Feeling so emotionally exhausted right now. Everytime I realize I need to cry again I just... I get more tired and feel more hopeless. I made myself go out last night which helped, but I really - REALLY - need to confide in my friends soon or I'm going to implode trying to pretend nothing happened. I'm forced to play the waiting game right now, having to wait for my one friend to get back to me before I decide if I'm going to tell anyone else.

I did start the memory box for Justice last night. Wrote a letter and a poem to him/her and I found a mini teddy bear (about 2 inches tall) my dad bought me many years ago, it's blue with a blue stone necklace for the month of October, which is when my birthday is, and it's when I conceived Justice, so I've decided to make Justice's birthday the night that led to his/her conception since I never had a due date. So I included the October teddy bear and also the pregnancy test result. It still looks sort of empty. I really wish I'd known if s/he was a boy or a girl

I hate feeling alone. I wish I could celebrate my baby and mourn the loss without having to explain or relive any of the other experiences that brought me to those moments. I love my family and friends but they can be nosy and I don't want them to judge me wrong or anything. So I'm just trying to be careful about when and who I tell.

I found the baby ring my parents bought for me when I was a baby - it's so small and delicate. I put it on a necklace to wear as sort of a quiet tribute to Justice.

Thanks again all for listening.

regardless of you being 5 weeks or in third tri honey the death of your baby hurts just as much...i hope you find words of comfort on here.As for a memory of your baby, most of us have tickers (they dont show up on miscarriage support). Iv found that helped with both my babies. And your baby would have been a boy.girl whichever you felt it was. Felt like my second was a girl, i knew my first was due to scans. Just cry let it out honey.
Also, maybe light a candle? i did that for both children and then again on the year date of when i lost my daughter i lit a pink candle and i wrote her a letter. Your baby knew you loved it and thats what matters.

pm me if you ever want to rant or ask me questions...girls on here are amazing they give you strength you didnt know you had

hugs and im sorry

Im glad to hear you started your memory box You can find out you your due date if you want, theres lots of online pregnancy calculators that can tell you from the day of conception. I hope your friends get back to you soon aswell, if you want to do something more for justice theres lots of ways.I know it can feel like nothing is enough to honour just how important your baby is to you I used to go to memorial masses run by Sands when my nephew passed away but i know the miscarriage association also do memorial masses and they are really moving.You could release balloons with a note to justice on them, you could get a memorial tattoo or you could get a piece of personalised jewellery from one of the sites that specialise in jewellery for babies lost before birth.The miscarriage association are very good and you can ring or email them if you need support or advice, bnb of course is also very good! I dont know how i'd have gotten through it without the help of the women on here

Thank you KA92! I saw the tickers! They are so neat, I immediately made one for myself and attached it to my signature, though like you said they don't show up in this forum.

I keep trying to have a "feeling" of whether Justice was a boy or a girl but my gut isn't telling me anything. I had a gut feeling when I just knew I was pregnant before I even missed my period, and it was so strong, i guess that's the kind of feeling I'm looking for when it comes to gender, and until I feel it I just can't come to a decision on it. I'm going to ask the father to come up with a middle name for Justice and... whatever he decides on - a boy name or a girl name (assuming he doesn't do as I did and make it a unisex name) then maybe that's what I'll consider the baby to be.

And thank you too Shocker You always come up with some really nice ideas. As soon as it's figured out what Justice's middle name is I'll look into some personalized memorial rings... I also googled for a due date calculator, looks like I might've been due July 27, 2010. I don't know why but that gives me kind of a sick feeling inside I wish I knew if the father cares as much as I do. I would hate to think when we go our separate ways (and we will) that he would forget about what happened. I'm sure deep down he never will forget, but he might push it away just to keep himself from feeling hurt. If only I had a photo of the baby to give to him to remember him/her by.

I also love designing my own tattoos so I should really look into doing that in memory of Justice.

i get what you mean i was told i was probably having a girl but it was too early for a definate...so i chose Jamie, boy or girls name...middle name is Louise though!lol...you have your baby in your heart thats all that matters hun

i wish you all the best darling always here if you need anything

thank u
I feel my heart tugging to give Justice the middle name "Miles" which is the father's surname. and I just found out Miles means "Uncertain, perhaps peaceful" ... perfect, right? I think it'll make him happy too - kind of give him a closer connection to his baby too. I wanted to give him a chance to name it, but I think this is so perfect and it won't put pressure on him if he can't handle it...

thats beautiful hun

thank you I hope he thinks so too. will tell him about the name in a few days from now, after he's had time to let everything sink in, and see what he thinks.

i'm actually starting to feel human again... i think this website has really helped so i don't feel so alone. my friend called me last night and said he would try to work out a time when he can come over. he wanted me to tell him on the phone why i was so upset but i just couldn't say something like that in a quick phone call. i need to be able to sit down and be held and talk to someone about it without feeling rushed or pressed for time. i really want for the first time ever to celebrate the life and mourn the loss with someone who *might* be able to understand why it's affected me so much. i'm really hoping he will understand, i'm kind of taking a stab in the dark by confiding in him. but we'll see. I just feel so much better today and hopeful about everything... don't know how long this feeling will last

So sorry for you loss

I'm really sorry hun. I know theres nothing anyone can say but if you can bring yourself to tell people I'm sure it will go better than you think - I can't say much as I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends so my OH rang them to tell them. I was surprised as everyone was really supportive and mostly really upset for our situation - if they're true friends I'm sure that will be the case. I'm 20 and at uni so I was worried how people would react too. I like your idea for a memory box, I hope it brings you a sense of peace. I put all my pregnancy stuff in a big box and put a note on the front saying, 'to our next baby, with love from your big brother or sister.'
Just know you can talk to any of us on here if you need to get things off your chest, talking really helps me xxx take care hun