Hi...

We went for our 20 week scan to find out baby had Hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain) we were distraught and I was off for 2 weeks while we had tests and started to try and accept what was going to be our loss. I had booked holidays for 2 weeks and this is how i spent them. I was supposed to return to work on Jan 4th but we knew i was going to have to let the baby go.. i went into hospital and gave birth Jan 10th and haven't been back to work since (yet) The Government wrote to me and offered me my normal maternity leave (16 weeks) and I am due to go back May 3rd. At first everyone was like "It will be good to see you back to work... in the next couple of weeks?" and i thought "why should i?" I gave birth to my baby at 24 weeks... I had contractions, I had pain and I gave birth like anyone else did... I was the one in surgery because the placenta stuck and had to have it surgically removed and I was the one who had to hold my dead baby while all those around me were giving birth and holding their crying babies. I was the one that had to arrange my baby daughters funeral... so yeah my maternity leave is not so I can bond with my baby, its so I can try and get over this awful loss, take some time out, visit the clinics to talk about another round of IVF and hopefully be able to go back to work pregnant again. Do i feel guilty? Do I feel like I am cheating them a little? To be honest, a little yes. BUT i was offered Mat leave for a reason... that this is procedure in these types of cases and therefore I should be entitled to take this time... I did all that but all I have now is some ashes to resemble my daughter so no, in some ways I think why the hell should i go back? If I had gone full term and the baby was stillborn then, would they be expecting back then? I doubt it... I dont think for one minute that they think im at home having a whale of a time. What happened haunts me every minute of every day and im just trying to cope and get by and keep busy to numb the pain that will be with me for every other day in my whole entire life...

Wanting to sleep all day is a sign of depression... some days i do this myself, of course I am depressed, who wouldn't be? But would it be right to return to work depressed, edgey, angry and demotivated? Probably not, so thats why i haven't really.

My point is.. take as much time as you need, this experience we have been through is awful and devastating and there is no limit or timescale on it. If your not ready to go back... don't hun. Its ok for people to say go back to work and you will feel better and some people do this and do feel better for doing so, others dont cope as well. For me, personally, I want to take some time out... we still have to collect our daughters ashes next Thursday and this will set off a whole new bunch of emotions I am already scared to think about. Hubby has been depressed, our relationship in turmoil with me having to watch him breakdown, hardly able to support myself and certainly not able to support him as well. Its not just as simple as accepting a loss, its way deeper than that. So sorry for your loss and big hugs