care. I'm a researcher working in health, so I understand all too well the concept of such dangers. But the problem is that, too me, doctors and hospitals feel such terrifying places. I feel as though I'm keeping the baby safest by keeping him/her away from medical interference. And yet I know that the NHS won't buy that, and so I'm trapped...

I get you hunni, when my mum had cancer she went through exactly the same feelings the only experiences of hospitals/doctors she had were negative (was miss-diagnosed with cancer for over 5 years) so was terrified; luckily though she ended up with the best consultant in his field and all turned out for the best.

I also get that without them having much of a clue about your condition you must feel like your being poked about with for the fun of it! Bit like they are using you to understand more about the condition than having your best interests in mind.

Anyway follow your heart hunni - at night when you close your eyes and try to sleep your only answerable to yourself! Stay strong.

xxx

Thanks for understanding.

At the moment, I just can't face setting foot in a hospital.

I spoke to the midwife, who was very kind. But the obstetrician is still far too busy and important to see me at home, or even at the GP practice.

So I can't... I just can't...

I think I'm just going to have to end up giving birth alone at home unassisted. I know it could kill both me and the baby. But know that being in hospital would definately kill us both...