Dawns1stlight

Hi everyone, I just wanted to vent about a situation im in with my mother, if anyone has any advice, please feel free...

My dear dad died two years ago, while I was pregnant with my son . It was very sudden, and because he lived alone no-one had any idea how sick he'd been; he had kept it to himself as not to worry us. He had lived in an old house that was falling down around his ears and all this broken furniture, and a very modest budget. Well a few days after he died it became apparent that he had quite a bit of money in accounts and shares, all saved up for me and my brother.

We really didnt care about the money, it wasnt important, we just wanted our dad back... but to others this didnt seem to be the case... a few days after the funeral my mother and her partner (she and my father are divorced) approached us and asked if they could borrow $33,000 (so 17 grand each) so they could pay off some debts and a fine he had for crashing into someones car. We reluctantly agreed; (I was heavily pregnant and living with them at the time, and I was given the impression that I would have no place in their home or in their family if I did not.) under the agreement it would be paid back when they sold their house.

My son was born soon after and while we were still in hospital they began to nag me for the money.. I was the executor of the estate so it was up to me to handle everything, being the elder child. I had a newborn to care for, but this had to take a back-seat to their needs.I gave them their precious cheque when my son was 8 days old.

A few weeks later, my baby was having an un-settled night, as small babies do. My mother stormed into our room, yelling at him to SHUT UP. She picked him up very roughly and continued yelling. I told her not to treat him that way, he was just a baby. She looked at me evilly and said "Fine! You deal with him!" and threw him on the bed. It was a distance of about 15 cms, he was completely un-harmed (I had him checked by the doctor) but still...

I was in shock...I couldnt believe she would do that to an innocent child.. let alone her own grand-child. We soon moved into our own home with my partner, and after many months of no communication,we managed a rather strained relationship..

Fast forward a year and a half to the other day, I was talking to my mother and brother and he was talking about how she and her partner owed him $12,000 for a deposit on a car.(this is ON TOP of the half he lent to them) Mum told him that it had been a gift, which he didnt seem to think was true. I off-handedly mentioned the money they owe us, and you should have seen her face, she was so angry... she looked right at me and told me that when they sell their house, if they pay us back they will have no money for themselves, and she thought it had been a gift. Yet, they have the money to buy her partner a motor-bike. I have told her many times I needed it to help pay for my sons education, should he need it in the future.

Then she started going on that "I raised you both, it was so hard, when will it be about me? When do I get rewarded?" My bro tried to explain to her that being a parent isnt about rewards for yourself, its not about you anymore, its about your child. (Isnt seeing your beautiful baby grow into a wonderful person enough?) She just sat there angrily and said nothing.

So it looks like my little man will not be getting the most most top-notch education I could otherwise provide, all because of this. Am i being selfish? I just dont understand.. we are family. Family dont do these things! Everyone I speak to says I should sue them.. not sure I want to go that far! Does anyone have any advice?

P.S Sorry for the very long post!

Mynxie

no sweetheart, you're not being selfish. I know that she's your mum, but she's taking advantage of you and your brother. It's just not right.

GemGems

You're not being selfish at all. You've done more than enough for her. If she said she'd pay it back then thats what she should do. I dont know how it works over in the states but here, if you can prove that they spent the money and what they spent it on, then you can claim it back. It is suing in a sense but i'm sure you and your child deserve the momey much more than she does right now. I know she's your mother but her attitude is appauling if you ask me.

Good luck and i hope you get things sorted. xxxx

orange-sox

No you are not being selfish and don't let that evil woman make you think so!

I don't like to speak badly of other peoples familys, but I have to say, regardless of the fact that she is your mother, she is being wholely unreasonable, I mean $45,000 as gifts? She took advantage of you, you were heavily pregnant and relying on her to provide a home for you and your son when he arrived, she knew that you would have to say yes if she made it abundantly clear that you would be no longer welcome in her family if you didn't lend her the money, it would've been bad enough if you hadn't been pregnant - your father had just died for goodness sake. For someone to do that to their own flesh and blood, it says a lot about the person they are, or at least have become.

Your mother and mine are very alike and I have learnt the hard way that no matter what you do for them, it will never be enough to make up for what they supposedly did for us by bringing us into this world.

I know it will take have taken you a lot of strength and courage to even think about sueing your mother, but really hon it's for the best. Try to remember that YOU and YOUR SON are the victims in all of this, and that you are only asking for what is rightfully yours. If you father had intended for any of that money to go to your mother, than it would have, the fact that none of it was supposed to speaks volumes.

