Beckic

Hi

One of my best friends went for her 12 week scan this morning and was told that the baby had died at 9 weeks.

I feel awful for her - and just want to be able to help her in anyway I can.

I was wondering whether anyone had any advice, talking from experience, of things that their friends / family did that helped them.

Is there any practical advice / info I can give her.

I just want to be able to take away her pain.

Bx x x

Loo

Hi Beckic

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I think everyone is different, so you'll probably just need to be flexible to her needs.

We had a very similar situation to your friend.

THere were people I wanted to talk to about it and people I wanted to avoid (or at least not discuss it with them) and I pretty much actively sort out those I wanted to be around. This wasn't necessarily based on my level of friendship with them, but more to do with their own experiences etc

Sometimes I wanted to talk about it all the time and sometimes I wanted to pretend it hadnt happened and to just talk about 'normal things'. Especially by the time I'd had a few phonecalls from well-meaning friends and relatives all asking the same questions...

So youve really just got to play it by ear! Remember you can't 'make it ok' for her, you can only be there for her. So, make sure she knows you are there if she needs you...and then leave the rest up to her.

PS someone has posted a similar query quite recently and some of the girls gave some lovely advice, so have a hunt through and see if you can find the thread

superp123

What a good friend you are!! Seriously, brought me to tears.
I think that the best thing I've heard, is what my sis said to me, "I'm so sorry sweetie that this has happened to you, I love you and don't know what else to say." That was really nice to hear and it has stuck with me. It was honest and coming from the best place. Don't pretend it didn't happen, and try not to push either, thats probably the best advice I can give. Acknowledge that it's happened and leave it open for her to discuss when she's ready.

I could provide a list of like 101 things she won't want to hear... but I'll just leave a few.

"what happened/do they know why?"
"these things happen..."
"its your bodies way of saying something wasn't right."

althought these comments are most times well meaning they really do echo, and hurt.
Good luck hun and to your friend.
P

Loo

OMG!!!! I had forgotten people said to me "why did it happen/what was the cause/do they know why" etc

That drove me INSANE!!! well-remembered superp123

mkmum

i know its harsh but i couldnt bare telling family and friends, so what i have done is put a message on my messenger " bad news at scan, dont want to talk about it" i know that prob wasnt the best way, but its my way to deal with it.

what im trying to say is, all people are different, but me personally, i really dont want to talk about it to family and friends, so just wait till your friend is ready to talk about it.

sorry if that didnt make sense. xx

todteach

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I'm really glad that you're wanting to be supportive her. That is wonderful. I found this on http://boards.babycenter.ca

Information for Friends and Family
Responding to Grieving Families

What to Say

"I'm sad for you."
"How are you doing with all this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here and I want to listen."


What NOT to Say

"You're young, you can have others."
"You have an angel in heaven."
"This happened for the best."
"Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby."
"There was something wrong with the baby anyway."
Call the baby a "fetus" or "it".

How Friends and Family Can Help

Listen
Touch
Cry with the family
Offer to furnish a meal, to clean the house, do the laudry, drive the car pool, etc.
Attend the funeral
Remember them on their baby's due date, birthday, and death day anniversaries.
Never forget

I hope this helps you.
Take care