Spouses or partners dealing with loss

shaerichelle · Jan 28th, 2010, 19:35 PM

My DH and I found out last weds that we were finally pregnant after me dealing with hell in my cycles and other things. Thursday the test was darker but still faint. I was so excited I knew I was having some of the symptoms..he was coming home from his trip. I never saw him smile and light up and he touched my belly and said I knew you were pregnant. It was so nice. Later that night I started spotting and by Friday it was heavy and it hurt. Later that night he told me I was never pregnant. I have been crushed. I dont have his support through this and he still thinks I am not pregnant.:cry

Has anyone ever had this issue with their partner?

aviolet · Jan 28th, 2010, 20:13 PM

I'm so sorry. I didn't really have a partner when I lost my LO, but I'm sure some other women here can lend their experience.
all I can say is he wasn't in your shoes... so men typically don't have that immediate bond we do... he doesn't feel your symptoms, your pain, your bleeding... you're as close to the situation as you could possibly be and he is still just a bystander... sometimes for a person in that place it's easier to go into denial because what little evidence there was of a new life has faded quickly and few people ever knew it existed. what is important is that you try to communicate, believe what you know to be true in your heart, and maybe with some time he will open up and listen and understand you and see the situation with clearer eyes.
lots of hugs

shaerichelle · Jan 28th, 2010, 20:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aviolet

I'm so sorry. I didn't really have a partner when I lost my LO, but I'm sure some other women here can lend their experience.
all I can say is he wasn't in your shoes... so men typically don't have that immediate bond we do... he doesn't feel your symptoms, your pain, your bleeding... you're as close to the situation as you could possibly be and he is still just a bystander... sometimes for a person in that place it's easier to go into denial because what little evidence there was of a new life has faded quickly and few people ever knew it existed. what is important is that you try to communicate, believe what you know to be true in your heart, and maybe with some time he will open up and listen and understand you and see the situation with clearer eyes.
lots of hugs

Aww thank you

That was the most help I have had in a week. Im trying to understand his shoes its just hard. I just dont understand how he can flip so fast. Thank you so much for your response

aviolet · Jan 28th, 2010, 23:13 PM

You are very welcome

I can see what you mean about his flipping so fast, I truly think it's a defense mechanism - you just found out you were pregnant and so soon after you lost your baby, you both barely had time to celebrate and now you are mourning. As I said, sometimes it feels less painful to deny it ever happened at all - but sooner or later reality has to catch up, and I really think it would be beneficial for him to talk about it, to get passed that stage and into another that acknowledges the life and death with you so you can support one another and heal together. Either way you know you have support here

Livia · Jan 29th, 2010, 05:34 AM

Sorry for your news! Sounds like a very early loss - like a chemical. It's very common, unfortunately - they say perhaps as much as 60% of pregnancies. But barring a false positive, you *were* pregnant, if only briefly.

I think the problem with men in general is they're not raised to sympathize with others, nor comfort them. Tough when you're in need in comforting, I know... And like aviolet said.. they are usually quick to get on the defensive. If otherwise he's a nice man that loves and supports you, I'd say just try to ignore his breech of etiquette...

I have the opposite problem, actually. I'm rather regular, so being just a bit off worries me like crazy but he doesn't think it's such a big deal, because his previous partner was irregular (and still had children).

Not sure how long you've been trying but if not long I'd say spoil yourself a bit, then relax for a while and the pregnancy might just come anyway

Jan 28th, 2010, 19:35 PM	#1
shaerichelle Mum (Mom) Inactive Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Maine Posts: 7,427	Spouses or partners dealing with loss My DH and I found out last weds that we were finally pregnant after me dealing with hell in my cycles and other things. Thursday the test was darker but still faint. I was so excited I knew I was having some of the symptoms..he was coming home from his trip. I never saw him smile and light up and he touched my belly and said I knew you were pregnant. It was so nice. Later that night I started spotting and by Friday it was heavy and it hurt. Later that night he told me I was never pregnant. I have been crushed. I dont have his support through this and he still thinks I am not pregnant.:cry Has anyone ever had this issue with their partner?

Status: Offline

Jan 28th, 2010, 20:13 PM	#2
aviolet Other Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: USA Posts: 2,129	I'm so sorry. I didn't really have a partner when I lost my LO, but I'm sure some other women here can lend their experience. all I can say is he wasn't in your shoes... so men typically don't have that immediate bond we do... he doesn't feel your symptoms, your pain, your bleeding... you're as close to the situation as you could possibly be and he is still just a bystander... sometimes for a person in that place it's easier to go into denial because what little evidence there was of a new life has faded quickly and few people ever knew it existed. what is important is that you try to communicate, believe what you know to be true in your heart, and maybe with some time he will open up and listen and understand you and see the situation with clearer eyes. lots of hugs

Status: Offline

Jan 28th, 2010, 23:13 PM	#4
aviolet Other Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: USA Posts: 2,129	You are very welcome I can see what you mean about his flipping so fast, I truly think it's a defense mechanism - you just found out you were pregnant and so soon after you lost your baby, you both barely had time to celebrate and now you are mourning. As I said, sometimes it feels less painful to deny it ever happened at all - but sooner or later reality has to catch up, and I really think it would be beneficial for him to talk about it, to get passed that stage and into another that acknowledges the life and death with you so you can support one another and heal together. Either way you know you have support here

Status: Offline

Jan 29th, 2010, 05:34 AM	#5
Livia Other Active BnB Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Back in the UK Posts: 199	Sorry for your news! Sounds like a very early loss - like a chemical. It's very common, unfortunately - they say perhaps as much as 60% of pregnancies. But barring a false positive, you were pregnant, if only briefly. I think the problem with men in general is they're not raised to sympathize with others, nor comfort them. Tough when you're in need in comforting, I know... And like aviolet said.. they are usually quick to get on the defensive. If otherwise he's a nice man that loves and supports you, I'd say just try to ignore his breech of etiquette... I have the opposite problem, actually. I'm rather regular, so being just a bit off worries me like crazy but he doesn't think it's such a big deal, because his previous partner was irregular (and still had children). Not sure how long you've been trying but if not long I'd say spoil yourself a bit, then relax for a while and the pregnancy might just come anyway

Status: Offline

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