Dear Chloe and Leo,

I never felt you breathe.

I never heard your first cry, piercing, melodic, like tubular bells. I never touched your skin, peach-soft, silk, satin, barely felt beneath my fingertips.

I never saw the black silk I imagined your hair would be, nor did I inhale the soap and talcum powder that would’ve been your scents, early on, when I coated you in purity and love and warmth and safety.

I never looked into your eyes, abysses, oubliettes, wide open spaces where love would be placed. Pure. Unconditional. Newborn-blue, like when the day is born from night, deep-blue, ocean blue.

Royal blue, for you were to be my Prince and Princess.

I never saw you look at me, your mother, as the first living thing your angel’s eyes took in.

I never saw you –

-but, i feel you. In my soul, I feel you. I grew you from seeds to flowers, wonderful, living things that never die. That never leave. That nestle within and grow roots and strength to decorate the empty space you left behind.

My babies, I feel you in every sunrise, every morning that breaks, every wave of every thought, every daydream that breaks when it hits my open shores.

I feel you in the space between awake and asleep, in that gentle whispering time when things are real and unreal and dreams are so vivid that they can be touched and tasted and felt; felt so tangibly that they can make me laugh and cry and ache and tingle.

I hear you.

I hear you as my eyes drift closed, as my lashes paint arches over my cheekbones and my mind wanders to that secret place where you are still with me; where you never ceased to be. I imagine I hear your first steps, staccato patters over a wooden floor. Your first laughs, giggled hiccups, hitched and beautiful.

I imagine you lying in each others arms, stroking each others faces with miniscule fingers and tiny, rice-grain toes.

I imagine you blowing bubbles as I encase myself in one; a bubble to keep the rest of the world out; a bubble of happiness that never quite managed to be.

Sometimes, when my day turns to silence and my consciousness seeps away I imagine you watching me.

I hope you love what you see.

Tonight, I look up at the sky and my eyes chase the stars. I try to imagine you sleeping, your beautiful faces pressed against pillows of white cloud, blanketed in love.

At dawn, I will blow you a kiss and the sunlight will draw it in. I imagine my kisses being delivered to you on a white ray of light, penetrating the darkness, imagine my words of love as fingers stroking your soft hair whilst you sleep and giving you warmth when you awaken.

It is warmth that I cannot give.

It is warmth that I would die to give.

Sometimes, I feel an ache in my arms, a heaviness that sets deep into muscle and bone. I imagine you lying there, nestled against my breast listening to a heartbeat that tried to keep you living; pressed against a body that wanted nothing more than to give you life.

I try to imagine that you’re with me, walking beside me, living through me as you never got to live.

I hope that you are with me; that you never leave me.

My love for what you never got to be knows no boundaries.

Love,

Mummy

_______

Just three weeks to my due date.

I felt ready to talk to them.

so beautiful, many hugs and much love

gorgeous x x x

What a beautiful letter.

how very, very beautiful! thanks so much for sharing!

Just beautiful, I am so sorry xxx

That is so beautiful! hugs!

That's really beautiful. I hope you find the strength to get through this incredibly difficult time. I'm sure the presence of your little angels will help you. Big

beautiful and heartbreaking xxxxxxxxx