For me the hardest part is having nothing to look back on. No scan pictures, not knowing if my 5 losses were boys or girls.....
Just having nothing physical to hold, no paperwork of any sort / pictures....just nothing, like they never were.

I would love to have a box of each of my losses with a scan pic (even if you can only see a blod), to know the sex and give them a proper name, to know why they didn't make it why they didn't grow into beautiful babies......

so many unanswered questions that i have to accept i will never know.

sorry i know this is a bit pointless but it kills me that i have nothing to remember them

xxxxxx

i completely agree knowing you can get pregnant but cant hold onto it - its a bit of a odd situation...

You know you can get pregnant but you know the odds are stacked so you carry on and bang its gone. I think (well for me and sorry if anyone gets offended by this) RMC can sometimes be worse than not being able to get PG becuase you go through all the feelings, seeing on scans, hormones etc and then its gone with no reasoning.

I think its easier if you havent seen scans becuase the two MC i have had where I have seen HB and heard it have nearly killed me and the others I have managed to overcome but those two I still think about EDD and plans and dreams etc.

I also think seeing docs after RMC is hard becuase you have to talk about them being real and docs look at you like you are making things up,I have yet to find a sensitive doctor. Nurses have been fabulous for me becuase they have gone through it with you etc.

I really hope 2010 is the year for you and me kid as we both need the break and fingers crossed with our appointments we may just make it ! xxx

This is not pointless, I understand where you are coming from, i was only 5/6 weeks when I m/c but I already felt like a mummy and like you say wish I had something physical to hold.

I'm sorry you have had to cope with 5 losses, I am barely coping with 1.

Best wishes. xxxxx

I think I can kind of relate to how you're feeling. I feel guilty posting because I actually do have a scan pic. I went for an u/s at 12 1/2 weeks and it was discovered that my baby had died around 10 weeks. I never did see my baby while it was alive but my scan pics are very precious to me. However, I can relate to the feeling that you're grieving something intangible. It helped my husband and I to make a memory box for Speck. We included our positive pregnancy tests, my journal, a book my husband read to my belly many times, e-mails and cards from family during the pregnancy and loss, a stuffed monkey, letters to the baby, etc.

I'll never have confirmation, but I felt from day one that my baby was a boy. We named him after my grandpa who passed away, and I tell myself that my granddad is taking care of my baby until I get there. Naming him really helped. Sometimes it helps to create something tangible to grieve an intangible loss, if that makes sense. Being a bit earlier on in your pregnancy, you might not have as many items, but that doesn't make it any less real.

I highly recommend making or finding something that is symbolic of your baby. I felt tearful doing this because I felt that I didn't even have a chance to meet my baby so how could I possibly pick something symbolic? But you do know your baby. Your love is all your baby ever knew, so the fact that you don't know his favorite color (or whatever) isn't important. Everything your baby experienced, he/she experienced through you. So pick something you feel your baby would have liked and go with that. Just writing a letter might help.

All the best, sweetie. I'm so sorry for your loss I hope that maybe something that I found comfort in will help you too.

thank you so much everyone i'm so glad im not being silly and it's a normal feeling
i might try to write down each experience so i never forget the memories i do have....,
like how i told oh, not sure what else but sure once i start thinking back it will flow back to me
i just hope next time is my time....i cant cope with anymore heart ache and dissapointment.....
here's to sticky babies for us all in 2010 xxxx

Laura this is not a pointless thread at all. One thing that used to really upset me was when people used to say things like well at least you can get pregnant - you are fertile...... but how does that help when you have so many losses on the trot for no explanation? It is really really hard.

I'm sending you big and I know that 2010 will be a better year xxx

Sending you loads of hun, and hoping you get your healthy bean very soon. You will always hold those babes in your heart - noone can ever take that away.

Hey Laura what happened to that 2010 PMA come on girl we are in this together race ya to that BFP ! x

i agree...im lucky in way that i was told at my 12 weeks scan i wa sprobably having a girl (somethgin due to the way she was lying they kinda got a good view) so i named her and kept her pics, and same with my last baby,i have a scan pic and i keep them in pouch under my pillow. But my memories are the ones that keep me going.
I wish you all all the best and sticky beans!

Oh Laura, this is so true.

I even phoned the hospital a couple of weeks ago asking if they had a scan photo I could have a copy of - long shot I know but I just wanted something. They did offer me one at the time they told me no heartbeat but I was so upset and dazed I said no. Really regret that now.

If I knew if this was a boy or girl I could name him/her then maybe the world will except that I was a mum even if for only a few weeks.

x