Sparky0207

Sorry to have a rant again (this is becoming a common thing from me!) but im really fed up with my OH. The thing is, im not sure if im expecting too much or if hes being selfish so I could do with some advice!

Basically, we have been having some serious money probs lately and although ive managed to sort it out for the short term, as soon as I start maternity leave we'll be back to square one.
Because I was made redundant at the beginning of my pregnancy, I'm only entitled to MA rather than SMP so I'll only be getting £117 per week. This is £150 a week less than I'm on now. OH also lost his job and so is just temping at the mo - he is on good money most of the time but its still nowhere near enough to support us. Our basic outgoings (without including car costs and us having a life) are £1500 and OH cant possibly support us on his wage alone so he is expecting me to go back to work just 6 weeks after I've had our LO!!!

My mum has a massive house and has offered us to stay with her just for 3 - 6 months. We would have our own lounge, bedroom and en-suite bathroom so wouldnt intrude at all on her and would have our own space. She will be looking after LO 2 days a week when I go back to work (whether its in 1 month or 1 year) so I think it would work out well. Me and OH could pay off the majority of our debts and be able to save hard for 6 months so we are ok for when we moved back in and I would be able to take a bit longer on maternity.

The problem is, he doesnt want to! He is saying that we will cope just fine but I dont see how. We have cut down on everything and with a baby on the way we will struggle even more. Bearing in mind I am planning to breastfeed, after 6 weeks I will still be feeding her so will be getting broken sleep anyway. I have to take him to work and pick him up every day and I cant see how I will cope. How does he expect me to be up feeding the baby all night, getting her ready to take to my mums, dropping her off, dropping him off at work and getting myself into work all before 8.30 in the morning day after day - I just cant do it!

Am I being unreasonable asking him to move in with my mum or is he being selfish expecting me to cope?

armychicmkm

OK while living with your mom does sound like a great solution, I can understand OH not wanting to. First, I'm not sure men can fully understand how draining a new baby is. He may know that babies are up every few hours feeding and whatever else, but knowing something and knowing something are two different things. KWIM? Second, after living on your own for a little while and doing it on your own, it gets hard to ask for help. It can be even harder to have that help come from your parents. My mentality when getting help from my family has always been "No. I am an adult. This is my child/problem/etc. I will find a way to do it and do it on my own. It is not their responsibility anymore."

Have you asked why he doesn't want to move in with your mom (and gotten a real answer)?

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least but I don't think he's really being selfish either- maybe more just pride and not really understanding what's to come and how hard it will be. At least that's the way I'm reading it.

Spartacus

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all hun. Does he understand that you are really getting stressed out worrying? Or are you just having conversations in passing? Where he is just brushing things off? I can understand that living with your mum would be ideal as like you said you would have a live in babysitter to enable you to go back to work easily but at the same time I am not sure if I could do that with my oh parents and vice versa as much as we love them. Your oh might just feel that if you do move in with your mum he isn't providing for his family?

What might be good if you haven't done it already is to sit down together and put a spreadsheet together of all your outgoings and then your salary income for the month and then it is black and white in front of you. Sometimes once you do this it can make you realise you can cope or that something needs to give.

apologies hun if I have just waffled on....! xx

Sparky0207

Thank you both of you - and Spartacus you didnt waffle!!

The reason we are in so much debt is because of him and his ridiculous spending and yet its me thats having to take the brunt of it.

We have sat down and had a big talk about it - hes saying that I'll just have to cope and if we struggle then I'll have to go back to work full time - hes having a laugh!! He is expecting me to have 2 months off in total, thats before and after baby is born then go back to work. My job is stressful at the best of times and I really wanted to take about 3 months off, its not like I want to be off forever but he cant see where im coming from. He does F all around the house and is not supporting me whatsoever at the mo. He was great at first but now hes changed his tune totally - he asked me to iron his shirt for work this morning and I said no because I had too much to do and he called me lazy! The whole reason he didnt have one is because he didnt bother to do any washing or ironing over the weekend!

The biggest prob is because he doesnt drive and so im expected to ferry him everywhere and thats what puts the biggest strain on me. He cant honestly expect me to be up with the baby all night then take him to work, the baby to mums then get myself to work 5 days a week can he?

It is hard because we have been independent for so long and I wouldnt like to move back in with his parents but we will end up getting the house repossessed if it carries on.

I know LO is my responsibility and I wouldnt take a penny from my mum, but she is quite wealthy and has offered us part of her house for a few months to try and help. Also, something I forgot to mention in the first post is mum is due to go for an op on her brain soon (not as bad as it sounds!) so I agreed a few months back that when the time came I would help get my 5 year old sister ready for school and take her etc as mum will not have use of her hands for a month or so. OH agreed at the time we would stay with her just for that month (before we started talking about staying there longer) and now hes saying we cant!. dont know what to do, its making me mad!!

