I found out I was pregnant 2nd of Feb 2009. It came as a very bad shock, as we had decided we wanted no more after Mason, but obviously werent careful enough. We spent the next few weeks ina haze really, of tears and shouting and more tears. I felt as though I could never cope with another baby and that I would have to consider termination. I dont know how many times i made an appointment with the doctor then cancelled it. Then when I was around 6 weeks gone, I sat down and thought things through, worked out why exactly we couldnt have another baby and if it could be worked around.

In the end we solved every problem and decided on that basis we couldnt kill our baby. Almost immediately I began to get excited, imagining having a nice even number, a play mate for mason, and thinking of names and genders. I was that made up, it didnt even enter my head I could possibly miscarry. So when i started with some brown discharge a week before my eldests fourth birthday, I never really got worried. However within two days it had turned red, so I was sent for a scan. The scan showed the sac, measuring 5 weeks 3 days, when I should have been 7 weeks. There was the possibility of a fetal pole, so I was told to go home and wait things out. On my eldest daughters birthday, I passed the sac after lots of leg pain (bizarre i know) and bleeding, which then stopped almost straight away. I was totally and utterly heart broken and firmly convinced I had made the baby stop growing because i had spent its first few weeks not wanting it. I buried the baby in the garden and planted sunflower seeds, hence the term, sunflower baby and bought a small minature sunflower in a glass heart off ebay which I wear all the time. Three days later a scan confirmed what I already knew.

So thats how I came to be expecting a fourth, after losing my sunflower baby, I almost immediately decided I wanted to have another, and was lucky enough to fall pregnant before getting an AF back. I spent the first few weeks however, feeling terrible that I was replacing my sunflower, that it was wrong to want this baby so much when I hadnt wanted my sunflower baby for the first few weeks. I also felt as though people thought I had no right to be upset so I felt very isolated. My angel baby would have been due on the 19th of November, I dont care if I was only 7 weeks when I lost him or her, in my mind i will always be mum to 6 children (i had a miscarriage at the age of 16).

Recently I went to a spiritualist church and had a lovely medium, whom connected with my brothers spirit, he commited suicide 6 years ago come december, described everything to a t. She went on to say that she knew I tended to get cold down one side of my body when sat in the lounge, and that this was my two spirit children, giving me a hug. I read the cards so of course believe in spiritualism but i was amazed with what she had to say, it gave me a lot of comfort.

to all of us out there missing our angels, there is so many.

huge hugs honey xxx

thank you for sharing, your little sunflower baby sounds like she was very much loved and still is

feeling very strange today, its my due date for my baby that I lost in april. I think I had almost convinced myself noah is the same baby, but I am so sad to think I would more than likely have had the baby by now, I always go a few days earlier than due date, and would be preparing for his or her first christmas. Will never forget what should have been my fourth baby