jacky24

Hi there ladies my name is Jacky, i am 24 years old and i had a stilborn baby on 37weeks and 2 days. I had an abrupture in the hospital after 6 hours of labour. I came accross this letter that was posted on my babycentre page. And it is so true, i hope some of you can relate to it. It's sad but true cause i had all of the below said to me, to a stage where i wanted to scream.

May you all be blessed with a healthy baby

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A BEREAVED PARENT

“You can have more children”
Remember that all a bereaved parent really wishes, is to have their child back. Not a replacement child. When people suggest having more children., the importance of the child who died is diminished as if they can be replaced somehow. There may be reasons that the parents cannot have children, which would make a comment like this even more inappropriate.

“Thank God you have other children”
Somehow suggests that the surviving children in the family will make up for the dead child. It is true that when the energy for life is restored, there are activities and experiences the surviving children provide for bereaved parents. However, the loss of the individual who was your child is gone forever: even tiny babies have personalities.

“God wanted her”
Whether the parents have a religious affiliation or not, some parents do not believe that their child was “chosen” to die. For some bereaved parents, issues around faith are challenged most at the loss of a child. For some parents, it can be their greatest source of strength.

“He’s in a better place”
Comments like this imply that parents maintain a belief system, which teaches that there is a “better” place. Not all bereaved parents have a belief system, let alone believe in a better place. For some, they simply feel their child is gone. One parent said, “the best place for our child was in his home.”

“Your child would not want to see you so sad”
As with many types of grief, this comment can create guilt feelings for the bereaved parent. It suggests that although they loved their child, they “owe it to their child” to be happy and there is a limit to the amount of sadness they can experience.

“Don’t grieve around the surviving children; it will upset them”
Yes, a grieving parent can be very frightening for surviving children in a family. But when parents “hide” their grief or feelings, they create mystery around a very normal human process. The only way children learn healthy grief responses is through their parents. It is acceptable for parents to explain to their children when they are sad or that they need time to be alone to work through their grief. It is especially important for parents to talk about the child who has died.

“I know how you feel….my father (mother, aunt) just passed away”
When a child dies, a parent is left to mourn a life that was not lived. They are grieving what could have been, first steps, graduation, wedding etc. The loss of a parent cannot be compared to the loss of a child even though the separation from both is very painful.

“Are you feeling better?”
Whether the loss occurred 4 months or 4 years ago, there may never be a time when a bereaved parent feels “better”. They may just feel different. This does not mean they cannot enjoy life again, but they will never lose that part of them which belonged to their child. The scar is always present.


May you find comfort in your DH and your family and friends that care about you.

honeybunch2k7

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Oh and add, "Well, if you hadn't opened your legs in the first place this wouldn't have happened."

Suz

Wow, I cant beleive anyone would even say that.

jacky24

I eventually e-mailed this thru to my whole family, cause if one more person told me he was in a beter place i was going to beter place them somewhere in the head.Or they were going to wish they had been in a beter place.

Honeybunch2k7 that is horrible, i hope you told who ever told you that to go to the nearest hell and stay there.

suzan

Am sorry ladies..
I have been said things like:

"Oh, enjoy your free time, you will pray to have it again after having a baby"
"Relax, stress is making u miscarry"

STRESS? are u kidding me?

Tilly

Sorry to hear about your loss.

honeybunch2k7

Oh wait, I have more.

"A baby would have ruined your life."

"It was a sign from God (that you need to focus on school, not a good time for baby,etc)."

And a variation of the first one on the list-
"You're young you have plenty of time (to have more children)."

Whatever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say, STFU???

Dee_H

The doc in the ER at the hospital patted my knee and said ,it's ok you're young and healthy...you can try again.

Rumpskin

ElliesMum

Firstly, so very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my daughter to stillbirth too.

It is so true that people just really dont know what to say to you and therefore almost always say the wrong things. I had every one of those things said to me on your list.

I realise its hard for people to know what to say (looking back now) but i wished people had just said absolutely nothing.