aviolet

I found out a week ago I was pregnant. The man who was the father is not someone who ... well, it just wasn't a good situation. Besides that I'm not someone who wants kids, so this was pretty scary. But when I found out I was carrying and I started researching about the life that was growing in me, it gave me a whole new perspective.
... Then on sunday I got a terrible migraine, and started cramping so bad, felt like I was in labor, even vomited, immediately I began bleeding, and there were clots and brown discharge. The awful contractions/cramping lasted for a handful of hours, and remained to a lesser degree throughout the night. I'm still bleeding today and cramping a tiny bit. I think I was probably about 5 weeks along.
... I want to tell someone - because naturally I want some emotional support.... but is it also strange that I want to celebrate the memory of my baby? i don't want it to disappear and be forgotten just because I'm too embarrassed to admit that I somehow got pregnant in the first place (he had worn a condom but apparently that made no difference). Just because God decided to call the baby home doesn't mean I can't love it and want to remember it. But I can't tell anyone and gain their emotional support without them freaking out for other reasons. yes I'm single and caring for a baby would've been hard, but the baby is gone now and I'd just like someone to hug me and honor the memory.
I decided to give him/her the name Justice, not because miscarriages could ever be "just" or "fair", but because the word also means "righteous" and I do believe all unborn babies go to a place of righteousness. My baby helped me realize a part of myself I didn't know was there, and s/he deserves a name, an identity.
So thank you for letting me share on this board, since I have no idea who, if anyone, I will be able to confide in about it. It's like I can't properly mourn because I have to act as though nothing has happened. It feels surreal enough as it is, to keep it hidden makes it feel even less real.

shocker

Im so sorry for your loss I was pregnant by my boyfriend and also while using protection.He broke up with me when i told him so i was going to be a single mum.I knew it would be hard but the love was overwhelming and my little angel changed my life for the better in so many ways.At 14 weeks 4 days he was gone and i was heartbroken.People knew i was pregnant but once they heard what had happened they never spoke of it, it was like those weeks had never happened.I found that if people did speak of it they spoke in a way that made it sound like i should be relieved or pleased that i was no longer going to have to raise a child alone.I didnt feel that way and it was infuriating, constantly being told that i could now do things like travel the world etc. I didnt and dont want any of those things i just want Rowan back, my loss is no less a loss because of the status of my relationship with his father.I think you should tell someone anyone that you can, perhaps someone you know has been through this? If you feel you cant then come on here and we will all do our best to support you through this.Have you been to the doctors? If not then you really should, you need a scan to ensure that this was a complete miscarriage as an incomplete one can make you very sick.Its also helpful because they will put it in your medical file so that when/if you decide to become pregnant again they will have those notes on your loss and it will help them make the next pregnancy easier by providing more scans/extra care/etc.Dont be embaressed about an unplanned pregnancy, you know yourself unplanned does not mean unwanted it just means the timing wasnt perfect.Your wish to honour your babies memory is perfectly normal, perhaps a memory box would help? you could put a little letter to them inside with a teddy.Or you could plant a tree for them, or donate to a charity in their name.I also felt i never wanted children but have since realised nothing in this world is as precious and that i want nothing more in my life than to be a mummy to a child in my arms, it changes your perspective on everything.I was so scared but so happy, hope your doing alright and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me

aviolet

I'm sorry to hear of your loss too. And that your boyfriend left you over that All those things people say - the excuses they make to try to "help" you feel better - it only makes things harder, that they can't just understand it from your perspective. This was a real human life, and it shouldn't be disregarded as any less, and definitely not as a burden that you should be "relieved" to be without. I only knew about my baby a week, I can only imagine how much harder it would be the more weeks I knew.

I don't know anyone who's been through anything similar... but I guess this happens a lot to women early on in the pregnancy and many don't even know it - which, by the way, doesn't help me feel any better about it, that just seems to be another excuse people come up with to help it "make sense" and seem natural. But a loss is a loss.

I lost my job and don't have insurance anymore so I can't afford to go to my usual doctor. Do free clinics do anything similar to what my doctor would do to ensure a complete miscarriage?

I guess what I'm mostly embarrassed about is how it happened/who it was with, I didn't even want to have sex with him, I just did it to avoid confrontation.

