Yesterday was the first chance I got to sit and actually think about everything, and it hit me that it had happened again. It was only a week ago I was in Mothercare looking at boys clothes and talking about "feelings on the sex." I found it so hard to let myself believe it would be alright after last time, but something told me it would be alright. Quite clearly I don't know my body very well at all. I still feel sick, and I'm still so tired, but digi says I'm not pregnant anymore, so it definately is over my body is just toying with me.

I keep getting distracted and forgetting my doctors appointments so they don't even know it has happened again yet. I know they won't care though. I'm 20 and have a baby already, why should I want another one?

Every time this happens I do appreciate Caitlyn so much more (if that's possible) and I love her so much. It's killing me that my body won't let me give her a little brother or sister, and that I don't deserve another baby. I hate myself for resenting other people and reading people moaning about the downside of pregnancy. I just... I don't know...

Jealousy is an evil thing, and resentment is even worse.

oh hon it's still very early honey, take your time, as long as you need, a loss is terrible perhaps try to take some time just you caitlyn and rich this weekend and please yourself a bit i do think going to your gp would be a good idea when your ready, maybe there's a nice gp at your surgery you feel more comfortable i'm sorry if they aren't very caring and once again sweetie, i am so sorry for your loss, just because you already have one baby doesn't matter it any easier honey, thinking of you xxxx

i feel exactly the same.

oh hun, its horrible.. and you're allowed to feel like this, its natural.. i still think about my angel babies. there is nothing to say you dont deserve another baby, or that you wont give Caitlin a little brother or sister, just maybe now isnt your time?! whatever you do, make sure you do have time to sit down and grieve.. no-one can tell you how to feel and it'll all come to you in your own time, but dont forget to have time for you xxx

But why isn't now my time? What's wrong with now? It's hard to accept the "your body might not be ready yet" line when people have two babies under 1, even though I know everyone is different, it's still hard to believe

It must be very hard! But you have to just keep thinking that your body WILL let you and maybe right now just wasn't the right time???

You should go do something nice for yourself today

i really wish i could answer all the questions hun...and make things all "better"! when i had both miscarriages, all i could do was sit and blame myself that my body had let me and the babies down.. what if i had done something different, would it have all been ok? but at the end of the day, i drove myself mad blaming myself and its the worst feeling in the world to know that it wasnt meant to be, i sat and questioned things all the time. but all i know is that although i still think about the what ifs, it has got better to deal with over time.. yes i will have 2 babies under 1, and i know that must be a real kick in the teeth to some people, and i hate knowing that people will feel like that! neither of these pregnancies have been straightforward and i've thought i was loosing them both at points. i know how hard it is at the moment, just dont forget to take time for you i really wish i could make it all better hun xx

Sorry I didn't even realise you'll have two under one, I wasn't aiming at you or anything it was a general comment x

Toria, I'm so sorry that you are going through this again. I have never met you and I was beyond excited for you when you announced your BFP. All I can say is that for some god forsaken reason, things like this happen in our lives and unfortuanetly there is no logic behind why your body isn't ready for another baby yet. I know it sucks; but you've got to somehow keep your head up and keep saying that "soon, it will be your time." I agree with some of the other posts I've read on this thread and another one...maybe taking a little bit of a break and stepping back and spending lots of time with Rich and Caitlyn during this Christmas season is what you need to boost your self-esteem back up. Then after the new year, start trying again.

I fully believe that your body is healthy and well enough to have another baby---you've just gotta get there. I don't think it would hurt to head to a family doctor/OBGYN and get a routine check up. Make sure everything is working correctly...maybe you've already done that? I know this is hard, but keep your head up. You have a wonderful family to be thankful for and one of these days, god will bless you with another little one. I fully believe it sweetie and you should too!