I'm normally a very positive person and I used to see adversity as something that makes you stronger, but I just can't feel like that anymore. Since childhood I've been battling the universe to overcome things. I work with young people with complex social, behavioural and emotional needs and their families and I know I've made a difference to the lives of people I've worked with. I love/d my job!

I went into the job to because of my own experiences and my ability to relate to so many the issues they were experiencing and make a difference. I've struggled with one of the people I work with since I started (almost three years ago) as he is very much a show man with very little substance and he said in the first week of me starting that I needed to "stop doing so much you're making the rest of us look bad". I didn't because I believe that neglected and traumatised children deserve more. I have worked really hard to try an build a relationship with him to work together and I told him some of the things that happened to me when I felt that we had made progress and he twisted what happened and lied to more senior leaders about me to gain a promotion. He has been inappropriate and unprofessional throughout and obsessive about having me in his life. I have continually worked with the senior leadership team to not have to make it into a legal issue. I frankly didn't want the stress as we were trying for a baby.

We had been trying for a year before I found out I was. I told the most senior leaders and a couple of close friends I worked with (because of the elements of danger my work entails) and explained that I didn't want him to know even though he was senior staff as he strongly believes the world revolves around him and has a very special and disturbing way of looking at things. The staff agreed not to tell him until I had to. When I told the head, he had been standing outside and walked in. The head changed topic and when he confronted her she told him that it was private. I then had three weeks of him interfering with everything I did and every conversation I had. The idea of not telling him because he would stress me out was negated by the fact I couldn't get rid of him and do my job. I told him and made it explicitly clear that he was not to stress me out and talk about it in front of others. His first response was to ask me if I was happy and when I told him of course I was he asked me if I was sure then said 'well it will probably be a difficult pregnancy because of you past and the scarring and all" I couldn't believe it, things I'd told him in confidence he was bringing up now! I told him to shut up and that he could leave me alone now that he knew.

The next day he was talking about my being pregnant in front of other staff and students and then three days later asking me when I'd know my due date so he could plan for it (I was just over 6 weeks). I then started spotting and went up to the EPAU and the checked things out and said I was to rest and avoid stress and keep my fluids up. I was violently throwing up from conception so they said that my hormone levels were nice and high and that it was a good sign. They said to monitor my bleeding and let my midwife know if it got worse, but it was probably just implantation bleeding. Both my sisters had bled throughout all five of their pregnancies. I had a couple of days off work (something I rarely do) and when I returned I had a scan and he again asked when I was due as the head of service wanted to know (this wasn't true as I'd spoken to her and he had a tendancy to use her name when he wanted something) and then asked me if I'd stopped bleeding!

I had my supervision with the head. I brought up that he needed to stop asking me about the pregnancy, dates and talking about it in front of others. The head then said that he would be warned about it and get a formal warning on his record if it continued as they were legally bound to look after me and confidentiality. She then said that it would be a good idea to do the risk assessment with him so he understood what needed to happen.

A few weeks later we did and it took two and a half hours of him fumbling around and attempting to convince me that he needed to share this with everyone. The next day to cut a long story short he created a situation that meant that at least four of the things on the risk assessment were broken and a created a situation with a friend at work that knew. Each time I told him there wasn't an issue he said there was and again lied to senior leaders making a minor issue into a drama and still continuing to as me about my due date. A few days later I was called to the office to be told off for something I couldn't have done (as I wasn't there to do it) and for getting upset with him over the risk assessment and the fact that is meant nothing to him. When I asked the head when she spoke to him about dates she said just before we did the risk assessment. I explained it had no effect and the rubbish he was spouting was yet another attempt to deflect from him own glaring inadequacies. I got very upset and left on the note that I could not afford to tell her anything about him as he would only make up something else to try and get me into trouble because in his petty world his bruised ego was more important than my life and the life of my child.

I had the next day off and the head rung me to check that I was alright and said that she knew that I was pissed off and that she was pissed off too. I explained that I hadn't slept all night as I had ran out of ways to work with him and that I couldn't believe what he had done. I explained that my heart rate was up and I felt like it was all going pear shaped. She had been great throughout and tried to reassure me that something would be done.

