mummytobe

I know this may sound mean but its just the way im feeling and need to get it out somewhere.

Before Alyssa was born i told family they can come visit her in whilst we still in hosp but after that me and OH wanted a week to settle in with her, and get to know her. Well this didnt happen and OHs rents kept popping over, with infacol (she wasnt colic) and food. I understand they want to see their 1st grandaughter, but we wanted to have our bond with her 1st if that makes sense, basically we havent had any space from them (which i do understand cause im sure ill wanna see my 1st grandaughter alot) anyways we said we'll spend an eve at theirs so they can spend time with LO which was only 5 days away from when they last saw her, but everyday is a text asking to pop round, come for dinner etc. I know they are being nice i really do, but is it bad that we want time with LO ourselves first. It got to the point where i was in tears all last night and this morn (silly i know) I dnt know whether its hormones still ? or whether ive turnt into a right meany. Also they have a habit of waking her up, which means she doesnt settle for the rest of the day thats annoying, oh and the comment 'we dnt care bout you anymore its just the baby' that itself was hurtful. Anyways had to vent somewhere. Sorry

sb22

I could have wrote that.

In the whole 12 weeks alex was born they kept coming to the hospital - therefore i hd to make sure i was at the hospital for them, which I had to arrange around them.

I was hurt that they kept coming when they thought they could get to see Alex first bath, etc - this is something i felt should have been shared between me and OH yet they wouldnt leave us be . They meant well, yes.

Then when we got home I too wanted a week to myself. That never happened. After a few days within their last visit they were on the phone again, wanting to see her. This went on for week and I too was in tears.

The whole situation has got out of hand and we arent talking now. It was too much for me - with health visitor, doctor and hosptal appointments, along with trying o keep my own family involved (they barely got to see her because the in laws were always around) .

The in laws took a step too far after setting up practically a nursery in their own home(My LO is never there!)and reading up on baby magazines, and sending out xmas cards with alex on it(wtf - thats my job!) we had to have it out with them.

They didnt take it well and threw the rattle out the pram when we said he were spending xmas at home ourselves.

You mus put your foot down too or they will think they can come whenever they like. everything has to be on your terms - after all, your LO is YOURS not theirs, and I'm sure they had their own fun when they had your OH - so dont let them spoil these precious 1st weeks

mummytobe

Oh im so glad im not the only one.. Yes i understand they mean well, but it would be nice to have our own lil family with them being grandparents, not parents. They even transfered money into my bfs account £200.00 so was quite alot for no reason and i swear that was a bribe to see Alyssa. They shouldnt be bribing us and in normal circumstances we would happily go round once a week and have Alyssa spend quality time with them rather than them keep popping over for like an hr and me not wanting to see them!! Everything is also being arranged thru them, like people seeing Alyssa, she tells me what days her and her friends/family are coming round rather than asking what day is free!! grrr

I know we have to say something but how do we do it ?

I hope you sort things out with the family soon, hopefully they will realise that shes your child and they shouldnt be so childish. Do you mind me asking how you told the inlaws? xx

Kimboowee

OHs mum lived in France whilst I was pregnant but she came back for 3 weeks on my due date - and I HAD to see her every single day!

At the hospital there was 2 visiting time slots afternoon and evening. She would come up in the evening and my mum during the day, but then she started turning up in the afternoon and when the midwife came to my bed and sai that my mum was there but she couldnt come to the ward as I had too many people there she didnt offer to leave! I had to take myself and my baby to the canteen to see my mum, and plus she came back 2 hours later for the evening visiting slot!

I wish I had said something then. I know 3 weeks isn't a long time to some people but they were the first weeks we won't get back. Next time if shes like that I'll deffo be saying something xx

sb22

It got worse when they began buying nappies and things. As though the thought we couldnt afford it or something.

I began getting really narky with OH that they wouldnt leave me alone and OH explained we wanted some time alone with our new daughter.

They werent impressed to say they least but they were ruining this special time we have with our daughter and making me feel miserable.

Your mother in law was once a new mum too and i would hope she understand, but mine didnt. She cried, she even blackmailed us by saying "But you live in that flat rent free" (its OHs flat, they bought him it!)

OH was sad she fell out with us but I told him sometimes you have to break bridges to build them again - this time the way WE want it, on our TERMS.

Your prioritys change when you have a baby and you need that family time - you wont get these early days back!

mummytobe

You say 3 weeks isnt a long time but it is an important time !! I think the 1st few weeks is when your getting to know your baby, getting to know each cry and what they mean, what they like and dont like. And with people there CONSTANTLY it really doesnt help.

I would of been well peeved if i had to take my LO to the canteen to see my rents!! Its hard to say things tho. We know they mean well but this is our special time with our LO. Its nice they try but theres only so much we can take

Thanks for sharing your experience girls, its nice to know im not the only that feels like this xx

Minstermind

Agreed. There's no way to tell them without just *telling them*, if you get my meaning. You can't really beat around the bush with it, but you can say it in the most gentle way possible. I can't think of the perfect way offhand but something to the effect of, ''We really appreciate your excitement and involvement with the baby but we're feeling a bit tired and want to spend some time alone with our new baby for a bit. We just need some down time and we are going to start dedicating a day each week to come around to yours for a visit (or them to you) and spend the rest of the week at home. I'm sure you can understand and once things have settled a bit more we'll be ready to be out and about a bit more''. I dunno, something to that effect anyway.

mummytobe

I cant believe they didnt understand that you wanted some time with your daughter !! and even blackmailed you ?! What were they trying to do ? scare you into thinking if they cant come round all the time you will have no where to live ?! In laws eh?! Well i hope they realise in time that this as you said your special family time.

My OH is going to have a word with them today! They prob want us to give all the money we owe them back (i say owe, they transfered with their own will without us wanting or needing it) I hope it goes well for all of our sakes

xx

mummytobe

That sounds like a perfect way of putting it without being rude

thanks x

cinnamini

Hi there

Been reading your posts and am finding myself nodding along. My mil would be the same given half a chance!! On the one hand she can be really smothering and then on the other she's as cold as ice!! It's very confusing to my DS ... he much prefers spending time with my parents as they always make a big fuss of him so it's always consistant.

Agree you need to nip it in the bud ... the situation will only get worse, you will make yourself ill and there will be a huge row. Best to be upfront now, if their feelings are hurt there's not a lot you can do about that except to explain it's nothing personal and you'd love them to spend time with their new gd but you need to get to know her first.

Good luck .. hope it goes well