I was adopted as a baby through a closed adoption. When I came of age I met my birthmother.

I am very very close with my Mom (adoptive mother). She was never able to have her own baby and I am very excited to share the birth of our baby girl with her. I do not want her to have to share the experience with my birthmum.

HOWEVER, birth mother has become very adamant about being there. Calling herself grandma. And while she can barely afford rent she is busy buying expensive gifts for baby. I feel that perhaps she is trying to ensure that I feel I HAVE to invite her to the birth. She e-mailed me telling me that she will be be flying out around when the baby is due, and has already bought a ticket.

I do not want to exclude her completely. She was never able to have children after she gave me up, so I feel that this is giving her joy and I do not want to deny her that.
I am just not sure how comfortable I am with her being deeply involved.
She is a good person. But she says things that make me uncomfortable, calling me her daughter etc. and I'm afraid that she will hurt my Mommy's feelings.

It is a very sensitive issue, and I was wondering if anyone here has personal experience with balancing the needs of birthparent and real parents.

I'm not so much looking for opinions from people with no adoptive experience, please just if you have personal experience.

Hi

I was adopted as a baby and I am really close to my adoptive mother. I can't really comment on the issues you have as my real mother died when I was 15. If I was in your situation I would speak to your real mother and explain, as gently as you can, that you want her to be a part of your babies life but that she must understand that by giving you up for adoption she gave you a new mother. She should be happy that you have a great relationship with your adoptive mother as this just shows that it was the right thing for her to have done for you at the time, iykwim??

Whatever you do don't let your adoptive mother be pushed to the side, she is your MOM and always has been. She is the one who was there when you were ill or upset etc.

My mom was always very supportive of me finding my real parents, (I never met my mom as she had passed away, but did meet my real dad) she helped me through every step of tracing them. But I would never want her to feel left out, that would break my heart. Have you spoken to your adoptive mother and explained how you feel?

Sorry for the long post, and for probably not being much help!!

Hiya,

It must be hard when you have a complicated extended family! I dont have any personal expereince but I wanted to say that our NCT antenatal teacher said its really important to start as you mean to go on with family realtionships and boundaries. I think the poster above is exactly right saying you need to speak to your birth mum.

My cousins are adopted and I know it has been hard for them to negotiate the politics with thier birth mum and mum (adoptive mum). Maybe have your mum with you and have your tummy mummy at a bit more of a distance without excluding her? Your mum could take pictures/video clips for you at the birth (if you are planning on having her with you) which would be a lovely record for you and give her a really important role while also giving you the opportunity to share the event in a more 'distant' way with your birth mum after the event.

Maybe thank your birth mum for her generosity and say how pleased you are she is going to be coming to visit. Let her know your going to have a bonding period with the baby after it is born and you will let her know as soon as your ready for visitors that the baby has been born. The advanatge of giving birth in hospital is visiting hours!

It was helpful, what you wrote....(we are due at similar times as well I am 22 weeks 3 days !)

I have talked a bit with my adoptive mother and my worry is that she wants to be accommodating but I don't want her to feel that she must be. This is HER time to be a grandmother.

My birthmother made an incredibly hard decision, that she has struggled with. But it is true. When you give a child up for adoption you are giving them a new life and new parents FOREVER, not just for the first 18 years.

It has been suggested by some people that I be "friends" with her. However there are no set guidelines for this. What kind of parameters does one set if you want to move forward in a more friendship kind of relationship? I think we both have different interests. She still has a maternal need to fulfill and I already have a mom.

Mummy Peanut ...haha yes visiting hours are good!
I am betting that to a certain extent, all mothers-to-be have unique complications regarding pregnancy and familial obligations.
I do like the suggestion to invite "tummymummy" AFTER bonding time. That gives MY Mom time to imprint baby too
Then my birth mother can meet her, but perhaps we can have a set timeline. Is it unfair to request that she just call herself an "Auntie" rather than a "Grandma"? or would this be a decent compromise?

Maybe you should look up about baby moons? Its like a lie in period for you and the baby that you could include your family in. It might give you the time line youre looking for and make it easier for your birth mum to accept a delayed introduction.

http://www.thegreenparent.co.uk/arti...of-a-babymoon/

I think auntie is a perfectly resonable compromise. Do you call ur birth mum 'mum' or do you call her by her first name? I can see what you mean about using grandma....its something really symbolic and quite powerful. Maybe youre not ready yet and thats completely understandable. Plus your mum may feel she is loosing something.

The other thing i was thiking was do you have a life story? my cousins both have them from thier adoption - its like a book that they were given when they were children explaining their life hsitory. If you do maybe its something you could use to reassure your birth mum that although she wont be grandma the baby will undersatnd who she is. If you dont have one maybe now would be a nice time to create one with your mum and your birth mum for the baby. You dont have to make it about the adoption, it can just be about 'family'....like a picture book...you can get books made up of photos at jessops.

xx

I call my birth mother by her name. Hence, I prefer that my child follow suit.

You can never have too many aunties!

The Babymoon is a perfect way to procure private bonding time! I like that this time has a name.

Still it will be hard to make the request that she "delay" her visitation.

Well we tried. Birth mother did not go for it at all. She wants all or nothing. She has actually scared me and my family with some of her public comments. I ended up calling my adoption agency for support and it is their suggestion that I cease contact entirely and contact the police.

wow!! Well you will never feel like you didnt try. She should respect your boundaries. I hope it works out ok for you and you can find a way to amke this work in a way your happy with, whether thats cutting contact or something else.

xxx

Sorry to hear that. It's a shame when things don't work out, but at least you tried your best. I am sure you will be just fine with just your mum there for you. At least you have a great relationship with her that can carry on without you having to worry that she is being pushed out.

Hope it all works out for you.x.