Not sure if this is the right place to post this.... (sorry if it's not)

But the amazing birth story got me thinking...

Even for months on I don't think I am over the disappointment of my birth, don't get me wrong I am overjoyed that it gave me my beautiful son but I find the I am really jealous of people's wonderful births and they hurt terribly.

I have a friend who I went to school with who has just given birth and although I don't know the details I know that she was at an aquafit class on Monday evening and gave birth Tues morning - so far I can't bring myself to say congratulations.. and I hate myself for that.

I wanted a very natural birth with as little intervention as possible - personally I wanted a home birth but my husband wasn't too keen so we agreed on a hospital birth after seeing our local one, and that they promoted homeopathic pain relief. Anyway I went overdue and had to be induced - I left it for as long as was deemed safe, but was given the pessary and that put me into labour, after having my hind waters broken it all slowed and I was put on the drip until they realised that my forewaters hadn't broken so they broke them and it speed up - I say speed up I had been in labour for 30 hours at this point! Anyway they kept talking about sections and stuff as it was all happening very slow, but I insisted on trying, so was allowed to push for 2 hours until they said that there was no way he was coming and it ended in an emergancy section. The staff were great and I was allowed to move as much as possible (even when I was hooked up) listen to my music and only had gas and air. Although I couldn't have him straight to my chest my husband had that privildge and I couldn't keep the cord uncut for as long as I wanted (in fact barely any time!!), but I still feel that as much as possible they allowed me to have a close to a birth as possible.

I wonder if this has effected my relationship with my son - I do think that it did for the first few weeks, and I still feel like a failure.

I have been told that I can try for a VBAC next time, although because of the issues they wouldn't recommend a home birth, but they have only given me a 60% chance of success - which I though was pretty good, until I mentioned this to the doc at the 6week check who said "no - most women are closer to 90%!)

So anyway, sorry for the ramblings (it does feel quite good to get it off my chest)... but I just wonder if I am alone here?

Ive moved this to Postnatal support for you hun.

i didnt get the birth i wanted at all and it upset me alot but these things happen.

i was treated badly by the hospital i had zane at so that effected me alot more after i had my son compared to not getting the birth i wanted and i dont think it effected me bonding with my son.
even tho the birth i had wasnt bad at all compared to alot of ppl its the hospital thats put me off wanting anymore babies, but i hope i get over that.

hiya, just to give you some hope my friend had a crash section with her first. then a vaginal delivery in hosp with her second and with her third she had a home birth :-) birth trauma is very serious and can effect how you bond with your baby. it sounds as though you are doing really well though. have you thought of contacting your midwife and asking her for a chat to go over your birth to see if together there is anything you can put to rest? if you want to chat give me a shout x

Hey hun you arent alone feeling like that.

I didnt even get chance to push, I'm having counselling to help me move past what I feel I have lost.

Check out this thread...
Traumatic births

There are a few ladies who also went through a labour/birth/delivery that was less than ideal

Mine wasn't easy. (posted in the traumatic births). It took me a while to get over it. I thought this would be the last time & Having more children is not for me.

Dont worry hun, u'll get over it.

It takes time..

Hey hun, I'm sorry you feel so disappointed and sad and that you didn't get the birth you wanted. I had a pretty horrendous experience too, you're not alone. My friend texted yesterday morning to say she'd gone into labour (she was having a homebirth) and I felt so jealous and sad then I felt terrible for feeling anything other than excitment for her.

I had all the feelings that you are experiencing and it's absolutely to be expected - there are so many thoughts and feelings and emotions to try and work through which will all take time. You're so far from a failure, you've done an amazing thing in birthing your son, even if it wasn't the way you anticipated. You tried your very best to have the birth you wanted but sadly, it was taken out of your hands. It was beyond your control and there was nothing you could do to change that so please don't feel you've failed. It's all still so fresh and raw and you need to work through your feelings slowly. Talk, talk, talk about it whenever you can to whoever you feel comfortable with - it's the first step to emotional healing.

Any hey, 60% chance of success with VBAC means the odds are on your side, it's great news I know it feels like a terrible blow to you but noone can ever be guaranteed 100% success with any vaginal birth, VBAC or not so 60%'s not bad going at all.

And as for affecting the relationship you have with your son - you're bound to be concerned about this after what you've been through but I feel pretty sure that futher down the line when you've de-cluttered your head about it all, you'll be closer than ever to your little boy because of what you went through together. My friends mum is a psychotherapist and I went to see her for a chat shortly after the birth just to help me try and identify some of the things I was feeling, it really helped. Are you in the position to be able to do this at some point?

Feel free to PM me (that goes for anyone that feels they want to talk),
Els x

You can't even imagine how heartbroken I am about my labour and delivery. It was a such a fucking joke that I can't even write it down.

I can deffinatly sympathise with you hun xxxx

You are not alone. I had a planned home birth. Didn't dilate at all, transferred to hospital. Even with an epidural and pitocin, I still didn't dilate and ended up with a c-section. Talk about getting the exact opposite of the birth I wanted. My son is 20 months old, today, and I still think about his birth and how painful it was. As sad as it is to admit, when I think of his birth, there is no joy, I shut down when they wheel me to the OR, and it is just a blank bright memory that is cold, and sterile. It's taken me long time to come to terms with it, and I don't know that I ever really will. But I plan to have my next baby at home, and try again. That is all I can do. I have a beautiful healthy, happy son. That's most important in the end.

Thanks Samantha.. You are right.. the most important thing is to have a healthy baby at the end.. and I do thank god every day that I have that!
xx