Hi Everyone,

I have been reading some stories for a while now, I wish I had joined before now, but sad to say im joining after a loss. I am not sure if my story is unusual or if anyone else has gone through similar problems. I will try and keep it short as I explain, sorry if any of it is TMI.

I am mum to Erin (3), who I must say, is my only reason for getting up at the moment. And also to my Gillian Claire, who was born an angel on the 1st May, after a month of heartache, and confusion, and difficuilt discussions.

I have actually just typed for about 30 mins then realised that it was to long and well TMI, so to summarise, Gillian had a Very rare cromozone problem, where one of them split and attached to another, meaning her heart, brain and other parts were not formed corrently.

This came about after about 5 weeks of problems being looked at, being told there was hope, then there was not. In a way although we had to make a decision, they decision was really not ours to make in the long run. I could have carried her until her heart stopped naturaly, which could have been any time before birth or after (most likely before). Some people may not have agreed with out decision, to let her have her wings and would have let the pregnancy continue, but I could not do that.

There are many reasons, for our decision, and I always said I would NEVER terminate a pregnancy, certanly not as a means of contraception, but this was the only decision we personally could come to.

On Thursday 30th April at 9am, I went into hosp to be induced, I was just about 17.5 weeks. The pain was immense, but I was given as much pain releaf as I could take. This thankfully made my sleepy, after managing to get an hours sleep I woke at 4.40 am on Friday 1st May, and knew something was happening, as I put my hand down I could feel her head, but no pain, and as I gently pushed my angel was born, so tiny but looked so perfect and in the end so piecefull.

That was until all hell broke loose (TMI) and I did not deliver the placenta, I wont go into detail, but after loosing alot of blod and surgey I was back in the room where I started.

Hubby went home and I got some sleep. After a few hours, I finaly pluked up the courage to ask to see my baby, she was sooo small, but so perfect looking (even though I knew all her problems were inside).

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done, and hope it will be the hardest thing I ever have to do. For anyone going through this I have to say, seeing her, holding her kissing her was the most serile experience, and I am glad I did, it was just me and her, Hubby did not want to see her, which was fine his way of dealing, but for me it helped.

We could not decide on a name before I delivered, but sitting holding her I knew what she should be called. The two midwifes who had been caring for me, and I have to say are the most amazing people I have met, so caring, kind, nothing was a problem, talked me through everything, and they were both called Gillian. That was the perfect name, and is how she got it, I decided on Claire as a middle name, after my best friend, who has been my strength through it all ( along with hubby).

I got to see her as many times as I wanted while I was in hospital and keep the blanket she was wrapped in, got prints of her hands and feet and photos to treasure. Leaving that hospital on the Saturday was hard, I knew it would be the last I seen her, but had to be done. She got measured and with her length she was about 18/19 weeks when I delivered.

Due to her condition we agreed to allow a post mortem to determine all the issues, which may seem harsh, we wont get the results for about 6 weeks, but this should tell us all the problems, and hopefuly give us some closeure, not only that, but as her problem was so rare, I have to think of any other mum who is in the same situation as us and if what we have had to go through can help someone cope and understand the condition, then I would like to help.

Monday 11th May, we said our final goodbyes at the crematoriam. Her tiny coffin seemed so small but at the same time so big for her. Just hubby and I went, I laid a white rose on top and we said goodbye to our angel.

I was worried how to tell our 3 year old, and explained that baby sister was not coming any more (cant actually remember her I told her exactly as I was crying at the same time), and that baby sister was now a star in the sky and would be watching over us. After pondering this and thinking for a while, she asked if she had a toy box in the sky, on saying Yes, she seemed to accept this now talked openly about baby sister gillian in the sky and how she is playing with toys, she seen a rainbow in the sky the other day and said, Mummy baby sister has been drawing in the sky........ Broke my heart, but so glad she has accpted things and is not distressed by it all.

Each day I try to keep busy but think of her every second.

Ok so just realised that this is still very long, but not typing it again.

I am not sure why I feel the need to share this, but can understand what others are going though and hope that this gives me somewhere to chat and talk without friends and family feeling like they need to look after me or say something, when I dont want them to SAY anything....

does that make sence, I hope it does......

Hi sweetheart....Im so sorry you have to go through this and im so sorry for your loss. I can understand the feelings you must have as ive had a loss at 36.4 weeks. My little boy was born sleeping on 13 march 09 due to placental abruption. As as a mummy to a three and nine year olds i can say that it is,like you,the only thing that has kept me getting up in the mornings. It is one of the hardest things a mother ever has to go through. And for me you are such a strong and brave woman,to make the decisions you have and to come on here and share your story. You are an insperation to every mummy out there. Thinking of you sweetie,and am here most days if you want to talk.

I am so sorry for your loss Hun.

You have such a sad story, I'm so sorry for everything that you have been through.
Best wishes and lots of hugs,

cat
xxx

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

so sorry for your loss sweetie! thank you for sharing your story it had me welling up with tears. you know in your heart you did the right thing letting gillian grow her wings early to save her from any more pain or suffering if you had carried on. it must of been such a hard desicion for you to make.

what a lovely thought to name her after the midwifes i am sure they are honoured by that.

a warm welcome to bnb hunni. keep posting as the ladies here are all so lovely and theres always somebody there to talk to.

floaty kisses up to your angel gillian am sure she and my jessica are playing together in the clouds. x

I'm so sorry sweet x

Your story is truly touching. Thank you for sharing it. I am so sorry to hear what happened. I'm going through almost the same thing. Although baby is still alive with me right now, with a severe "lethal abnormality". The story sounds so similar to yours.

Stay close to your child and hear what she has to say. Children are incredible healers and can help us to see things in a way that we may have not thought of before.

Again I'm so sorry.

Very touching, sorry 2 hear x

So sorry xxx