That night my bleeding got heavier and I rung the doctors that said to get a shower or bath and try to rest and see the doctor the next day for another scan and if it got worse to go to A and E. I got a shower then changed my pad and lay down. I then felt a shift and a gush of fluid (which I later learnt was my waters breaking). I then started bleeding heavily and went to A and E in the five minutes it took to get there I had filled a heavy use pad and soaked through my jeans, jumper and coat. When I got there I was seen by their triage nurse and then told I needed to wait for a bed to become available and monitor my bloodloss. eventually I was given a bed left to bleed there and pass clots. They did a urine pregnancy test and a nurse said that there was nothing to worry about I was still pregnant (I thought this was farcical, of course it would show pregnant and the speed at which I was bleeding was not something not to worry about. They eventually came to give me a drip after I had lost between three and four pints (most of them on the bad and floor I was on as I went back and fourth to the toilet to change pads invisibly apart from my blood trail to ensure I could find my way back to the bad). I was losing blood at the same speed as the drip was going in. I could barely walk or move and my partner was practically carrying me to the toilet to change pads. I had intermitent pain in my back (which I later learnt were 'mild' contractions). My partner asked a nurse if the doctors had all gone on a break as I had been lying bleeding for six hours with no doctor. Her response was "Oh love they're with the poorly people", yeah because I was the picture of perfect health!

Eventually the doctor came after they had finished dealing with the poorly people! He ushered my partner out and a nurse came in to do an examination and I became invisible! First he couldn't find where he was supposed to put the speculum, but the nurse kindly told him "Oh love you need to go lower than that" Then he said "She's bleeding too much I can't see a thing " and tried to pull it out still open before the nurse said "Oh love you need to undo that first" Then he said "I'll give it one more go...I'll try another angle" and then put it in again before saying "I cant do anything here until she stops bleeding...she'll have to be sent to surgical assessment...see if they can do anything with her". The doctor then went to speak to my partner about what he'd done and told him I'd be going to Surgical assessment. After a couple more hours waiting, the paramedics came to move me and I became visible again and they got me changed and fresh sheets. I then continued bleeding and being given drips as their policy is to only give transfusions when you get to less than half your blood until a nice doctor came and talked me through each step of the examinations. She was the first person to acknowledge I was pregnant with a baby not fetus. She said that baby was still there and that we needed to check that baby was ok with a scan. About 14 hours after getting to A and E I had the scan and I was inconvienient again. The woman did the first belly scan and said "sorry but there's no baby here!" We then explained that the last scan had been an issue as the baby had implanted near to my back so they needed to do an internal scan. She then said "well I don't really see the point but if you want to go and empty your bladder" I went inbetween convincing my partner not to shout at her for her insensitivity. When I came back they did it and My partner saw the outline of the baby but with no heart beat. I couldn't look. The doctor then came back and told me what it all meant, I knew but she was nice and all. She then said when she had the info from the scan we would know more. She came back and said that they needed to do what was called an evacuate of the products of conception and explained that it was horrible medical terminology and that basically the baby was still there and that I needed to have surgery to remove it. I had the surgery and had to stay in hospital because of the blood loss and my reaction to the general anesthetic.
I have to go back to have a polyp removed they found and I have a problem with my circulation and trapped nerves in my back from the experience, so I'm off work, aside from my ridiculous emotional state

I had never been so happy in my life, I felt like baby Jesse was my reward or a sign that things were changing and now it's all gone. I feel so lost I normally throw myself into work or something and I can't feel like my stressing over work is why I'm in this situation and I can't go back and face him. The doctor said that it could have been stress as it had symptoms of preterm labour but it was also very early so it could have been chromosomal
I have very few hobbies that involve low mobility and the ones I do have are getting tiresome! I want to move on and not feel like my world is over. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me I can't be happy! My partner wants to try again but I just feel broken I feel like I've had enough...full stop! I just can't take another knock...how much more am I to endure! I hate the way I sound now, I've never felt so defeated by life and it's not me! How come I can't be happy? How am I supposed to work with parents that are clueless and don't appreciate the children they have when I can't have my baby Jesse? How am I supposed to go back to work and tell the kids it gets better?...when I feel like I'm lying! I just want to give up...I feel like I deserve more and I don't understand why I can't have it. I work hard, I try my hardest to help people and I'll go out of my way to support people. I'm a good person. I just don't get it! Why don't I get to be happy?

Sorry for the rant anyone that gets to the end!