Without knowing all the details, I would probably say that your mother is very bitter and had no idea that your father had been saving to provide for you and your brother (obviously something that had never crossed her mind)

Don't even dare say sorry btw, that's what we're all here for. Familys are tough at the best of times, but in situations like this it is easy to feel like you are doing something wrong - totally not the case here!

Just remember you are a strong, intelligent woman and the decisions you make for you and your sons future are the only decisions you need to make.

Stay strong hon

CHILLbilly

I repeat everything Orange-sox said........
PLUS...you have your brother to give you support as well.

NOW about the tossing the baby onto bed......seriously..that is terrible!!!!!

I hope it all works out for you and your brother. You sound like a very loving person and parent to think of your sons education and future.

greenkat

You're not being at all selfish!

I'd be really angry if my mother had treated me and my baby like that - you're being put in a really sticky situation. I'm not sure what I'd do if I were you but I wouldn't lend her money ever again, whatever the circumstances.

Happy

I read this in disbelief, I cant believe your own mother would do this to her children. If I were you I would sue, do you have your brothers support if you do this? You need to put yourself and your son first, I'm not sure why she would think the money was a gift as that is a huge sum of money.

I hope it all works out for you. xx

Vickie

Wow! It's not you who is the selfish one....it's your mother. She had no right to ask you for the money in the first place, your dad set that money aside for you and your brother, not for her own selfish needs.

alyxzandra

Is your mother related to mine or are we long lost siblings because your mother sounds like a mirror image to mine!

My mother and her husband (the druggie and work shy, idiot) juiced a quarter of a million dollars from my grandmother using similar strong arm tactics. She also juiced me while I was a student and even went so far as soon as she knew I got my student loan money, would ask for it. She used emotional abuse to get her way. If I did not give it, she would not speak to me and make sure I knew I was not a part of the family. However, in retrospect, I was never treated like I was a part of it anyway.

They still owe me money that was earmarked to pay back my student loans, but I have written it off as I live in another country and it would be more trouble than what it was worth. Otherwise, I would sue them. I have no contact with my mother and do not wish to. Good riddance.

First, your mother is putting the needs of herself and her partner before you, the baby and your brother. She is trying to worm out of it by claiming it was a gift. In my mind this is the tactic she is thinking of using in case you take it to court and also to convince the two of you that you should be paying her back for raising you. It is obvious she is showing cunning and selfishness. You do not owe her a thing for being brought into the world. She is the one who made a decision to raise you and she could have put you up for adoption if she was not happy with it. There are plenty of loving people who would give their left arm to have children.

Secondly, how dare she do that to a newborn baby? She could have social services on her tail for that one. Your baby is innocent and she had no business treating him like that and to be honest, I most likely would have left the house as soon as possible with my child in tow. And then slapped her silly for doing that. I always said if someone hurt my child, no matter who, I would go mad.

Thirdly, she does not give a d*mn about you or your son's future. That much is obvious. If she did, she would not take money earmarked for your child and also for you to live on. It seems the only important ones are herself and her partner. It is pure and simple greed.

I believe some parents (and other family members) misuse their position in order to get what they want. And it makes you wonder what motivated these people in the first place to have children. The question is this: would you tolerate this from anyone else? If not, what gives a parent a special excuse to do this? (hope this makes sense!).

So, are you being selfish? Hell, no!!!! You were taken advantage of while in a vulnerable position and she is now trying to worm out of it. Should you sue her? Well, if it was me, yes.

My main concern would be to my child and if someone is willing to take bread out of his mouth or mess up his chances for a decent education, you can bet I will be at the courthouse ASAP filing paperwork after I send a warning letter of my intentions. I do not want to have to explain to my child why I cannot afford food or to send him to university because I let someone run over me, no matter who it is. And it would be worse for him to know it was his own grandmother. Being a part of a family should NEVER be contingent on how much money you give. Being part of a family is contingent on love and respect.

tb42

she's your mom, so something she says always make you think ( or stress out ), but i'm sorry to say that the selfish person is your mom not you.
That money was left for you and your child , so it should be. She said she raised you up both and that's the reward. she knows if she said that if would make you feel guilty not to give them the money.
it's a very hard situation to handle. I really wish your baby will have this money, that will make a lot difference in his life in the future. She shouldn't ruin that. Don't let her make you feel like this because it's not worth it. ( i know it's really hard for you, i can't imagine this happens to myself )
And she's not gonna change to be a better mom or grandma for your baby.
Hope you find the best solution