Spartacus

hmmmm that sounds very different now....I think your oh sounds like he is being unreasonable at the moment. I am assuming this is your first baby and I guess he has no clue whatsoever about feeding on demand and breast feeding and how you will be up pretty much every 2-3 hours every night - also if you do go back to work how are you going to breastfeed? Are you going to express the night before and leave the rest for your mum? Also you are going to have to express at work also - does he understand all of this?

I think i would have killed if he called me lazy when asked to iron his shirt!! I think you should also have the conversation about you not being able to take him to work I mean you aren't going to be able to do it for the first 2 months anyway so he better get used to other form of transport.

Is your mum going into hospital before the baby is born? I think the more you have justified it I think the more you have a case to say "lets move back into mums save some pennies get your debts paid off and then we will be in a brilliant situation in 6 months time" that way you can take off 6 months he can work his butt off and pay his debts off too and then you can both get the place you want afterwards when you are both earning full time money again. I think you really should put your foot down hun and have this conversation sooner rather than later.

Also do u have a mortgage or rent at the moment? i guess with the housing market being as it is now if you did rent by moving back in with your mum you could save and hopefully get something more reasonable with prices beginning to drop.

I am sure it is easy for me to say all of the above but am sure it isn't as easy as it sounds.

please feel free to rant away it has woken me up now

Sparky0207

Thank you hun.

Yes its our first baby and he seems to be under the impression she will sleep all night from day 1 and will only need feeding 3 times a day!!!! We have a pack of 12 nappies that he thought would last her a week!!! If only! I was hoping that if I could have 3 months off I would feed her myself to start with and then give her a bit of both when I go back to work - I dont really want to express so early as I wouldnt want to confuse the poor little mite and I know some babies dont like going back to breast when they are bottle fed.

He works in the middle of nowhere with no public transport. Its really out the way and thats why I have to take him. He could get another job but then the money wouldnt be anywhere near as good and we struggle as it is!

Mum is going into hosp at the end of June and baby is due end of August and we agreed in Jan that we would help her out. The thing is, I worked really hard in the early days to get our house (we bought it, my auntie left me a lot of money when she passed away a few years ago) and so if we did lose the house it would break my heart. But whereas I appreciate how lucky we are, he seems to think it comes easy! If we rented it would easily cover our mortgage and mum only wants a hundred pound a month off each of us so we could clear so many debts and be in a brilliant situation by Christmas but he doesnt understand.

Half the problem is, because I'd need to drop him off first in the morning for work, Id have to go from our house, right to the other side of town to drop him off, to go all the way back to drop the baby off back on our side of town just to go all the way out again to get myself into work - I'll be covering 60 miles just to get everyone where they need to be in the morning and then the same again in the evening! I need help!!!!!

Vickie

Part of his resistance may be coming from the fact that he doesn't feel like he can support his family and moving in with your mother would show everyone that he's unable to provide.............which would depress most men that I know. Still it does sound like the best solution for you right now so I hope you and he can come to an agreement

Sparky0207

Thank you Vickie. I can understand where he is coming from and I wouldnt want to move in with her unless it was absolutely necessary but I really think it is!
He can only see the short term... giving up our independence and him not seeming like he can provide for us. Hes not looking at the long term

Spartacus

I think he needs a bit of a reality check! I completely agree with you about the breast feeding and that you don't want to confuse your little one. But you need to do what is best for you. Maybe he should start taking driving lessons? I know that probably won't help the money situation but hun you really aren't going to be able to run around once baby comes you will run yourself into the ground!!

to be honest I was in a lot of debt and I always just got on with it and had to put things like babies on the back burner as I had the responsibility myself to pay off my debts so I think he needs to be reasonable a bit here and move in with your mum and save up and pay his debts off rent your house out for 6 months and then you will both be able to sit back and enjoy rather than struggling.

I really hope you get it sorted with him hun let me know how you get on!

I hope your mums op goes well too xx

Sparky0207

He can drive - he was an absolute muppett and got himself banned! He had 6 points for speeding then lost control of his car on a roundabout last year in the rain and got another 6 points for careless driving as he happened to be spotted by a police car! So hes banned until next Feb - thats half our prob! Before that he had a company car from work and so we didnt have that added expense.

Before he got banned we were trying for our LO as we were fine financially, (not rich, just coping much better than now) then I went back on the pill as I got made redundant and had to take a big pay cut and he got banned and typically that was the month I fell pregnant!!! Not that I regret that for a second, she just decided to come along at a bad time!

Thank you for all your help and advice hun
xxxx