Thank you for the kind words and support - I love your ideas for honoring Justice's memory. I kept the pregnancy test, seeing it was almost like seeing a picture of the baby - the only "proof" I had of the life that was in me, making a memory box is a very sweet idea, just the thought of it makes me sort of teary-eyed. And planting a tree, donating, etc, those are things that hadn't even occurred to me, so thank you!

I only have one friend who actually has a child and he might understand a little about the pain I'm going through... but my other friends are single, or they're trying for a baby - last thing I want to do is tell someone who's trying that I've had and lost one... But maybe after the initial shock of it all passes I'll feel more able to try telling someone.

shocker

4 weeks or 40 weeks they're still a person, missed and loved.I think lots of people try and say the right thing but the truth is there are no words, its just indescribable.Its hard to get across to someone who hasnt been through it just how hard it is, i know before i always thought oh thats terribly sad but now ive been through it i realise that i had no idea just how hard it was.Im not sure about the insurance thing, theres free antenatal care here so it never cost anything.I think maybe go to a free clinic and see what they say they might be able to help or at least tell you where you could go.If your embaressed about who it was with then dont tell them, im sure your friends wont press you for the details if you just make it clear you dont want to tell them as the person isnt important to you.I hope your friend is helpful, none of my friends have children or are trying as theyre all busy with college but of everyone of them ive found that one of my male friends was actually the best about it.He didnt give up on me when i couldnt leave the house because i was so upset, he called round or txted and kept inviting me places even though i kept shutting him out.People surprise you at times like this i guess, my best friend stopped talking to me and only now after 5 weeks has txted me despite being at the scan with me.People dont know what to say and so end up saying the wrong thing or worse nothing at all.I hope you are doing ok and if you need anything you know where to come!

aviolet

thank u

I will keep all of that in mind. Strangely enough I think although a couple friends of mine would be greatly supportive (we're all college-age too) it's almost like it's me who has the problem with it - I can't handle telling anyone face to face or even over the phone or in a letter. I've tried, and every time I feel like I'd just be burdening them by asking for understanding and support. But... maybe in a week or two it'll be easier. Right now I don't want to go anywhere and it's really hard to interact with people. I want to open up and say what's happened but... I feel restricted. Just praying when I do tell someone it's someone who will be understanding and not judgmental.

thanks again. I'm really glad to have found this place.

aviolet

The bleeding started up again and I'm feeling those same horrible contractions I felt before. Thought this was over

Jolene

Oh hun, Im so sorry I really hope you can find someone to give you that comfort and support that you need right now. Shocker has really given you great advice. Although my family all knew about my pregnancy and was mourning my loss too, I still found a lot of comfort on this forum and it brought me through alot. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers

shocker

Thats ok, ive heard a lot of woman on here say the same kind of thing, they're struggling but dont want to burden people.Its not a burden to share this with someone, its a gift to share the story of your darling childs short life and im sure your friends will be there for you.I couldnt bare to tell anyone either and i was getting txts asking me how the scan went, i txted one friend and told her and asked her to please tell the others as i couldnt face it.My mum told the family as she was with me.Write it down, txt anyway you feel you can get it out, most people are understanding even those who say unkind things i have found dont mean to as they think theyre being comforting and just dont know what to say.I have found one of my friends has really come through for me when i never expected him to understand, hes single,gay and has no children and yet hes been there for me no matter how much i pished him away, people surprise you when you need them most

kelly2903

sorry to hear of your loss hun..... big hugs xxx

aviolet

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, it helps me to read them

I reached out to the father of the baby for the first time today, and although he seemed receptive then, when I tried a second time to talk to him for some follow-up emotional support (as the bleeding started again) he didn't answer his phone. I know he probably has to work out his own feelings, as it was sort of abrupt for him to find out he had and lost a baby in just a couple minutes, but ... I'd hoped he would at least send a text or something for support. I guess I'll give him time to process it and after a few days try to contact him again to see how he's getting along.

I still can't bring myself to tell anyone else - and actually I'm glad the father was the first to find out, even though I hadn't intended it that way. But I'm going crazy inside feeling so alone. I have one friend who I really want to get hold of and I'm hoping when he returns my call we can get together to talk about it, maybe I can lean on him. He's one of the world's best huggers I'm so grateful though for the hugs on this board just knowing people have read and are thinking/praying for me is a huge comfort It's nice to be where I'm understood.